by Norsebard
Contact: norsebarddk@gmail.com
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DISCLAIMERS:
The characters of Xena, Gabrielle, Argo and Celeste from the TV show 'Xena Warrior Princess' belong to Studio USA/Renaissance Pictures/Universal or whoever actually owns them now. Hades, Charon and Ares are mythological characters that are in the public domain. No infringement on anyone's rights is intended. All other characters are created by myself, and belong to me.
This story depicts a budding romantic relationship between consenting adult women. If such a story frightens you, you better click on the X in the top-right corner and find something else to read.
NOTES FROM THE AUTHOR:
Written: June 3rd - 4th, 2024 - based on a vignette written October 2007 ! =:D
Timeline: The story takes place very early on in the first season of Xena Warrior Princess. In short, Xena is still taciturn and somewhat buttoned-up while Gabrielle is bubbly and gesticulates a lot.
*Wave* Hi, Phineas! :)
As usual, I'd like to say a great, big THANK YOU to my mates at AUSXIP Talking Xena, especially to the gals and guys in Subtext Central. I really appreciate your support - Thanks, everybody! :D
Description: Early on in Xena and Gabrielle's adventures, they're sent down into the Underworld to help Hades with an embarrassing problem: Charon is missing! In order to see the Well of Truth, the rivers of slime, the Forest of Terror and other celebrated landmarks, they must first clear the backlog of newly dead waiting to be ferried across the river Styx…
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THE DAY WE MET CHARON AND CELESTE
On the road from Olinthius to Apollonia to visit the town's famed bi-annual Sacred Calliope Poetry Festival, Xena, Gabrielle and Argo had been forced to follow a lesser-used trail when a large mudslide had blocked their preferred route. The reason for the trail's unpopularity had soon become painfully evident when countless scores of rocks of all shapes and sizes were found to litter every last inch of the path.
To counter the treacherous conditions, Xena walked ahead of Argo pulling the Palomino mare along by the harness so any mishaps could be avoided. Gabrielle, who used a gnarled branch as a walking stick, tried the grassy verge in the hope it would be smoother, but she had little luck. A long line of mumbles, grumbles and rural Thracian cussing escaped her when her long, brown skirt got in the way of her feet time and time again.
The familiar crackling of ozone not too far from their spot made them come to sudden stops and look around. Argo grew skittish almost at once, so Xena had to calm her down by stroking its muzzle and patting its flanks. The warrior studied their surroundings closely without finding anything untoward.
"Did you hear that? Of course you did. You hear everything," Gabrielle said, taking the opportunity to move back onto the rocky trail. Once there, she tried pulling up the lower hem of her long skirt to ease her progress, but it didn't really work as needing to hold onto not only her skirt but the walking stick as well upset her balance. Ultimately, she let the skirt fall back onto the rocks. "What do you think it was? It sounded a little like… well, not like distant thunder, but… I don't know what it was. Maybe I don't want to know what-"
"It was the sound of a God entering our realm."
"Oh!" Gabrielle said, throwing her arms out wide. "Which one? I mean, which God? This is so exciting! I need to write it down… yes, I need to write it down while it's still fresh in my mind!"
Hurrying around Argo's hind quarters, Gabrielle got up on tip-toes to open the flap on one of the saddlebags. A sharp quill and the scroll case containing her journals were soon located, but the inkwell proved impossible to find. "The ink… where's the ink? I can't find the… Xena, have you seen my inkwell?"
"No."
"Inkwell, inkwell, come out wherever you- Oh! There it is!"
While Gabrielle began updating her daily journals with the fascinating information, Xena let out a barely audible sigh as she continued to scan their surroundings.
The ethereal presence they had heard suddenly materialized not ten feet from Argo causing the Palomino to jerk back. The unexpected motion not only made Xena lose grip on the harness, it caused a long and highly inventive blue streak to explode into the air from somewhere beyond the horse's flanks: "Argo, now look what you've done! I swear, Xena, your horse hates my guts! It made me poke the tip of the quill straight through my almost brand new scroll!"
Xena sighed again as she turned to face the visiting God who turned out to be Hades, the Ruler of the Underworld. The regal-appearing God, whose black leather outfit was even more imposing than that of his nephew Ares, took off an overly-ornate helmet to reveal his true visage. Like all the Olympians - save for the disfigured Haephestus - Hades had been given the classic heroic chin, strong, piercing eyes and a high brow, but unlike all his close or distant relatives, his hair was sandy and shaped into a stylish hairdo.
While Gabrielle let out a steady stream of words about the unfairness of life, the odd fact that horses seemed to dislike her, the poor quality of parchment and several other topics that she couldn't keep bottled up any longer, Hades put the legendary Helmet of Invisibility under his arm and stepped closer to Xena.
"Does she always talk that much?" the God said, staring at the petite woman who flailed her arms while stomping around in a circle.
"Yup."
"Poor you."
"She has other qualities. Why are you here?"
Hades turned back to Xena and tried to offer her a wide smile that never quite made it to his eyes. "Well… we have a small issue in the Underworld that requires an expert's touch to fix."
"And you thought of me. I'm flattered. Did you run out of tough guys to ask?"
"As a matter of fact… yes. You skewered most of them!"
"They had it coming. So… here we are. What's the issue?"
Hades grimaced. It was obvious by the look upon his Godly face that he found the situation somewhat embarrassing, even if he tried to hide it by sweeping his hair aside in a nonchalant fashion. "Charon's missing-"
Before Xena could even open her mouth to reply, Gabrielle bolted around Argo's hind quarters to join the conversation - she held the torn scroll in one hand and the pointy quill in the other. "Charon?! The Ferryman?! The denizen of the Underworld who's as ugly as a horned toad? How can he go missing? Xena, he takes all the dead people across the Styx! Well, you obviously know that. I remember hearing so many stories about him, but I never- oh, I'll bet there's an enormous line of dead people waiting to-"
"We get the picture," Xena said, cutting Gabrielle off before she could really get going. "Hades, do you have any idea where he could be?"
The God shook his head. "Not at present, no. I don't know when it happened or what caused him to simply up and leave like that. The situation is getting out of hand down there. Something must be done… and soon!"
As expected, Xena and Gabrielle's reactions couldn't be further apart. Where Gabrielle threw her arms in the air in a dramatic gesture, Xena merely cocked an eyebrow. "Why don't you do it yourself, Hades?" she said in a slightly confrontational monotone.
"Me?! Should I get my hands dirty- Xena, I'm the administrator! You can't expect me to get involved in the day-to-day business. Will you help me or not?"
Xena fell quiet for a long beat. When her answer came, it could be contained in a single syllable: "No." With that, she grabbed hold of Argo's harness and resumed guiding her along the rocky trail - Gabrielle hurriedly excused herself and ran after her companions.
Hades kept standing in the middle of the trail for a moment or two. Grumbling, he disappeared in a crackling of ozone.
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Later that evening - close to sundown.
The last rays of the setting sun cast their golden light upon a small clearing that Xena had deemed suitable for their needs. To have something to sit on while they ate supper, their bedrolls had already been spread out next to a firepit. The contents of a cooking pot sent out a delicious scent that made Xena's stomach growl in anticipation.
