Gabrielle's Journal Series: Loving My Warrior
by Murphy
Disclaimer:
Romantic
fluff! Alt! Was in the mood! Thank you to my betas Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, LJ
Maas! Deb! Love Ya! This is for the lover in us all. Well, I can hope! Another
Journal story! Gabrielle's thoughts! I do not own them!! Ex-Guards!! Even
through all the bitchy times! We still stand tall!! Thanks to all the Guards!
Poem’s author is unknown. Tried to find it, no luck. Credit to Gloria Estefan
also! Thanks to all who wrote me back on how they feel about the love of their
life. Hope I did OK!
Journal
entry:
Hello.
Today was a glorious day. Xena decided that today will be a free day, time to
relax, bond, and just play. It’s been a very rough journey for us lately.
Slavers, wars, Gods going wild...we had it all. It was nice to just kick back
and rest.
Xena
always picks the safest, most beautiful spots for us to camp. We went through
our usual routine, which meant we fed and brushed Argo, sharpened and polished
weapons, and mended clothes. I laid on the rocky edge of the water soaking up
the sun, while Xena fished.
After
dinner and a tickle fight we made love. That is why I am unable to sleep now. My
body and mind feel so alive. Never in my life did I ever picture myself in love.
I never knew what that really meant, until now.
As
young girls, they teach us that we are to be good, marry whom our fathers choose
and repeat the same cycle our mothers started; settle for what’s offered. That
felt like death to me. Still as little girls, we dream of who we would like to
fall in love with. Who will be the love of our life?
I
always wanted a strong, adventurous, brave warrior. I got Perdicus. He did
nothing for me. Don’t get me wrong, he was a good man, but I only loved him as
a brother, like Joxer. I never should have married him.
Our
wedding night was nice but nothing magical. Mother, when she spoke to Lila and I
about sex, told us it was the wife’s duty to please her husband. I never
really understood that. Where was the love? If it were a duty, why would they
call it making love? So, with Perdicus, I did not think of love. I thought of
duty, while dreaming of love.
I
never thought Xena could love me, so I settled. Now, Perdicus is dead and I
still have guilt. Sigh, I am not going to do this now; so back to why I was
writing. Love. Boy, I never knew how powerful that could be.
Xena
makes me feel loved. I know she loves me. Do you know how good that feels? I
just can’t get enough. I sleep, eat, and breathe, her love. I don’t think
she notices that I stare at her to memorize her face, or how I get tongue
twisted talking to her at times. At nighttime when I close my eyes, I can see
her smile. It is bright enough to light my life, even in my darkest time. To do
nothing more then kiss her sweet lips...to love her all the time. Hmmmmm, this
bard is starting to get a little warm again.
The
thought of her makes my heart beat fast. She smiles and I feel warm and safe,
just like I do in her arms. When she is away from me, I feel as if half my world
is torn and empty. She leaves me a shift she wore the day before, so I have her
smell. We even have a star in the sky. She said at nighttime to look toward it,
as she will always do. That star is for both of us, to know that we are thinking
of one another and loving each other. When my warrior said that, it brought a
tear to my eye. I do look towards that star when we part and I send my love,
just to feel hers in return. When she comes back to me, we hold one another
tightly.
Then,
we are making love. Gods that woman can make my body, mind, and soul sing. We
become one. I can feel my heart start the beat, while hers finishes it. I crave
to touch and taste every inch of her, to feel her skin close to mine. Just to
watch her as she reaches rapture, is the greatest thing, I feel. Then, for her
to hold me close and hear that heartbeat, knowing I am loved.
My
body aches for her touch. My skin comes alive in her hands. Every part of my
being is on fire, building toward release, only to be filled with tears of joy
when the goal is reached. To have the warmth of her beside me, holding me,
whispering words of love and forever...it tells me I am loved. Having that
knowledge makes me feel like we can change the world.
She
does not know that there are times when I sit and watch her sleep and thank the
Gods she is in my life. I feel lucky to have found this love, to have truly
found the other half of my soul. I wish every one could find that love. I never
knew it could be like this. She is my dream, she moves me to great words. I
wrote her a poem. This is how I feel about my warrior.
The
primitive light
flickering on your hair
making me think of the moonlight
on a dark ocean.
~*~
A body so lean
toughened by hard work
but there is more to you
than physical strength
the toughness goes all the way through you
it's a part of your emotional
and intellectual makeup.
~*~
A smile so bright
with teeth white as snow
and kisses with so much passion
and tenderness
each peck brings me to ecstasy
I feel like I'm climbing the walls.
~*~
A hardened heart
but underneath it all
a softened soul.
~*~
She makes me want her
She has power over me
She possesses me
She knows this
and that brings a savage
satisfaction over her.
~*~
I am like a hot flowing amber
in her arms
clinging to her until I surrender
to the intimate demands of her body
and my own.
~*~
I have lost myself in her
and she has claimed me completely
it is a paradox which we have
no time analyzing
it is the way things are
and we are content with it.
~*~
Such gentle hands
driving me out of my mind
the elemental power of her lovemaking
captures me
binding me to her in the most primitive way.
~*~
She whispers, "Tell me you love me."
"I
love you," I say...~
If
Xena knew I had the journal, she would be embarrassed. I have them separate from
my scrolls. These are my personal feelings and not the great adventures of a
certain warrior we know and love.
She
became my best friend, lover, and wife. I now feel complete with her in my life,
no longer lost. I simply feel love and loved, need and needed, want and
wanted...whole. In her arms, is the only place that I belong.
When
we argue, it can hurt. Making up is well worth the fight. Our love is more than
physical. We comfort each other when we are hurting. Take care of one another
when ill. Kick each other in the butt when we deserve it, and dream of our
future, praying that our love will be accepted one day and not scorned. Even in
public, she finds a way with a simple touch or look to express her love.
Our
future will one day be a home and family. My wish for her is children, and
knowing her, she will make it happen. Miss, I
have many skills. The biggest one is giving me a daily reason to love her
more, falling more deeply in love every day. I want to raise our children to be
strong and know that their mothers love them so. To watch Xena with our
children, she has so much love to give. No one has a soul such as hers. I love
her soul.
She
is like no other. I believe that we were born to this earth for each other
alone. If one weakens, the other is strong. There is no other force like this;
our love is powerful, it is the only emotion that can make me feel invincible
and weak, all at once. The need to grow old with her is strong. I am looking
forward to seeing her face wrinkle and that hair turn gray. Even then, she will
have such beauty, such grace. I will have her sit with me on our porch rocking
our grandchildren, remembering the days when.
My
wish is that when the time comes for our last breath in this world, it will be
together. Our love will continue for eternity. My belief is not to equate death
with stopping.
So, now I am going to curl up with my love again, with my last thought
being how lucky and thankful I am for this.
Until
tomorrow,
Gabrielle