Gabrielle's Journal Series: PMS (Persecute My Spouse)
by Murphy
Disclaimer:
Number
eighteen of the Journal Series. More fluff!! All Fluff! Thank you to my beta
team, Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Deb! Love Ya!! Ex-Guards!! You
rock! Poem by Inspired Lor :) Second Poems by Author Unknown. Every month! PMS
from hell! Thought I would try a funny one now! Too many sad ones in a row!
During this time of the month, give you wife candy, love, and run for the
hills!! At least hide until her head stops spinning!
Journal
Entry:
Hello.
I don't know how long this will be. Xena is still up. I just needed to vent
before I hurt something. It has been one Tartarus of a day. It was Xena's time
of the moon and every moon it is something different. How can I put this? Her
moods go crazy and the scary thing is, it is not the Furies.
It
happens once every moon
never seems to end too soon
rarely able to say the right thing
its safer to just stay out of her way
thieves and thugs we come across
seem to pay a higher price
Hey ! ...better them than me
her emotions simply run amuck
I'll just keep busy here with my scrolls
gotta hang in there, for another day or so
cause turn about will always be fair
for when my time shall come around
I am sure, the debt will be repaid.
When
this time of the moon pulls around I pray for many thugs to keep her occupied. I
have seen many faces of Xena when it is her time.
"Gabrielle????"
Oh Gods, looking up from Journal.
"Yes
Xena?" Gulp.
"I
am ashamed of us." Hello, what in
Tartarus is she talking about?
"We
have not been fighting for the full greater good." Okey dokey???????
"Why,
do you feel we can do more for people?" Gods let me survive this.
"Not
people Gabrielle, the plants, grass and trees." Oh, this is new. Make that many faces and add one.
"That
sounds... good?" Yeah, that’s it,
agree, and things will go smoothly.
"Are
you patronizing me?" Wronggggggg!
"No
Xena, I was ..." Before I had a chance to add more she interrupted me.
"That's
fine Gabrielle, I understand that you don't want to save all of the Gods
creatures." Then stomps off to the other side of the fire. Just
wait until it is my time.
"Bitch!"
I said softly. Hey it slipped. Son of a Bacchae! I forgot that she can hear a
flea fart a mile away.
"What
did you say?" She turned and put her hands on her hips. Oh
boy, think fast.
"Itch??"
Fast thinking there, bard. I started to scratch my arm. Please let her believe.
"Oh,
Do you need some salve?" Ahhh, got out
of that one.
"No,
no, I am fine."
I watch as she goes back to work on her sword.
Where
was I? I should have known things were wrong when I woke up to the sounds of a
cursing wife two days ago. She gets a little puffy and her battledress is a
little tight. I really must block this out every moon. I helped her squeeze into
her breastplate. Then she goes into this frenzy of cleaning and folding our
campsite.
I
sit and watch her roll up her bedroll for the twentieth time; she has to get it
just right. Then she looks up at me and mumbles something about, not holding her
breath waiting for me to do it. It’s been fun! I cannot wait until she starts.
She has cramps, but at least her hormones are less screwy. Good thing we stopped
for supplies at the last town. Picked up some rags when I was there, all I
needed was for her to yell that we were out.
I
went to bathe in the lake just to find some peace. I came back to our burning
fish. She looks at me all smiles like she did good and hands me my plate. She
didn’t burn them too bad this time, which was true. I am still looking at the
piece of fish that looks like bark and smells like Joxer’s feet, hoping she
will leave me to eat while she bathes. No such luck, she wants me to try it.
Gods give me the strength to keep this down. I chiseled off a piece, put it in
my mouth. Who knew you could spit something that far? Next thing I know she is
crying, telling me I don’t love her. After apologizing for a solid candlemark,
we were finally on the road. Thank you Gods!!
What
I am praying for is either a visit from Joxer or some thugs to pick a fight
with, somebody?? Either way her aggressions are put on someone else for a while.