Standing by the firepit, Gabrielle dipped a ladle into the pot to sample the dish. "The rabbit stew is almost ready. Just another pinch of salt and spices and the carrots, leeks and sweet peas will be perfect. And the rabbit meat, too, of course. You know, one of these days, you really need to teach me how to hunt. I mean, I can already skin the prey and prepare the meat and all those things because Mother taught me how to do that, but it's the hunting part that really trips me up. Ha, and that's to be taken literally!"
Standing up straight, Gabrielle pulled up in her long skirt to show the lower hem. "Do you remember the other week where I stepped on the hem and fell on my face?"
"Yes."
"Well, of course you do. You remember everything. And I obviously had to land on the only stinging nettle for leagues- oh, I think the stew is ready," Gabrielle said as she moved back to the pot. "Yes, it's ready. Please, hand me your bowl."
A mumbled "Thank the Gods…" escaped out of the corner of Xena's mouth before she twisted around to find their eating utensils.
Gabrielle soon transferred a ladleful of the steaming-hot stew into Xena's bowl. "Do you know what this reminds me of?" she said, standing up straight and keeping a firm grip on the bowl she had filled for Xena. "Well, you can't, of course, because we didn't know each other then. Ha-ha. This reminds me of something that I did with my sister Lila a few years back… yes, we were out camping-"
"Gabrielle…"
"I call it camping, but it was really just a long hike where we had brought a tent and a few things- well, I suppose camping is the right word after all-"
"Gabrielle, my stew!"
"What? Oh… yes. Sorry." The bowl had barely changed hands before Gabrielle resumed her tale, wild gesticulations and all: "And during the first night, we heard a bear. At least I think it was a bear. I'm sure it was… not that I've ever heard a bear. Oh, that's not true! When I was a very, very young girl, even before Lila was born, my parents and I traveled north to the Carpathians to visit some relatives who lived near the southern foothills. I've been told we encountered a brown bear on the journey. Of course, the story could have been exaggerated. It does happen, you know."
Xena stopped eating for long enough to let out a mumbled "Oh, trust me… I know," while she cast a sideways glance at the enthusiastic storyteller.
Gabrielle finally sat down on her bedroll after filling her own bowl with stew - the next few moments were free of any kind of speaking, but the peace and quiet lasted far shorter than Xena would have liked.
"Oh, that was good!" Gabrielle said, putting away the empty bowl.
Xena stared at her own bowl that remained half-full even after dunking the spoon in it a dozen times if not more. Then she stared at Gabrielle's empty one. "Where do you put it all?"
"I'm still growing. You're already old. I mean, older. I mean… you're already an adult. Ha-ha. Ah… yes. More stew?"
"I have plenty, thanks."
Blushing, Gabrielle took her empty bowl to get a refill while it was still hot. She had barely sat down once more when Xena shot to her feet and drew her sword from the sheath on her hip.
"Wh- what?" Gabrielle croaked. "Can you hear something? Someone?"
"I sense someone. Close to us," Xena said, twirling her sword.
"Highwaymen? Raiders? Renegades? Robbers? Ruffians?"
A loud crackle of pale-blue ozone provided the answer with such dramatic effect that Gabrielle shrieked and fell backwards onto her bedroll. Though the spoon went flying, she managed to hold onto the bowl and its precious contents. Grumbling severely at the rudeness of certain uninvited guests, she clambered back around to sit on her knees.
"What do you want, Ares?" Xena said in a low, dangerous voice. Though no kind of physical weapon would do any good against the Godly presence, she kept her sword trained at the tall, buff individual who entered the cone of flickering light emanating from the firepit.
As always, the ruggedly - and deceptively - handsome Ares wore shiny black leather from top to toe. The V-shaped top was a vest that revealed not only his bulging arms, but his manly chest as well. His curly, shoulder-length hair was just as shiny as his leather outfit, almost as if he had emptied an entire amphora's worth of olive oil into it to achieve the perfect luster.
"I've come to see if you've fallen ill all of a sudden," Ares said with a lop-sided grin. He briefly eyed Gabrielle before he ignored her completely and strolled over to his former number-one squeeze.
"Why should I be ill?"
"Because it's unlike you to reject an offer that could involve a little murder and mayhem."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Ares." Sitting down, Xena kept her sword across her lap while she reached for the saddlebag that held her sharpening tools.
"I know for a fact that you spoke to uncle H earlier today. Tell me, what was wrong with his offer? The Underworld is a mess."
A long, pregnant silence filled the air around the firepit. Gabrielle stared wide-eyed at the formidable opponents, who - at least at first glance - had a great deal in common. The God's comments finally made her jump and throw her arms in the air. "Oh! So Charon really is missing? By the Gods, that's so terrible for the deceased… everyone knows that if they can't cross the Styx in good order, their souls are doomed to wander the sandy shores for a hundred years-"
Ares waved his hand which rendered Gabrielle incapable of producing a sound.
Although the junior bard tried very, very hard to break the influence the God had on her vocal cords, the results were just as effective as if someone had glued her lips shut.
"I don't recall speaking to you, weevil," Ares said with barely hidden disdain in his voice. "Xena, do you want me to stomp on the little, red bug? I can, you know."
Ignoring the God's offer, Xena began moving her whetstone across the edges of the sword. "What do you care what happens in the Underworld? Don't tell me Hades is using you as his messenger. Or perhaps you're just trying to improve your standing with your father?"
"Oh, please!" Ares growled, sending another hand-wave in Gabrielle's direction - this time, she was thrown several feet backwards. As she landed on her rear, the bowl flew from her hand which in turn deposited the rabbit stew all over the undergrowth.
A barked "Ares! State your case and leave us alone!" burst from Xena as she jumped up and ran over to help Gabrielle back on her feet.
The spell of silence was still in place, but it was lifted just in time for Gabrielle to let out a rasping: "-of a Bacchae! You ruined my stew!"
"Boo-hoo-hoo," Ares said in a flat, unimpressed voice before he turned to his best apprentice. "Xena, I've spent an eternity orchestrating a grand battle between two equal kingdoms. The slaughter was magnificent! Body parts everywhere, guts were spilled, blood splattering in glorious cascades… and then it all came to an abrupt end. Battlus Interruptus. No matter what the soldiers tried, they couldn't kill each other. Oh sure, they could still sever limbs and heads, but when the heads started talking back, it turned a little weird."
"Charon doesn't have anything to do with that," Xena said, but she was cut off before she could go on:
"But Celeste does!" Gabrielle said in an enthusiastic voice that proved she had already overcome the sad loss of her rabbit stew. "Yes, don't forget that Celeste is Death herself who took over from Thanatos as the one who collects the souls of the newly dead and brings them down to Charon's ferry so they can be-"
Gabrielle's gesticulations grew even wilder as she struck a pose that wouldn't have looked out of place at the fabled Athens City Academy Of The Performing Bards: "Ahhhhh, the legend of Thanatos! It's so tragic but oh, so beautiful! When the old Death grew tired of his grim task, he pledged to stand down after another five crossings. Alas, the five came in one accident where an entire family perished when their cart overturned and sent them into an icy river in the mountains far north of here-"
"Yadda, yadda, yadda!" Ares said, making an entirely different kind of gesture compared to Gabrielle's arm-waving. "That's not what happened. One, the old geezer despised you humans. Two, he just got bored with the gig. Three, his brother Hypnos and I threw him a farewell party for the ages. We had tons of Ambrosia, barrels of Nectar, plenty of smoking herbs and dozens of nude dancers to amuse ourselves with. Yeah, that was the same party where Aphrodite broke her own record by- no, I better not tell you. Your heads will explode."
