ain't myth~behavinG part part 2

Xena, Warrior Princess, bellied up to the bar at the Goatboy's Amphora. "Gimme a port and make it a strong one."

"Nope. Not a drop. Those two," he nodded his head, indicated a very soused Hercules and Iolaus, "have been here all Zeus-damned afternoon and just about drained my stock dry. I'm waitin' for my supplier to get here. All I got left is this glass of warm gin... with a human hair in it. Think you're tough enough, leather babe?"

Xena's pale blue eyes locked onto the bartender's with a Look at Intensity #1. The glass in his hand shook, spilling a few drops of the contents on the wooden surface of the bar. "Gimme," she growled, then snatched the glass from his trembling hand and poured the nasty beverage down her throat.

She shivered and shook her head violently as she felt the burn all the way down to her stomach. The gin wasn't too bad, either. "Seen a pretty little red head come back here in the last coupla candlemarksh, I mean candlemarks?," Xena asked.

"Sure," the bartender grinned. "Saw her going up about a quarter-candlemark ago. Didn't see her leave, though."

Xena pushed herself away from the bar and swayed over to the staircase. After a brisk internal argument with her legs, which were decidedly rubbery, the warrior managed to negotiate the treacherously steady staircase, only falling down twice. That hair must've been stronger than I thought, she said to herself, but I'm still gonna get me some bard tonight!

She noted with satisfaction that the room had been straightened up, the broken furniture replaced. Even the holes in the walls gleamed with fresh plaster.

She did, however, see the parchment sheet lying innocently on a table. Picking it up, she forced her eyes to focus... and then gulped. She did it again!, Xena thought wildly, By Zeus! That little bitch's done it to me again!

With a muffled curse, Xena scribbled something on the much abused piece of parchment and threw it on the table. Then, muttering something under her breath about, "Butt-whuppin'... major noogies... the Hephaestus Death Grip...,' she stalked out of the room, hell-bent upon revenge.

They like me!, she thought, her soul filled with the crowd's adoration, they really like me!

Tersti was whistling shrilly. Some of the younger bards were pumping their arms up and down and yelling, "Woof! Woof! Woof!," in slavish imitation of that exiled-though-once-popular orator, Arsinius Vestibule.

The strawberry-blonde amazon bard grinned hugely. If only Xena could see her now! But try as she might, Gabrielle could catch no sign of her tall, dark-haired warrior.

Oh, well, she thought, maybe next time. She accepted the hundred dinar prize from a smiling judge, and stepped down from the dais. Tersti popped up immediately at her side.

"Ooh, Gabrielle!," he hollered, rolling blue eyes, "You won! I knew you would! I'm so happy I could just bust!!" Tersti jumped up and down, clapping his hands in glee.

Gabrielle noticed a tall, swarthy warrior who wore leather gauntlets on both hands looking at Tersti with a speculative gleam in his dark brown eyes. She turned back to the excited young man and said, "Yeah, yeah, it's great and all that, and the money'll sure come in handy." The bard sighed. "I guess I'd better get back to the inn. Xena's bound to be looking for me."

"Want me to come with you?," Tersti asked. "I could buy you a drink or something."

The swarthy, gaunleted warrior was casually swaggering their way. "Uh, no thanks, Tersti. I'm really tired, it's been a long day," she said hastily, "so I'll probably see you around tomorrow, okay?"

Walking away from a very confused Tersti, Gabrielle hadn't gotten too far away when she heard a deep bass voice rumble, "So, you're Tersti, right? My name's Marc Antony. Buy you a drink?"

Gabrielle got back to the Goatboy's Amphora, hot, tired, sweaty and still as horny as a three-peckered billygoat.

Gods, she thought as she walked into the bar, I'm either gonna hafta sleep in the icehouse or find Xena, but quick!

