Gabrielle's Journal Series: Fear
by Murphy
Disclaimer:
Do
not own them. It is Alt. Part 7 in the journal series. Fluff alert. Thank you to
my beta team, Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Ex-Guards! Thank you all
for your talent and support. Deb! Love Ya! Poem’s author is unknown. With the
guidance of LJ, this will be called the, Gabrielle's Journal Series! Thanks LJ!
This is for us all to wake up and tell people now, while they are here, that we
love them. It is too late when they are gone. We need to learn to be thankful
for what we have.
Journal
Entry:
Don't
Worry, For I Have Not Left You, My Love
When
the wind blows, can you hear me whisper "I Love You"
I
blow gently across your face just to feel your warm embrace
After
I have felt your soul and the wind is gone,
don't
be afraid, for I have not left you
Look
into the sky for you shall see a star shining bright
full
of love created by me just for you
You'll
know its me because it will be the brightest star,
reach
out for me, "Please Reach Out"
let
me put that sparkle back in your eyes
I
want to be where you are, I want to be a part of your world
but
I cannot interfere with the Gods intuition
When
the rain starts to pour don't run inside for shelter,
for
its me crying endless tears of sadness because
I'm
not there in your arms for you to cradle me just once more
Reach
out, catch my tears, wipe them away
After
all these tears start to fade, don't worry for I have not left you,
I'm
still shining bright for you
When
you have nowhere to run, when your world is dark,
Look
in the sky, I'll be your light, your shining star, ever so bright
Only,
Just for you my Love
Hello.
Wish I could say that it has been a good day, but that is far from the truth.
Xena and I are at a village outside of Corinth and it comes to another
meaningless battle. Petty thugs decided to pillage for nothing more than power,
to make a name for themselves.
There
were so many, and I am so tired. I can’t rest. I nearly, once again, had my
world destroyed, taken away. Whoever shall read this when I am no longer of this
earth, the reason why my handwriting is so shaky, is the fact that I almost lost
my wife. It is only now just catching up with me. You will have to excuse the
smears on the page also; the tears will not stop yet.
I
needed to vent so badly. So here I am in the healer’s tent sitting by my
fallen wife, venting by candlelight. If I lost her, I would not know what to do.
To make matters worse, we got into a big fight. She was trying to make me stay
while she went into a battle alone, AGAIN! I hate when, even now, she treats me
like a child. I am her wife for Tartarus sake, time she treated me like that.
Needless to say, we haven’t talked much, other than to make plans for battle
and care for the wounded.
We
didn't even get a chance to do our making up before bedtime. The want-to-be
warlords struck and we were in full battle so fast that I didn’t have time to
think. Like always, Xena took on ten men at once with ease, while I had my usual
three. I just leveled my last attacker when my world went into slow motion. It
was the strangest thing; all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears and
my heavy breathing. I was running towards Xena to give her a hand and I didn’t
see the person in the tree until it was too late. He shot the arrow and hit Xena
with such force, she fell backwards.
Screaming,
the next thing I was aware of was screaming. I did not realize it was me who was
doing it. I got to her before one of those bastards tried to finish her. Then I
stood with her between my legs to protect her, and I fought with such anger, but
forgot the man in the tree. What got my attention towards him was the sound of
the Chakram whirling past me and taking care of him once and for all, even now
she takes care of me. I did not have time to look at her yet. I fought the rest
off and then tended to her. By that time she was unmoving, her eyes shut.
She
was bleeding so badly, I couldn’t stop it. She had blood coming out of her
mouth and nose. I know it must have hit her lung, but she wouldn’t wake up. I
had to keep my head; she needed me. A few men of the village helped me get her
to the healer. He looked at me and said with this kind of wound no one survives.
I informed him that Xena will and to get his ass busy or he would meet my staff
and precisely where he would meet it. The visual threat made him move quickly.