The interruption caused Gabrielle to slam her hands onto her hips and assume a surly expression, but Xena was her old, calm self: "Ares, I'm sure there must be a point to all this."
"The point is that Charon is missing and my warriors have stopped dying! I want you to go down to the Underworld and fix it! Now!"
"Why not ask Hercules?"
"Because I get acid indigestion whenever I go anywhere near that boy scout. How you could stomach being with him, I'll never know. Look, I'm not asking… I'm demanding that you resolve this problem!"
Xena bolted to her feet and faced the God. The leather-clad opponents stood eye-to-eye for a few moments before she shook her head. "I'm not your puppet anymore, Ares. If you want something done, do it yourself."
Growling, Ares spun around and walked away from Xena. Instead of leaving the scene with his customary crackling of ozone, he grabbed Gabrielle's arm and pulled her close - the young bard barely had time to squeak. "I'm glad you haven't forgotten everything I taught you, Xena. How's this for an incentive?"
With that, Ares and Gabrielle disappeared in the familiar cloud of blue lightning. As the last echoes of the thunderous rumbling died down, a disembodied laugh rolled through the small clearing. It was soon followed by an ethereal 'So what'll it be, Xena?'
"All right, all right! You rotten bastard!"
Returning alone with yet another crackling of ozone, Ares grinned from ear to ear - it seemed genuine unlike his usual, sinister expressions. "I knew you'd come around. Well, let's go."
"Where's Gabrielle?"
"I left the little weevil at the Well of Truth. Cerberus 'll stand guard. Ah, she's fine," Ares said, waving his hand as if he really didn't care the slightest. "There's no time like the present. And I wanna get back to the massacre!"
The upper world soon disappeared in a pale-blue flash. It only took a moment for the Underworld to come into view.
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There were countless ways to reach the Underworld, but they all joined up at a sandy slope that reached down to the heaving mass of disgusting, reddish-black goo known as the River Styx. The slope, the river and the distant massif of rocks on the opposite riverbank - partially obscured by a gray haze - were all inside an enormous cavern where the ceiling was never more than fifteen feet off the ground.
Jagged dorsal fins, probing tentacles and hideous visages of various monstrous creatures occasionally broke through the surface of the Styx only to dive out of sight once more.
Charon's boat drifted aimlessly at roughly half distance between the sandy shore and the distant massif. Apart from a small list and the fact that two of its four grotesque skull-lights had gone out, the boat seemed none the worse for wear.
The terrified cries of the newly dead echoed through the cavern to add layers of horror and misery to the oppressive sights. To make matters even worse, such a foul odor emanated from the reddish-black goo that even the dead had to fan their noses.
Several of those waiting in line for Charon's boat to come and pick them up were knocked over by Ares and Xena arriving, but they already had plenty to complain about so another issue didn't seem to matter too much to them.
Xena let out a grunt as she took in the vast number of people waiting for the boat that wouldn't come. All ages and most professions were represented among the dead: a white-haired cobbler, identifiable by his trademark leather apron, played ball with a couple of younglings who still wore their illness robes. Elsewhere, two soldiers tried to chat up a nice, young dead lady, but they had little success in achieving anything apart from getting slapped hard across their cheeks.
The only one who wasn't there was Gabrielle. Xena shook her head when it dawned on her she might have been fooled by yet another deception by the God of War. "Ares… you said Gabrielle was here."
"And she is."
"Where?"
"Over by the Well of Truth. By Cerberus's cage. Like I told you," Ares said, pointing at the distant rock formation. "The little weevil's probably yakking the poor mutt's ears off."
"I want her here. Now."
Ares cocked his head as he took in the sight of Xena's gloomy face. "Oh, what for?" he said in a voice that held a distinct whine. "We're so good together, Xena! We can kick butt from here to the molten core. Wouldn't that be awesome? Just like old times. And she's just a little bug that I'm seriously gonna stomp on-"
"She's my friend. Get her here or I won't help you."
The God of War gnashed his teeth for a brief moment before he disappeared in a pale-blue cloud. Not two heartbeats later, he returned with his muscular arm wrapped around Gabrielle's midriff. "Here. Happy now?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Oh, so now she thanks me… and for what? For getting the pest back! What's the Underworld coming to?" Ares mumbled as he disappeared once more.
Gabrielle let out a nervous laugh as she fixed her long, reddish locks that had been ruffled by the rapid Godly transport. "Well… that was strange, ha-ha. I saw Cerberus! You know, he really does have three heads! They were all quite ugly, come to think of it. Oh… ew! By the Gods, the stench is even worse over here!"
"Gabr-"
"That's so weird… you'd think that the animal cages- at least… I presume they were animals? There were two other creatures besides Cerberus. What's up with the Gods and the number three? There are three Fates, three Furies, three… three… well, I'm sure there are other things. But maybe they weren't animals at all?"
"Gabrielle-"
"Who knows. In any case, you'd expect the smell to be worse by the cages, but no. No, it's even stronger over here. Oh! Oh, by the Gods, look at all those… ah… uh… dead people milling about! Let's go over and talk to-"
"Gabrielle!" Xena said, smacking a hand onto her junior friend's shoulder. "I have a simple question and I need a simple answer. Did you drink from the Well of Truth?"
"Uh… yes. I was really thirsty. I think I'd put a little too much salt in the rabbit stew after all even though I followed the recipe to the letter. Of course, there was a small section of the scroll that had been torn off, so I may have- wait… why? Is it bad to drink from the Well of Truth? I'm not going to die or anything, am I? Not that it would make much of a difference considering where we are."
Xena drew a deep breath that she let out slowly. "Let's just say, I wish you hadn't. That's for later. The sooner we get this over and done with, the sooner we can return to our own world."
"I'm right behind you. I'll be so close I'll be like a burr stuck to your leathers," Gabrielle said, practicing what she said by walking so close to Xena that an unfurled scroll couldn't fit between them. "Speaking of burrs… if we ever run into Zeus on one of our journeys, I think I'll ask him why he added all those spikes to the burrs. Or is that redundant? In some dialects, spike actually means burr. Or maybe burr means spike. Yes, that's probably it, come to think of it-"
"Gabrielle, save it for later. Please. We have work to do," Xena said as they approached an unruly group of soldiers. Judging by their sweaty faces, torn tunics, fresh amputations and oozing wounds, chances were they had been among the last to have been killed in Ares's so-called 'grand battle' before the absence of Death had messed up everyone's plans. "All right, men, listen up!" she barked to get their attention. "Who's the highest ranking soldier among you? Any senior officers down here?"
Someone cried 'Yeah, right!' which made the others break out in gruff laughter.
A man in his mid-thirties stepped forward. Though his throat had been cut from ear to ear, his eyes had lost none of their sharpness. His summer campaign tunic - that bore the colors and symbols of the House of Anchialos - was torn and bloodied, and his bare legs were red with blood from hidden wounds. "I reckon that'll be me, warrior. Aristos of Messembria. First Corps Phalanx Chief of His Majesty Anchialos's hoplites."
"Xena of Amphipolis. Honored to meet you, Chief Aristos," Xena said, clasping arms with the fallen soldier. "I'm sure you'll have worked out by now that Charon has deserted his post. We need to get the regular service back in full swing or the Underworld will turn so messy you'll never be allowed to move on. To do that, we need to reel the boat back here. I need all the able-bodied men you have."