She slowly climbed the stairs, mentally rehearsing apologies, come-ons and seductive lines. Reaching the door, Gabrielle braced herself, squared her shoulders and bounced into the room, saying loudly, "Hiya, Xena! Boy, have I missed you! Sorry about the hay-breath thing..." Her voice trailed off when she noticed the room was empty.

The shaken bard saw the scrap of parchment on the table. Picking it up with trembling fingers, the disbelieving amazon read Xena's message:

Dear Gabrielle:
Me and the horse-girl aren't an item. Apparently, you and I aren't, either, and I blame you for that! Zeus, don't you have any
patience? I'm really disappointed, Gabrielle, and when I get hold of you, I'm going to take away that wimpy staff and blister your heart-shaped bottom with it! You can run, bardie-poo, but you can't hide!

Gabrielle's lips tightened into a thin line. Her green eyes flashed with such force, it was a wonder the parchment didn't start smoking.

She was mad.

Gabrielle grabbed a writing stick and scribbled something on the parchment, her eyes streaming acid tears of rage.

Throwing it on the table, the amazon bard flew out the door, slamming it behind her with enough force to cause the new mirror on the wall to crash to the floor.

Hercules and Iolaus, oblivious to the goings-on, had their arms around one another's shoulders, blubbering, "I love you, man!" Joxer, his eyes completely crossed now, had abandoned his quest for pink elephants and was searching frantically for barking spiders.

But all around them, the gods were partying like it was 1999... B.C., of course.

"Hi, Gabrielle," Artemis said. Her normally pale face was flushed and her diaphanous tunic hung precariously. She made a wide gesture with one hand and her top slipped off entirely. "Oopsie!," the goddess of the hunt giggled. "I'm making a Roman spectacle of myself!"

Noticing the shocked expression on Gabrielle's face, Artemis adjusted her top and put an arm around the bard's waist. "You know," Artemis began, looking into the bard's face owlishly, "we were all up on Mount Olympus last night watching you guys in the bushes. It was pea-pickin' hilarious! I haven't laughed so much since Apollo fell in love with that nymph, whatshername..."

Seeing Gabrielle's stare, Artemis laughed and continued,"Never mind, sweetie, never mind. So, ennyhoo, we were partying somethin' fierce, and 'Dite got the wind up her skirt over Atropos, so we," she said with a gesture that took in the drunken Olympian gods scattered around the room, "decided to head down to the old Goatboy, do our celebratin' here, and catch the end of the whole frimpin' mess in person!"

Gabrielle looked around, still feeling like she must be in a dream. She pinched herself - Ow! That hurt! - and decided that she must be awake. But she still couldn't believe...

Zeus was sitting at the bar, a plump tavern wench propped on his knee. He had one hand wrapped around a tankard and the other was clamped to the giggling girl's generous breast. The grandfatherly god was cooing in the girl's ear, "No more of that King of the Gods stuff, sweetums! I told you... call me Big Daddy..."

Hades, Ares and the entire Muse Chorus were swaying in one corner, singing The Snakecharmer's Daughter... mostly on-key...

Apollo and Hephaestus were trying to form a conga line with the bewildered mortal bar patrons...

Hera, drunk as a Phoenician dock laborer, had a candleshade on her head and was gyrating wildly around the room, doing the Babylonian hootchie-kootchie, while Athena and Eros crouched over a table and compared tattoos...

Persephone and Demeter were arm-wrestling, beads of sweat on their brows... and Persephone appeared to be winning...

Winged Hermes, living up to his name, was doing loop-the-loops near the ceiling and pitching almond shells on wincing mortal's heads, giggling non-stop...

Poseiden was using his trident to make waves of spilled ale on the floor froth to and fro...

Gabrielle turned back to Artemis and said loudly, trying to be heard over the din, "Okay, so I'm not dreaming and you guys are all really here. Great. Wonderful. Good for you. Now, what was that you were saying about Aphrodite and Atropos?"

As Gabrielle yelled, the entire room fell suddenly, simultaneously silent, making the bard's query clearly audible to the street and beyond.

In further fact, if she'd had the energy, she'd have slaughtered the whole damned town.

