Gabrielle's Journal Series:  In My Life

by Murphy

Disclaimer:  Do not own them. This is number fifteen of the Journal Series. More fluff! Hell, it is all fluff!  Deb.! Love Ya! Ex-Guards!! You are the best!! Poem is by Unknown Author. Second Poem is by Shelly (Kade). Thanks to my beta team: Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas.

I'VE LEARNED that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is be someone who can be loved... The rest is up to them.
I'VE LEARNED that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I'VE LEARNED that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I'VE LEARNED that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I'VE LEARNED that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I'VE LEARNED that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
I'VE LEARNED that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I'VE LEARNED that the word "love" can have many different meanings, to many different people.
I'VE LEARNED that maturity has more to do with what type of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I'VE LEARNED that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I'VE LEARNED that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I'VE LEARNED that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I'VE LEARNED that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.
I'VE LEARNED that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I'VE LEARNED that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I'VE LEARNED that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I'VE LEARNED that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I'VE LEARNED that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I'VE LEARNED that no matter what the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I'VE LEARNED that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you sometimes need them the most.
I'VE LEARNED that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I'VE LEARNED that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I'VE LEARNED that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I'VE LEARNED that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I'VE LEARNED that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I'VE LEARNED that dinars is a lousy way of keeping score.
I'VE LEARNED that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I'VE LEARNED that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I'VE LEARNED that it's not WHAT you have in your life but WHO you have in your life that counts.
I'VE LEARNED that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you had better know something.
I'VE LEARNED that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I'VE LEARNED that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I'VE LEARNED that learning to forgive takes practice.
I'VE LEARNED that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains...

Journal Entry:

Hello. Today was interesting. I almost died. Xena and I were in a middle of a fight and I was jumped. It’s strange, like everything moved slowly. The sword was moving towards my head, going to take it right off. My heart was pounding in my ears. Thank the Gods for that Chakram. Xena came to my rescue once again.

I was frozen on the ground with this man’s blood all over me.  Having your life flash in front of you wakes you up. So does a trembling wife checking you for injuries. Now if we both weren't scared out of our minds, I would have been aroused by her touches.  Then came the feeling of being crushed against a breastplate while a warrior cried. I think I will wear that swirl print on my face for a long time.

Good thing we rented a room for tonight. Nice warm room with a comfy bed. It didn’t take long for Xena to drop off, but she kept waking with nightmares. After the last bout I just stayed up and thought that writing would calm me.

Coming close to dying, well I died before. This time was different. I have Xena to think of now. I want to grow old with my warrior, family, the whole works. You start to think of things you should have done or said. I thought of how I wanted to make peace with my parents, or at least my mother.

I also thought of my friends, the things I wanted to say or do with them. Then you think of all the stuff you still want to do with your life. I still have plenty to see and do with Xena. Then my mind goes to Xena. She did make a promise to me that she would never turn back to the way she was. I never made her promise to live. I want her to live, she still has so much to do, so much good to give. I know no one nobler, more caring, just a true form of beauty.

Look how much I have changed in these few years, how lucky I am to have lived a lifetime in those few years. Don’t get me wrong; I am not in any hurry to pass. I feel like my eyes are now just seeing. The older I get and the more I see the world, I become harsher. There is no way I could stay innocent, seeing wars, and hatred, death. What I have learned is that I cannot save everyone, but I can try. I will not stop trying.

Let’s see...since I have been with Xena I have seen a lot of the world and will see more. Met some interesting people, some I liked, and some you could keep. I have been held at knifepoint more times then I can remember.  Ran into one too many Gods for my liking. Ares being the worst. He has a thing for my wife and it drives him crazy that we are married. I am the irritating blonde, you know. The day he showed up for our wedding and made a scene, I thought Xena was going to kill him.

He wanted her back. "What does she have that I don't? I can satisfy your needs!"

That is where she stepped up and said, and I nearly fainted when she said this, "I have more pleasure riding Gabrielle's tongue then anything you have."  

That was one steaming War God. Everyone was laughing. I thought Hercules was going to split his pants. Xena told me when it comes to Ares, "fat head, small penis."  That is why he is always moody.

Then my memories go to our first time together or, I should say, afterward. I did not feel like I could fulfill her needs. Ares doubt got through to me. She also cried our first time, stating that no one ever made love to her. This is where the romantic woman comes out in her. We were dining at the tavern where we were staying. She was taking me to a special place for our alone time together. Sort of a Honeymoon, we had to stop to get some rest before moving on. She sent me down first to get a table and order food, saying she would meet me here. So, I was sitting there sulking. When she did not come down or say that she wanted us to stay in our room, I knew I was bad in bed.

She came down and headed straight for me. She handed me a scroll, kissed me, and said she had to check Argo. OK, I thought for sure she was riding out of town and this was a good-bye note.  I slowly opened it and saw this. 

You look at me with longing,
As you press your body against me.
Your body is firm, yet your lips so soft,
And the tenderness of your touch surprises me,
Like the gentleness of your words.

Your eyes pierce into the depths of my soul,
Somehow seeing my vulnerability.
Your face is one that I have known in my dreams,
And have been waiting to find in my reality.

I feel sheltered in your harbor,
Like a ship just returning home
From a long and perilous journey,
After riding on a violent and stormy sea.

And I know
That I will always feel like a woman,
When you are holding me
Safely in your arms.

I was tearing and very horny, so I got me some warrior in the stables. I never doubted that again. I still have that poem. I look at it at times and it still makes me very warm to read it.

Then I start to feel how lucky I am. Glad I started to say thank you instead of taking things for granted. I still have those bad days, but they are only days and the good ones do follow. Thank you to the Gods above for letting me live. I still have a lot to do. Right now, I am going to go hold one of the reasons I love to live.

Until Tomorrow,  
Gabrielle

Read Journal Entry #16 "Darkness Into The Light"