Gabrielle remained stuck to Xena's back. Now and then, she peeked past the leather-clad warrior to take in the horrific sight of the slain soldiers they were talking to.
"Well," Aristos said, scratching his neck as he looked at the motley crew of blood-splattered people with him. "Able-bodied… that might pose a problem, warrior. I can't promise anything, but… I'll see what I can round up."
"Thank you. That's all I can ask for. Gabrielle?"
"I'm here! I'm here!" Gabrielle said and finally left the protection offered by Xena's armored back. "By the Gods, I can't believe I don't have my scroll and quill with me!"
"Gabr-"
"And my inkwell, of course. Can't do much writing without an inkwell. But speaking of my inkwell, I can't remember the last time I refilled it. It might be empty for all I know, and then it wouldn't really be of much use, would it? Actually, I've seen someone dip the quill into-"
"Gabrielle, please. Just make a mental note of what you see. All right?"
"All right! Anything for you, Xena," Gabrielle said with a shy smile. "You know, when I first saw you in that clearing outside Potaideia, I knew there was something special about you-"
Xena nodded several times while she waited for a natural break in the stream of words flowing from the young bard. When none ever came, she made her own instead: "That's nice. Gabrielle, you need to stand back because we're going to try to recover the boat. Can you do that? Please? Stay here and watch from a distance."
"Sure! Sure, I can do that! No problem. No problem whatsoever," Gabrielle said before she pulled up in her long skirt, folded her legs and sat down with a bump on the sandy shore. "I'm really good at sitting still and keeping quiet. No, really I am! Yes, I can't tell you how often I won when Lila and I played the hedgehog game. I'm sure you're familiar with it… that's the one where you just lie there completely still and pretend not to see or hear anything. The one who can stay that way the longest wins the game- did you ever play the hedgehog game when you were a little girl, Xena?"
Xena's only reply was a perfectly arched eyebrow.
"Ah… yes. I'll just sit here and watch. And be quiet," Gabrielle said, shuffling around in the sand to make herself comfortable.
---
A short while later, Xena tied one end of a hemp rope to her Chakram. One of the benefits of having the entire Underworld caught in such an upheaval was that everyone got to keep the weapons, tools, toys and other utilities they had used during the moment of death - when Charon's ferry service ran normally, everyone had to check the hardware at the door. Those who went to the Elysian Fields wouldn't have any use for it, and those destined for the sulfuric caves somewhere in Tartarus would have plenty of new things to be concerned with.
Thus, she and Aristos had been able to round up more than 200 feet of the finest hemp rope that the craftsmen of Piraeus and other port cities had to offer. Taking a step back, she narrowed her eyes down into a squint as she calculated the best angle to use in order to get the Chakram out to the boat. From one moment to the next, she burst into action as she threw the circular weapon away from the sandy shore. Down at her feet, the rope uncoiled with great speed.
"She swings!" Gabrielle cried, clapping her hands in glee. When the Chakram ricocheted off the low ceiling at roughly half distance to the target, she threw her arms in the air to prepare for the jubilation that was certain to come.
Much to everyone's surprise, the Chakram's flight path ended up short. Instead of attaching itself to the side of Charon's boat as planned, it ended limply in the reddish-black goo where it began to sink almost at once. Within moments, several dorsal fins broke through the surface on trajectories that would soon intercept the unexpected morsel.
"Awwwwwwwww! She misses!" Gabrielle cried, earning herself a sideways glare.
Grumbling at the uncharacteristic lack of success, Xena began winding up the hemp rope. It didn't seem the dunking in the goo had harmed it, but she kept a close eye on the knots where the smaller pieces had been tied together to see if any of them had come loose.
Her Chakram proved not to be on the menu of any of the swimming beasts as it soon returned to her in fine fettle - save for being coated in goo. It was nothing a sandy wipe-down couldn't deal with, and it wasn't long before she was ready to try again.
"Aaaaaaaaand… batter up!" Gabrielle said before she broke out in a goofy laugh that made Xena sigh.
Instead of asking what Gabrielle's peculiar comments actually meant, Xena thrust her arm forward with even greater strength than before. Once more, the Chakram, dragging the rope behind it, ricocheted off the low ceiling at the halfway point sending a shower of orange sparks into the black goo below.
This time, the weapon lost no speed but whacked straight into the side of Charon's boat with a loud Thwackkkk!
Behind the warrior, Gabrielle jumped to her feet and threw her arms in the air all over again. "Oy-oy, ooh-ohh, ahh-ahh, the Warrior Princess knocked it clean outta the park! Come on, Xena! Bring the boat back! Oy, that's a lotta B's!"
"Gabri-ellllle," Xena said in a groaning growl as she dug her boots into the sand and began to pull on the hemp rope. The boat was heavier than it appeared, but she was soon able to get it swiveled around which helped with pulling it back to the sandy shore.
Several of the able-bodied men that Aristos had been able to find came to her assistance, toiling so hard their fresh wounds oozed even worse - Gabrielle did her bit too by jumping up and down and offering cheers, chants and somewhat incoherent words of support for all involved.
---
Little by little, the hard-working team managed to pull the boat back to the shore. Once it had run up on the sand, Xena yanked the Chakram out of the disgusting woodwork and untied the knots that held the hemp rope in place. Another quick wipe-down of the circular weapon was carried out before she performed one of her trademark forward somersaults up into the boat.
A "Hmmm," escaped her as she took in the sight of Charon's usual work space. The wooden boat was equipped with six rows of seating which would come in handy given the backlog. Each end had a raised platform where the Ferryman would operate the barge pole and the long oar. Two of the candles in the boat's four skull-lights had gone out, but the other two continued to flicker.
Apart from a small leak that could easily be dealt with, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The barge pole and the oar were still attached to their latches down the back end of the boat - which would be the wrong end for pushing off the shore - so Xena went down to retrieve them.
Somersaulting up onto the raised platform enabled her to see the boat's regular berth another seventy yards or so along the shore - the reason why they couldn't see it from the entry point to the Underworld was that the skull-light that illuminated the berth and the gangway had gone out like several of the others. Another grunt escaped her as she unlatched the barge pole and the oar and went back to the other end. "Gabrielle!"
"Yes! I'm here! Actually, I've been here the whole time- I mean, yes, Xena?"
"I'm going to push it over to its regular berth… I'll be fighting the current, but I think I can manage. Can you see the gangway from down there?"
"No…"
"All right. It's seventy, maybe seventy-five yards from where you are now. Let's meet over there. It'll be much easier for the dead to climb aboard," Xena said before she used the long barge pole to push off the sandy shore.
---
The current was stronger than it appeared which meant reaching the regular berth took longer than Xena had anticipated. By the time she steered the boat alongside the wooden gangway, Gabrielle and Aristos had plenty to do trying to calm down a horde of dead people who all wanted to be first in line.
While Aristos's soldiers acted as crowd control, Gabrielle ran back and forth along the unruly forward line with her arms spread out wide. "No, no, no! Be patient! The boat's here so you only have to wait a little while longer. You can do that, can't you? Sure you can! I mean, you're already dead so what does it matter if you have to wait longer? Why, I'm reminded of a funny story- at least, I think it's funny. You may not think it's so funny 'cos it involves-"
A call of 'Gabrielle?' from somewhere behind the junior bard was thoroughly ignored.