The good, slightly muzzy, the world's-spinning-on-a-slight-tilt feeling she'd had earlier from the booze was gone. Now she just felt sick - physically and emotionally.

Xena had been searching the agora for some sign of Gabrielle and finally found a bunch of wide-eyed bards watching a woman and a serpent do things on a tavern stage that were illegal in most provinces... but probably common place in Gomorrah.

When queries didn't work on the mesmerized men, Xena picked up one of the bards by the scruff of his neck and shook him like a rattus. "You seen a red-headed amazon bard around?," she growled.

The bard, his teeth clicking like an Egyptian sistrum, managed to get out, "You...... mean........ Gabrielle?"

Xena dropped him back into his seat, ostentatiously wiping her hand on the front of her breastplate. "Yeah, that's who I'm looking for. Where is she?"

One of the other bards piped up, "She's staying at the Goatboy's Amphora!" He was a sandy blonde slip of a fellow curled up in the meaty embrace of a swarthy warrior type. "Right, Marc Antony?"

The swarthy man said in a deep bass voice, "Yeah, sure, Tersti." He and Xena exchanged glares. "Don't worry, boys," Marc Antony continued, expanding his massive chest, "I'll protect you from the warrior babe."

He curled his lip at Xena, who gave him the Look at Intensity #3. Tiny wisps of smoke curled from Antony's singed moustache; he looked startled, then subsided with a sheepish grin.

Xena said with exaggerated patience, "Look. I know where she's staying. I need to know where she is now."

Tersti said, "That's where she said she was going, last time I saw her. She said she had to go back to the inn. She was looking for Xena and..." The bard gulped and squeaked, "You... you're Xena?"

Xena thought Tersti's eyes were going to pop out of his head and roll around on the floor like a pair of grapes. "Yeah," the dark haired warrior sighed, "I'm Xena."

She started to walk away, then paused. "Nice to have met you," she said, taking a few more steps before continuing, "Sorry I disturbed your evening. 'Night, boys."

As she left, she heard Tersti's high pitched tenor... "Aw, poor Antony! Did the bad, bad warrior lady hurt 'im's iddle-widdle moustache?"

Xena had returned to the Goatboy's Amphora. Hearing the sounds of carousing in the tavern room, the warrior elected to take the back stairs up to the room, not wanting to get involved in any more delays.

In her mind, she rehearsed a speech. Sorry, Gabrielle, I've been a real bitch on wagon wheels, and I never meant to say any of those nasty things. I love you, baby. Will you forgive me?

Pausing at the door, Xena mulled the speech over. Succinct, yes. Perhaps even a little terse. Yet she knew the other woman would understand the feelings from her heart.

Xena waited, drawing out the anticipation. Okay, she knew there'd be a fight. Screaming... definitely. Tearful accusations...most definitely. Throwing things... possibly. But soon, the warrior's favorite part of the argument would come... The "kiss-and- make-up "part.

Humming to herself, pale blue eyes sparkling, Xena opened the door and walked into the room, apology on her lips but ready to duck, just in case.

Xena could feel the rage gathering like storm clouds on the horizon, boiling up from the depths of her soul. A mighty wind seemed to hold her in its grip. Pure, unadulterated fury made electrical currents sizzle down her spine.

Casting her eyes about, they lit on a piece of parchment lying on the table top. Her hands rock steady, the enraged warrior picked up Gabrielle's note and read:

Dear Xena:
How could you? You started all this, you know, by taking Joxer up on his dumb invitation. Now you want to beat me? This is all your fault. Which gods have I offended lately, that they should rain such sorrow on my head? I can't take this anymore. I'm going to find another inn. Don't bother coming after me, Xena. I'm not sure I'm speaking to you anymore.

With an incoherent scream of fury, Xena crumbled the parchment up in her fist and flung it to the floor, then set it aflame with the Look cranked up to Level #10.