We
worked on her for a long time, seemed like forever to me. Her wounds are wrapped
up and now we had a new battle on our hands. If she got an infection or fever,
she would be lost; with that much blood loss, it will be a fight. She knows I
will win; I am the stubborn one of the family. I, with the help of the healer,
changed her dressing frequently and using a reed to get water into her a little
at a time. The
hard part came next, waiting and thinking. You know...would of, could of, should
of...guilt. I hate that feeling of helplessness. He said if she makes it through
the night, she would have a chance.
I
started to remember when I was wounded in Thessaly, I could not come out of the
darkness, and it was scary. When I heard Xena's voice and words of comfort, I
knew I wasn’t alone. She was so sad and I had to come back to her, then Ephiny
told me what happened. Xena was so frantic trying to get me back, crying,
pounding on my chest, and just asking me not to leave her. All I can remember is
I came out of the darkness to the Fields and saw my family, when I heard someone
calling me. I just had to go back, and I did.
I never regretted that for one minute, but I decided if this should
happen again, I would leave something for her. That is when that poem came. So
she would know, no matter what, that she will never be alone.
Now I sit here and talk her ears off like I usually do, so she knows she
is not alone. This time she cannot tune me out when I talk too much. I spoke of
all the times we had, some bad but mostly good.
The
time when we first said, "I love you."
Those three, simple little words that we were both too scared to say. Then I
remember the first time we made love. I was so scared, I had no idea what I was
doing, and she made my body reach past limits I never thought possible. Then my
turn came around, my fear left me, and the love I had took over. I took my time
that night and learned every pore on her body with my hands, lips, and tongue. I
could not get enough. Her taste, her smell, and those sounds she was making made
me wild.
I
was working my way up her body again. When I reached her neck I tasted, tears???
I looked up and she was weeping. It broke my heart. I thought I hurt her in some
way. My tears came and so did the apologies, only to be shushed by a finger to
my lips.
She explained to me that no one had ever made love to her. This was her
first time, also... and it just brought her to tears.
My
memories then went to all the times she made me laugh, that smile that just
melts my heart. How tender she is when I am ill or my soul is aching with
troubles. How when we met that first day, I felt like I was whole. It was meant
to be, we were meant to be. How can I take on the scary thoughts of life without
her? There would be no life for me. How can any heart survive with only half a
beat, how could lungs breathe with no air. I would be a shell of a person, my
life would be hollow and without meaning.
Praying
was next. Whoever would listen, I was asking. I cannot imagine waking up and not
being in her arms or seeing those beautiful blue eyes that make me feel loved.
Not hearing that irritating sound when she sharpens her sword or how she can
stand with Argo and talk to her as if she was human. Having a tall, dark, and
deadly warrior wake you by tickling you to the point where you are going to wet
yourself.
Sometimes
in the middle of the night, being awakened by kisses and nibbles all over your
body. When she is in the mood, Gods she can make me just tingle. Each time we
make love we are one, our bodies, minds, and souls in a perfect dance towards
ecstasy. Then, being held so tight and feeling like no one else exists other
then us. Our love will make it through anything thrown at us. Then I remember
when she asked me to join with her and our wedding. She made all my dreams come
true.
Plans
for our future, where we would settle when the time came, to which God owes us a
big favor so we can have children. Then fear and anger came in. I started to
yell about how unfair it is and how she made promises to me, warriors do not
break their promises. Then I broke down and started to sob holding her hand in
mine begging her not to leave me. A half a candle mark later I calmed down,
changed her dressing, and got more water into her. That is when the need to vent
came. If I had waited, I do not know if I can speak of the moment; if I lose
her, now is the best and only time. I will keep praying and hope no matter what.
She is strong and heals fast and I just need to keep my faith. I recall a saying
that, The Gods never shut a door without opening a window. Faith, That is all I
have right now.
Until
tomorrow,
Gabrielle
I
closed my journal and turned back to my wife to give her more water and I nearly
drop it on the floor. Her eyes are open.
"Xena?"
Tears
are forming and I kneel down, taking her hand in mine. She turns her head and
smiles, then mouths, love you. I bury
my head in her neck and cry. I bring my head up and she is asleep once more. I
gently curl next to her, and before I let Morpheus claim me, my last thought is,
Thank you.