"Oh, it's probably not funny in this company. I better not- hey! Step back there! Yes, I'm talking to you, plow boy! My-my, that's certainly a stylish hoofprint you have on your forehead there. Let me guess… you were trampled to death? I was trampled once. Okay, it was a baby lamb and not a fully-grown horse, but it took a week for the bruise to go away."
"Gabr-"
"Hey, hey, hey! This is the Underworld, not the Cock And Bull Tavern in Braggadocius! Let's have some order, please. I don't have a gavel so you can't hear me knocking, but just imagine it, okay? There's to be no pushing, no shoving, no nudging and certainly no barging! And absolutely no groping, but that's another story entirely."
A strong cry of "Gabrielle!" rolled across the gangway as Xena jumped off the boat's railing and walked along the row of poorly fitting wooden planks. Just like the boat itself, the planks were slimy and disgusting - some creaked as she stepped on them while others had already cracked. Down below, a pair of floppy tentacles reached upward in the hope of snatching the leg of someone who literally fell through one of the cracks.
"Uh… yes, Xena?"
"We're ready for the first batch of the dead. We have room for twenty at a time."
Grinning, Gabrielle let out an enthusiastic "Will do!" before she spun around and hurried over to those who had waited most patiently to reward them in such a time of need.
Xena observed the selection process for a moment before she went over to Aristos of Messembria. The warriors soon clasped arms. "Thank you for your help, Chief. You and your men will be ferried over as the third or fourth group. We just need to clear some of the women and children first."
"No problem," Aristos said with a grin that had gained an unfortunate sinister look due to the gaping wound across his neck. "Say… won't it be the same mess when we're Judged?"
Xena shook her head. "Hades does that personally. Everything should run smoothly. Now all we have to do is to find Charon and Celeste so we can get things back to normal. Or what counts as normal around here."
"Oh… Death has gone missing as well? That would explain the sudden stop in the flow of newly dead," Aristos said, scratching his wound. "It must be an even bigger mess topside."
"Probably."
Over by the boat, Gabrielle waved her arms in the air to catch Xena's attention. When she finally managed to do so, she pointed wildly at the full load of twenty deceased that she had chosen as the first ones. Xena nodded before she turned back to Aristos of Messembria. "Once again, thank you, Chief. We'll talk later."
-*-*-*-
The distance between the gangway at the sandy shore and the identical one over by the rocky massif on the opposite riverbank wasn't too great - only 250 yards or so - but the strong current and the constant impacts of the monsters of the Styx meant that each return trip took longer than Xena's patience allowed for.
The seventh and final crossing to the far side of the Styx was undertaken with a reduced number of dead travelers. Instead of the twenty or so who had been onboard for each of the first six trips, the final one only saw twelve people occupying the benches.
Gabrielle wasn't about to let a lower number of spectators have a negative impact on her storytelling. As Xena spent her time down the far end using the barge pole and the oar to push and steer, the young bard rushed back and forth on the raised platform up front playing no less than four different characters in an abridged version of one of Skolopides's classic tragedies: 'A Thousand Nights Of Despair.'
She had seen the full play performed on stage by a traveling troupe, and while the rather lengthy running time had made her backside grow numb, it had certainly captivated her. Posterior numbness wouldn't be a factor with the present performance as the crossing wasn't long enough for that to set in, but it still seemed the intellectual nature of the material was a bit too much for the audience.
"Ack, my sweet Andros!" she cried, falling onto her knees while clutching her hands in front of her. "I beg thee not to take thy own life! My heart shall surely wither and die if thy empty the vial and allow the poison to runneth past the sweet lips I have kissed so often-"
Down among the audience, a middle-aged, somewhat overweight fellow rose from the bench. Dressed in the clothes typically worn by cattle traders - a coarse cloak covering long-legged boots, leather pants and a loose tunic - the look on the man's ruddy face proved he wasn't too impressed with Gabrielle's choice of entertainment. "Oi, luv! That be an ass-borin' play! Aintcha ever gonna come to the good stuff? Dontcha got no seductive dance or som'tin ya could do instead? Or mebbe you an' one of them boys there on the front row could put on a li'l floorshow or som'tin? Anythin' but that borin'-"
The man never made it any further as someone tapped on his shoulder. When he turned to look, he found himself face to face with a tall, leather-clad warrior whose ice-blue eyes were as hard as diamonds. When the warrior made the age-old gesture of 'zip it' before pointing at the bench, the cattle trader broke out in a frantic nod and sat down before further grief could come to him - his first death had come from chugging down an entire jar of home-made spirits, but chances were the second death would be messier given the ire of the leather-clad warrior and the number of creatures swimming in the goo all around the boat.
Sighing, Xena locked eyes with a flustered Gabrielle before she went back to the barge pole to push them the rest of the way. Up front on the raised platform, Gabrielle let out a huff and crossed her arms over her chest in a clear fit of artistic pique. A mumbled "Everyone's a critic," left her before she spun around to act as the lookout instead.
---
The central area just beyond the landing and the wooden gangway on the far side of the Styx consisted of an open square in front of a large system of caves that everyone who arrived there was required to enter.
The first two caves were small and merely used for passing through, but the third one was far larger and had a tall ceiling. An imposing stone well had been put at the center of the cave. The watery contents of the well were reflected on the walls as flickering patterns that almost invoked hypnosis in the people there to be Judged.
Hades sat on an opulent throne overlooking the Well Of Truth and those who were about to drink from it. The God kept a critical eye on the newly dead so he could get a sense of their character before they approached him.
A detachment of black-clad minions handed out wooden bowls to those joining the tail-end of the line. One by one, the newly deceased had to drink from the well's water to strip the last vestiges of their Earth-bound life from their souls. Once the task had been accomplished, Hades passed Judgment on them before they were led to one of two corridors placed in perfect opposition of each other.
Serene notes produced by harps, lyres and flutes wafted out of the corridor on the right. A warm, golden light and a delightful scent of roses emanated from it to reward those who had been fortunate enough to be given an afterlife in the Elysian Fields.
Those less fortunate would be sent to the corridor linked to Tartarus. Nothing but pulsating shades of crimson and scarlet could be seen beyond the opening. Screams of terror filled the air rather than peaceful music, and a suffocating stench of feces, blood, sulfur and rotten cabbage took the place of more favorable fragrances.
"By the Gods," Gabrielle croaked as she took in the sight of the Well of Truth. "That's the one I drank from… I drank from it, Xena! Sweet Aphrodite, has my soul been taken? Or cleansed… stripped… or whatever it is they do here?!" As she spoke, the strength of her grip on Xena's arm increased until her fingers had dug themselves into the warrior's flesh.
Wincing, Xena reached down to pry Gabrielle's surprisingly strong fingers off her arm. "It's hard to say. Can you feel this?" she said, pinching the skin on the back of Gabrielle's hand.
"Owch! Yes! Oh, by the Gods, that's a load off!"
"Drinking from the well will strip away your inhibitions and allow your true personality to shine through. Not that you've ever been inhibited…"
"Oh… ha-ha! Very funny."
Chuckling, Xena reached over to muss Gabrielle's shoulder. "I'm thinking it's only temporary. You'll probably get a headache later on, though. Or a hangover. Don't worry, I have few remedies you could try."