She stood there, trembling in every limb, cords standing out in her neck. Dimly, she heard sounds coming from downstairs. Sounded like there was quite a party going on...

Xena suddenly heard Gabrielle's voice clearly, raised and almost shrill, "...were you saying about Atropos and Aphrodite?"

Xena's pale blue eyes narrowed. Now she knew who was behind all this... and, by Zeus, that interfering bitch was going to pay.

One by one, conversations hushed, voices abruptly paused. All eyes, gods and mortal, turned as if pulled by invisible strings to the leather clad figure on the staircase.

Xena had never looked more magnificent... or more deadly. Pale blue eyes glowed like incandescent aquamarines, but these precious gems were filled with a poisonously brilliant fire. It was the Look set on kill, not stun, and the warrior parceled it out as liberally as if it were going out of style.

Her dark hair hissed with static electricity, actually lifting off her broad shoulders, snapping with sparks.

Every muscle in Xena's well-toned body was trembling. A vein throbbed in her forehead, and the grinding of her teeth was audible clear down to Tartarus.

Ares broke the silence. "Aw, Xena," he whined, backing up a few paces, hands out to ward off the Look, "Whatever it is, I didn't do it! I swear!" He cringed as if anticipating a mortal blow.

Xena said nothing. Scanning the crowded room, she caught sight of a speechless Gabrielle.

"There you are," Xena said in a dangerously calm tone that nevertheless sent a shudder throughout the room. "Just the person I've been looking for."

She picked her way carefully down the stairs, forehead vein throbbing dangerously. Reaching the nervous bard, who dropped her sweating goblet and backed into a equally speechless Artemis, Xena said, still calmly, "Where's Aphrodite?"

Silence reigned as everyone in the room looked at everyone else. Finally, voices began to mutter, "Beats me!," "I dunno," and "Heard she was on sabbatical in Sodom."

Xena said softly, "Quiet." Immediately, the room fell silent again. Even the gods didn't dare make a sound, except for Zeus, who snored loudly in one corner, an exhausted tavern wench slumped against his shoulder.

"Uh, Xena," Gabrielle began, but Xena repeated, just as softly as before, "I said quiet, Gabrielle." The bard flushed.

Eros, so nervous his wings shivered involuntarily, made his way carefully over to the warrior. "Hey, like, Xena?," he began, and flinched when the warrior's icy glare swept through him.

"Where's your mother, Eros?," Xena asked. The vein was throbbing alarmingly now and Gabrielle wondered wildly if it would burst in a shower of blood if she touched it... then with wide, scared eyes, the amazon bard decided that she wasn't quite ready for the Elysian Fields just yet.

"Well, it's kinda like this, Xena," Eros said. The scruffy looking god of love ran a hand through his touseled dirty blonde locks. "See, like, mom and Atropos have been at it since last night, 'cause mom was, like, majorly bummed onna counta the Fate got you and the bard babe together. You know, the whole forest scene thing. Real cute, by the way. So I guess they were, like,
totally trashed, 'cause everybody was, you know, party hardy up on Olympus, (nectar all around!), and Atropos started dissin' mom, sayin' her powers were greater than Aphrodite's, yadda yadda, and mom was, like, P.O.'d to the frimpin' hilt."

Xena cranked her glare up a few notches, and Eros continued in a rush, "So anyways, Atropos and mom made this bet, see. If mom could keep you and the bard babe from doin' the wild thing until, like, the sun went down, then mom won. And, so...," he finished lamely, "like, now you know the whole story."

Gabrielle sucked in breath. "Do you mean to tell me...," she began indignantly, when Xena hushed her absently. The vein had stopped throbbing, Gabrielle noticed in relief. "Where are Aphrodite and Atropos now?," the warrior asked Eros.

Before he could reply, however, a voice said behind them, "I'm right here, babes!"

"Miss me?," the goddess of love said flippantly, ignoring Xena's Look at Level #8. "Yeah, right." Turning to the Fate, Aphrodite said, "Like, I totally won, Atropos. It's sunset. Time to put your dinars where your mouth is, weaver chick." She snapped her fingers. "Pay up."