Lucky for me we were jumped by three fools wanting our dinars. I figured she
could handle them all. So, I leaned on Argo and watched her do her thing.
What was priceless was the look on one of the thug’s face. She was
beating the crap out of him when she stops to ask him, "Do
you think I'm pretty?" He could only nod yes. Hey, I would have been in
shock too. After he did that, she decked him and we were again on our way.
Another
thing about her having that time of the moon, she is hornier then Tartarus. The
cute thing about this is she does her version of romantic. Remember she is not
fully there this time of the moon. The poem I got last night proves this fact.
Bard,
Roses
are red Tomatoes can be green,
I
like your legs and what's in between,
I
like your style, I like your class
But
most of all I like your ASS.
X.
Do
not know about anyone else, but that sure made me wet...rolling eyes. I look up
from this wonderful piece of bardic work to see her naked patting the bedroll.
Oh baby, I am in trouble. When she has that look in her eye, it mean she is
going to ride this little bard into the ground. I always wind up with bedroll
burns on my butt. She also says such romantic thing like, Lets screw like bunnies. She does her war cry, jumps on me, and it
is giddy up Bardy. Gods I ache. I am now writing with burning bard buns.
"Gabrielle?"
Gods, kill me please. I look up again. She is looking at her breasts. This
should be interesting.
"Yes,
Xena?" I am a puzzled, and testy. The only way I am having sex again, is if
we are standing up and in water. I am afraid that if she rides me anymore it
would erase my butt.
"Why
didn't you tell me my left breast is bigger then my right?" She looks at me
in tears.
"Ummmm..."
If I say I did not notice then she will think I don’t love her. If I tell her
I didn’t want to hurt her feelings she will be mad that I didn’t tell her.
Play dumb, there you go. Then praise!
"Xena
your breasts are the same size." I hope she believes me.
She is still studying them.
"I
love them, they are so perfect just like you." Whoohoo! I got a smile.
"Now
why don't you put on your shift and lay down to sleep? I’ll be right
there." Please
let her do it, pleaseeeeeeeeeee!!! She stands and strips off the rest of her
clothes and puts her shift on. Thank you sweet Gods. I do so much praying around
this time. Then she stands there looking, or trying to look, at her butt. She
looks at me again.
"Does
this make my butt look big?" That got my eyebrows up.
No one in the world would believe this is the famous Warrior Princess.
"No,
honey, you still have the small firm warrior buns like always." I said
sweetly and wrinkled my nose.
"I
think I’ll brush Argo before bed." She had a bounce in her step. I heard
Argo whinny and run like she was on fire. That’s it girl, run for your life.
Ohhhh nooooo. Wife now has booboo face. Think fast bard.
"I
forgot I brushed her already." She just looked at me and seemed to accept
it. I smiled as she got into our bedroll. She blew me a kiss I blew one back.
OK, I think she will sleep. Good. The truth about Argo is ... Xena's last moon
she brushed that poor horse so hard she gave her bald spots. What is this I
hear, light snoring, yeah, baby.
Where
was I again? Oh, after candle marks of sex. I crawled out of the roll, put stuff
on my butt, and made dinner. Thankful she was sleeping. Moon cycles take a lot
out of you. After she beat the thugs up, we hit another town and I made her
stop. When it's your time, you need sweet things. I got a bunch of cakes and
sugared dates. That should hold her. She didn’t really have a taste for dinner
and she was getting moody. I pulled out the goodies and she ate them like there
was no tomorrow. Good thinking little bard.
She
was too uptight to rest and stayed up to sharpen and polish everything. I snuck
to the other side of the fire to write.
I heard the stone going up and down the blade then stop fast. Uh ho! I
look up, and she is looking at herself in her blade, this is not good. Gods, she
found a wrinkle. Took me forever to convince her she was not old and still very
beautiful. Now I glance over to a very peaceful wife that I love and adore, and
think, wait until it is my time!! You will pay!
Until
Tomorrow,
Gabrielle