Gabrielle let out a sigh of relief as she looked at the tiny red spot on the back of her hand. It was nothing to write home about, so she quickly offered Xena a grateful smile. "Thank you…"
Hades rose from his throne as Xena and Gabrielle approached him. "Ah, welcome. I'm pleased to learn you changed your mind. Your help has been invaluable-"
"Save the speech for someone who cares, Hades," Xena said in a growl. "When I told you no, I meant it. If Ares hadn't forced my hand, I wouldn't have come."
The God of the Underworld nodded thoughtfully before he sat down once more and slid one leg over the other. "I suppose my nephew is a hands-on kind of God. Truly shocking. Oh, well. You're here. That's all that matters."
As the God spoke, he waved his hand as if he was trying to swat away a gnat. He continued: "But unless you want to do it all over again for the next thousand years, I suggest you and your scrawny companion there begin searching for Charon."
Gabrielle once again clung onto the warrior's arm with all her might, but this time, it was because the comments had irked her rather than experiencing fear of the Well of Truth. She narrowed her eyes down into hazel-green slits as she glared at the throne and the God sitting on it. "Scrawny?! I'm not scrawny! If anything, I'm Peasant Buff, thankyouverymuch!" she said in an annoyed squeak before the sights, sounds and smells of the nearby portal to Tartarus became too much for her sensitive nature to bear.
"A figure of speech, of course," Hades said, waving his hand again.
Xena let out a dark grunt. "Of course. To save some time, you wouldn't happen to know where Charon was last seen, would you?"
"No. But I presume he visited the Third Way at some point-"
"The Third Way?!" Gabrielle cried - now that her enthusiasm had been rekindled, not even the sight of the scary passageway to Tartarus could stop her from moving away from the warrior's protection. She threw her arms in the air and began to pace back and forth by the stone well. "Xena, there's a Third Way! By the Gods, the Elysian Fields, Tartarus and the Third Way! All the history and mythology scrolls need to be rewritten! The Third Way! That's amaz-"
"It's the staff cafeteria," Hades added in an off-hand manner.
"-zing… the whut? The staff cafete- okay. Uh… I see. Never mind." Gabrielle's arms remained aloft for a few seconds longer before they fell down. A long sigh left her as she shuffled back to Xena's protection.
Xena gave Gabrielle a little squeeze to show her support. "And where can we find the fabled staff cafeteria, Hades?"
"There," the God said, once more waving his hand. Instead of swatting away non-existent gnats, the gesture created a portal in the center of the rock face. A fierce wind soon stretched out to grab hold of Xena and Gabrielle - in a flash, they were gone.
-*-*-*-
While the brief, cross-dimensional flight had been uneventful as such, the landing was anything but. Although Xena performed a perfect forward somersault upon touchdown, her nifty manoeuver was undone by a wildly shrieking Gabrielle who had been reduced to a mess of arms, legs, billowing clothes and a shock of red hair.
Catching such an uncontrollable human wrecking ball overpowered even Xena's many skills, so she fell onto her backside with a wiggling bard sprawled across her midsection.
Chuckling, Xena helped Gabrielle sit upright before she jumped back onto her feet. Some of Hades's staffers returning to work after their lunch break had witnessed the little hiccup - the Third Way staff cafeteria was just up the trail - but it seemed it was an everyday occurrence as nobody even batted an eyelid at the sight.
Gabrielle soon swept her reddish curtain of hair aside so she could see what she was doing and explore where they had ended up. Their landing site was a three-foot-wide dirt trail lined by grassy verges. The trail itself was fairly smooth though a few potholes had developed over the course of the millennia. A fifteen-feet-tall, jagged boulder took up a great deal of space immediately to the right of the trail - some kind of greenish-yellow vine grew on the side of the boulder turning it green in places.
Roughly fifty yards further on from their landing spot, a one-story wooden building seemed to play the classic game of Hide & Seek with the huge boulder and the vine as only some parts of the building's front and roof were visible past the big rock.
Gabrielle clambered to her feet, straightened her clothes and brushed off a few clumps of dirt. Looking around, she took in the sights that all seemed quite familiar. "Xena, are you sure we're still in the Underworld? To be perfectly honest… and Mother told me time and time again when I was a little girl that liars would never amount to anything so I learned to speak the truth from a young age though it did get me into trouble on rare occasions… well, okay, a couple of times per week. Or more, depending on Father's mood. But anyway, are you?"
"Am I what, Gabrielle?"
"Sure we're still in the Underworld? It looks awfully like Western Thrace to me. I know Western Thrace pretty well though we live closer to the Eastern Seaboard. Have you ever been to Western Thrace? Of course you have. You've been everywhere."
"Amphipolis is in Western Thrace."
Gabrielle scratched her neck at the news. "Oh… all right. I didn't even know that. Never mind. Is there anywhere you haven't been? Okay, I'm pretty sure you haven't been on the moon, but I digress." Putting her hands on her hips, she fell quiet for a few moments while she took in their surroundings. "I can't shake the feeling there's something funny going on here."
Xena let out a dark grunt before she drew her sword and held her Chakram ready. "Well, I'm not laughing. Come on. We've got a ferryman to find. The sooner we do, the sooner we can return home."
Moving ahead, Gabrielle once more attached herself to Xena's back like the proverbial burr. She and the warrior moved ahead in perfect step until the inevitable happened and she stumbled over the long, clumsy lower hem of her skirt. Letting out an "Ooooooh!" she flailed her arms in the air for several long moments before she regained her balance.
Xena had moved on while the acrobatic feat played out, so Gabrielle needed to up her tempo to catch back up. To make sure it wouldn't happen again, she pulled up in her skirt so her legs and feet were liberated from the heavy, clumsy garment.
---
The Third Way Inn soon came into view. Its exterior wasn't out of the ordinary when it came to roadside inns: it was a flat-roofed, one-story structure. The walls had been white-washed and most of the windows on the front had been boarded up to block out the bright lights that came from an unseen and most likely Godly source. A covered porch ran the length of the building, but the tables and chairs that had been put there were vacant so it didn't seem that sitting in the open had much of a draw on the patrons.
The characteristic sounds found in any tavern - chatting, laughing and clinking tankards - wafted through the many cracks in the wooden front door. This was all old hat to Xena who had spent the first fifteen years of her life helping her mother Cyrene keeping their family-owned establishment going, but still new and exciting to Gabrielle.
Before they went inside, Xena stopped at the threshold and turned around slowly to take in as much of their surroundings as possible. Attacks by opportunist raiders would always be a threat regardless of where the tavern was located, but there didn't appear to be any trouble brewing in their immediate vicinity. To make sure, she performed a second scan with one hand on the sword's hilt and the other near the Chakram.
"Aren't we going inside?" Gabrielle said, already trying to peek through the cracks in the wooden door. "Xena? Oh, of course we are. How can we find Charon if we don't go inside? He might not be here, but it'll still be exciting to see a real tavern. You know, I think I have a special urge to visit taverns because my parents wouldn't allow me to go anywhere near them when I was a young girl. I think they were afraid I'd end up causing trouble or something…"
"Can't imagine why," Xena said before she opened the tavern door and stepped inside. A moment later, Gabrielle hurried in after her.