Atropos cocked her head to one side, studying Aphrodite. When she spoke, however, it was to the dark haired warrior who watched the two goddesses intently. "Xena, if you looked out the tavern door, what would you see?," she asked simply.

Xena frowned in thought, then, suddenly, a truly nasty grin flashed across her beautiful face. Grabbing Gabrielle by the hand, she tugged the astounded bard across the room and peeked over the tavern door.

What she saw galvanized the warrior into action. Xena snatched a squealing, squirming Gabrielle over one broad shoulder and sprinted across the room and up the stairs. The entire tavern watched; then listened as an upstairs door slammed shut with an emphatic bang. Conversations began buzzing, and the other gods, with a collective sigh of relief, started carousing again with renewed intensity.

Aphrodite turned to Atropos, a puzzled frowm marring her perfect face. "Like, what was that all about?"

The Fate replied, "Helios hasn't quite returned from his trip, Aphrodite. Look for yourself."

The goddess of love crossed the room, hips undulating like a sack of squirming asps beneath her gown. She, too, peeked over the top of the tavern door. The barest sliver of a blood-red sunset hovered over the horizon. "Oooooh, naughty, naughty!," Aphrodite said, shaking a finger at Atropos. "But really, babe, it's, like, way too late. What can they..." She stopped as a
sound drifted from upstairs, loud enough to carry over the common room din.

It was Gabrielle, and the bard was singing at the top of her lungs... "Sweet myth-tery of life... at last I've found you..."

Atropos gave the stunned Aphrodite a smug smile. "Xena has many skills," she quipped, then held out her hand. "Pay up, 'Dite. Fair's fair."

For a moment, it appeared as if the goddess of love was going to erupt like Vesuvius. Then she shrugged her shoulders good-naturedly and poured fifty dinars into the grinning Fate's hand.

Putting her arm around Atropos' shoulders, Aphrodite shouted, "Yo! Like, let's party, dudes!" The two goddesses smiled hugely at one another. "Atropos, babe, lemme buy you some nectar," the blonde goddess said. "Looks like it's gonna be another looong night."

From time to time, party-goers would cock their heads and listen to the noises issuing from an upstairs room... and giggle.

And time, who by now had the world's worst hangover... just kept on keepin' on.
.

CHORUS: Oh, the Snakecharmer's Daughter
                  She was much hotter
                  Than Vesuvius; and always got her way -
                  When she licked her lips,
                  And wiggled her hips,
                  Why, the snakes stood up and noticed right away!

VERSE I:    Once she went to Rome where she met a gnome
                   Who had a snake of vast enormous size;
                   He whipped it out and she gave a shout - For
                   Her appetite was bigger than her eyes!

VERSE II:    Though she was good and behaved as she should
                    A priest thought she could use some special prayer;
                    So sacred his asp that she had to gasp - For
                    It was so small that it was barely there!

VERSE III:   She entered a race with a donkey from Thrace
                    And thought she spied some serpents in the grass;
                    Searching, bent over, while the donkey ate clover
                    Surprise! A snake invaded her poor ass!

**The Author wishes to acknowledge the invaluable assistance of Dr. Janice Covington and her partner, Mel Pappas, whose translation of a special Xena scroll*** contained the above song. Although Pappas' treatise on The Snakecharmer's Daughter ("A Study of Herpitological Symbolic Aspects in Music of the pre-Christianity Hecate Cults," Oxford University Press, 1949)
chose to focus on the song as a pean to a serpent goddess couched in vague, religious tones, I have interpreted the song within its own context (ie; a bawdy tavern song probably common to the era). You make the call!

***The scroll, alas, was incomplete; the verses and chorus above are the only known text, although Saturninus mentions in his personal memoires, "...that scandalous song about the snake woman that... has hundreds of verses - you know, Caeser's favorite little ditty!"

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