Though the Third Way Inn was supposed to be the cafeteria frequented by all of Hades's Underworld staffers, the interior was nothing special. The poorly fitting floorboards were covered in sawdust to soak up the inevitable spillages of ale, wine, blood and vomit that were common for all taverns everywhere. Ten or so table arrangements had been lined up in an unruly cluster to the right of the entrance. All tables and chairs were hand-made and thus of wildly varying designs and quality.
At present, only one of the tables was occupied. The two humanoid individuals, whose uniforms proved they were some of Hades's minions, chugged ale from tankards while slurping some kind of broth from soup bowls. A constant soundtrack of belching and farting proved they had a wonderful time.
A long bar counter had been built directly opposite the front door to ease the path to it for those who had already imbibed before entering. A male bar keep of indeterminate age eyed the new guests with little interest. Behind the bored-looking, bare-chested fellow, a bead curtain separated the main room from the kitchen at the back.
The bar room carried a strong concoction of scents created by the food, ale, spirits and wines that were served - not to mention the exhaust gases let out by the two minions. The suffocating environment caused Gabrielle to crinkle her nose and pinch her nostrils all over again.
Odd, little creatures that looked like rats but weren't chirped from all four corners of the bar room. On occasion, one or more of the critters scurried across the floor to visit their relatives in another corner.
"Stay close, Gabrielle," Xena said as she made her way up to the counter.
"Uh-huh! No problem!" Gabrielle squeaked, staring wide-eyed at the sorry state of affairs at the Third Way Inn. "By the Gods, this is a dive… no, it's worse than a dive. It's a dump. No, it's worse than a dump! And the stench…"
Leaning against the counter with her left side so the Chakram could be drawn in a hurry if need be, Xena pinned the curly-haired bar keep to the spot with an icy glare. "We're looking for Charon. We were told he might've been here earlier."
"Yuh, he wus," the bar keep said in a deep, rumbling voice that proved he wasn't quite human. "Not here now, tho'."
"I can see that. Where is he?"
"How should I know? I ain't his ball and chain." As the keep spoke, he moved along the bar holding a pair of empty tankards. Instead of creating the familiar sound of footfalls, his movement created the type of clip-clopping usually made by hoofed animals - the reason for the unexpected sound was revealed a moment later when he came around the corner and into the open area in front of the counter.
"Aw!" Gabrielle cried as she took in the sight - it even made her forget all about the stink. "You're a Satyr! Look, Xena, it's a Satyr! By the Gods, I've never actually met a Satyr in real life… oh, look at the hooves and the goat legs and- and- and the… the… uh, rather… uh, rather large codpiece… and look! He's got horns in his curly hair! Yes, you're a real Satyr, all right!"
"Gabrielle, I'm pretty sure he already knows that."
The bar keep sucked on his coarse lips as he took in the sight of the overly excited junior bard and the far more stoic warrior. Shaking his head, he deposited the tankards on a table by the far wall before he clip-clopped back to the counter. "She don't get out much, huh?"
"No," Xena said, pulling Gabrielle back before she could do anything that would stir up trouble, "she's still new to the world's many wonders. How much time has passed since Charon was here?"
"Ain't easy to say. Time works differently here, warrior," the keep said, shaking his head. "But tell ya whut. Charon's got a favorite spot on the shore of the Laxativanus River-"
"The Laxativanus?!" Gabrielle cried, briefly unplugging her nostrils. "What an unfortunate name for a river…"
"It fits," the bar keep said with a shrug. "Anyway, Charon calls it his grove tho' it only got one tree in it. An old, gnarled, blackened one at that. Ya can find the Laxativanus 'bout five-hundred yards in that direction." - He pointed to his right - "Once ya reach it, Charon's spot is another seven-hundred yards to your left. Can't guarantee he'll be there, tho'."
"Even if he isn't, it's a start. Thank you, keep," Xena said before she put a hand on Gabrielle's elbow to guide her back to the main entrance.
---
Back outside, Xena put her hands on her hips and sent Gabrielle one of those 'You're about to be given a lecture'-looks. "That wasn't nice, Gabrielle. Nobody should be singled out because of what they are."
The smile soon faded from Gabrielle's face. She looked back at the Third Way Inn before she turned to the woman who acted as her mentor for all things Real Life. As a blush spread over her fair features, she looked down upon her feet that began shuffling back and forth in the dirt. "You're right. It was rude of me. I just can't help myself. I'm naturally curious. And when I see something that's new to me, I get a strong urge to talk about it…"
"All day and then some…" Xena said while pulling a knowing grimace. After checking that no threats were around, she put a hand on Gabrielle's shoulder and began walking further along the dirt trail to get to the Laxativanus. "Curiosity is good, Gabrielle. That's a sign of an open mind. Talking about someone as if they're not there is less good. Singling someone out because they're something you're not… well, that's bad."
"I understand. I'll try my best, but I'm sure I'll make the same mistake again," Gabrielle said before falling quiet for a short while. A deep breath proved she had more to say: "It's not that I don't know all these things… of course I do, but… I… well, I just can't remember them when things begin to happen and my enthusiasm goes through the roof. Do you think I should go back and apologize to him?"
"Yes, but we can do that on our way back. Right now, we need to find Charon so we can close this deal and return to our own world."
---
The dirt trail continued to snake its way through a terrain that consisted of gently rolling hills covered by grass. Over the course of the first few hundred yards or so, the edge of a dense forest had crept up to run alongside the trail. The forest had spread to the other side of the trail in certain places, and the crowns of the tall trees occasionally formed leaf-green canopies far above the ground.
Xena's eyes were glued to the pale-gray haze that swirled between the tree trunks. Not only was the mist dense enough to conceal any kind of foe of the two, four or multi-legged variety, it brought a distinct chill with it that she hadn't experienced since her journeys through the Norselands in her younger years. Distant hooting, howling and bleating reached her ears, but no bird or animal ever came into view.
Gabrielle, who gesticulated wildly while letting out a mumbled recital of another of Skolopides's countless plays, suddenly wrapped her arms around herself as the chill became noticeable. "Xena, are we in trouble again? I think we are… why is it so cold all of a sudden? It's not just cold, it's freezing! That can' t be right… and those noises! Is that a goat bleating?Or a ram? Wait, do rams even bleat? Sweet Aphrodite, this is getting a little tedious. Where do you think we are?"
"I think we've found the Forest of Terror, Gabrielle."
"Oh, by the Gods… forget I asked!"
"If we just keep moving, we should be fine."
"I'm moving, I'm moving! By the Gods… there's never a dull moment when we're on the road. No, that's not true. Remember the other week? I could hardly walk because I had that ingrown toenail."
"Gabr-"
"Remember that we had to stay at the firepit the entire day? You lost your patience pretty much at once, but even I was ready for something drastic to happen by the time the sun reached past its zenith. Luckily, something drastic did happen when you cured the-"
"Gabrielle," Xena said, briefly coming to a halt. "I'm trying to listen for any possible attackers. Please. Keep it for later. All right?"
"Oh… I did it again, didn't I? I'll keep quiet. Oh, it's so chilly now. The Forest of Terror… honestly, who thought that was a good idea? Say… can you hear that? That's a babbling stream or something, isn't it? You can't hear it? Well, that's a first…"
When Xena didn't reply, Gabrielle turned to shoot the silent warrior a puzzled look - a moment later, she blushed again and broke out in an embarrassed laugh. She let out a mumbled "Sorry," before she piped down.
Though Xena's attention had been focused on the gray haze and the dense Forest of Terror lining the trail, she had in fact heard babbling water nearby. A glance further up the dirt road proved that it made a sharp left-hand turn 75 yards or so further on from where they had stopped. A final look at the dense forest revealed nothing untoward, so she set off for the sharp bend with the junior bard in tow.
---
"By the Gods! Would you look at that horr-rr-rrible thing!" Gabrielle exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air at the sight of the rapidly flowing Laxativanus that did indeed fit its unfortunate name.
Unlike the rivers back up in the Earthly realm, the Laxativanus was a heaving mass of a sickly-brown slime that appeared to be boiling. The bubbles of air that rose through the viscous substance released clouds of yellow sulfur and bursts of stinking gases when they broke. Now and then, the Laxativanus's slime turned lava-red almost as if someone - or something - poured toxic waste into the river somewhere upstream, but the slime always returned to the original sickly-brown color.
Xena and Gabrielle stood on the edge of a precipice overlooking the river. The fast-moving torrent of slime created swirling eddies that made sure the riverbanks were free of rocks, roots or any other kind of material that would normally protrude into such a stream.
"I've never seen anything like it," Gabrielle continued. "Have you? You know, for once, I don't think you have!"
Xena let out a dark chuckle as she scanned the horizon for the spot the bar keep at the Third Way Inn had referred to as 'Charon's grove though it only has a single, gnarled tree in it.' "True, I haven't. But I'm reminded of the first time I tried to make chicken broth."
"Oh… ewww…" Gabrielle said, performing a little shimmy to get the ickies off her back.
"There!" Xena said, pointing at a spot on the left bank of the grotesque river. It was perhaps just shy of the 700 yards' distance the bar keep had estimated, but the fact it only had a single, blackened and gnarled tree set in a wide stretch of cleared undergrowth hinted at it being the right one.
---
The journey from Xena and Gabrielle's vantage point at the precipice and down to the bank of the disgusting Laxativanus turned out to be longer and more difficult than it had initially appeared: not once but twice were they forced to find alternative routes due to their path being blocked. By the third time such an obstacle - a huge boulder - got in their way, Xena had already lost her patience with the whole thing.
Instead of taking the long way around it, she wrapped her arm around Gabrielle and performed an artistic forward somersault that saw them clear the obstacle in no time. That it made the junior bard tiltingly dizzy was an unfortunate side-effect, but it only took a moment or two for her to recover.
The path to the small grove was finally open for the travellers. It was a huge challenge unto itself to walk next to the appalling river of sickly-brown slime without choking on the stench, but they had a job to do so they pushed their discomforts aside - or in the case of Gabrielle, pinched her nostrils so hard that her poor nose had almost turned white.
Once they crested the final rolling hill and got closer to the grove, Xena was able to spot two humanoid figures resting side by side under the gnarled, blackened tree. It appeared both parties kept an eye on the other as the two figures rose when the travellers approached them.
Xena nodded to herself. Even from a distance, it was obvious that the shorter and wider of the two was the individual they were there for: Charon, the Ferryman. Chances were the willowy, ethereal-appearing figure next to him was Celeste, the new personification of Death after Thanatos's retirement.
Briefly pausing her progress to let Gabrielle walk up next to her, Xena put a hand on the young bard's elbow. "Gabrielle, once we get down there, you must promise me not to get anywhere near Celeste. Just the slightest touch will cause instant death. Do you understand?"
When Gabrielle's muffled, mumbled "Meth!" didn't exactly get the message across, she quickly un-pinched her nose to repeat it: "Yes!" The stench made her cross-eyed almost at once, so the thumb and index finger she used for the task were soon back in action.
Predictably, she couldn't keep quiet for long. As she and Xena resumed walking toward the grove, a long stream of muffled, mumbled words accompanied them. "Aw, the legend of Cele-th'te ith th'o th'ad… th'he wath the Godde'th of the night-time th'ky when Zeuth th'educed her and tricked her into a-th-uming Thanato'th mantle. And th'o th'he went from the mo'th beautiful we know to the mo'th hideou'th."
Xena nodded twice and then shook her head once. "Personally, I prefer salted flatbread. Mother is an expert in making them. All right, don't forget what I told you."
"Uh… whut? Th'ure, th'ure. I'm not th-tupid."
When the travellers were within earshot of the grove, the eternal Ferryman waved at them. "Why, if it ain't! Hullo, Xena. Been a while. 'S funny, you don't smell dead. Don't tell me Hades made you come look for me?" he said in his customary gravelly voice.
An ageless denizen of the Underworld, Charon was a mere five-feet-and-change tall, but he had plenty of upper-body strength after pushing his boat around the Acheron and latterly the Styx for millennia. He wore boots, straight-legged pants, a thick coat that he had wrapped around his body, and finally a shapeless hat - all in different shades of deep purple.
His pasty hue, oddly-shaped features, purple eyes and blackish mouth all proved he was neither human nor among the Pantheon of physically perfect Greek Gods. A whiff of death and decay hung about his clothes and body, but the vile stench emanating from the Laxativanus river overpowered it.
"Hullo, Charon. First Hades and then Ares, in fact," Xena said, stopping at a safe distance from the Ferryman and his willowy companion who did indeed turn out to be Celeste.
"Haw! Ain't that typical! Now an honest, hard-workin' guy can't even leave his post for two measly seconds without the top brass gettin' their undies in a wad. They take me for granted, you know. Dunno what I can do about it, but it does stink pretty bad from where I'm sittin'… and it ain't 'cos someone filled their britches."
Gabrielle kept a firm grip on Xena's arm as she took in the sight of the Ferryman and his wispy companion. Celeste was a tall, slender brunette whose perfect features carried a look of extraordinary sadness. She wore a simple white robe that reached so far down it fully concealed her feet - it was possible she didn't even have any as she seemed to float.
Her legendary candle had been put under the gnarled tree where she and Charon had sat earlier. The fact she didn't hold it meant that the concept of Death had been removed from the mortal realm, at least on a temporary basis.
"Hello," Gabrielle said in a squeak. "I'm-"
'Gabrielle of Potaideia. I know,' Celeste replied in an ethereal voice that seemed to be carried by the wind. The fact that her lips didn't move when she spoke added an uncanny element to the scene. 'You're on my list. Actually… oh, there must be some kind of clerical error. Your name appears on several lists.'
"Ewwww!" Gabrielle cried, shimmying hard to rid herself of the invading goose bumps. "Does that mean I'll die several times?! By the Gods!"
'I can't say. I've never seen that before.'
"Oh… is that good or bad? Knowing my luck, it's probably bad." Gabrielle started chewing on her fingernails. She had already made it all the way across the fingers on her right hand when she tugged on Xena's arm. "Xena, did you hear that? Of course you did, you hear everything. Do you think that's good or bad?"
"I can't say. Just take it one death at a time and it'll be manageable."
"Yeah, and… oh… oh, that's very funny, Xena. Verrrry funny!"
Charon grinned at the exchange between the mortals. "Just remember a couple of coins for ol' Charon when you do go belly-up. I'm pretty decent at ferryin' dead folks across the Styx, so I deserve some tips, yeah?"
"O- okay… I'll… I'll make a note of that," Gabrielle said, nodding furiously.
"Good. Now… wouldya mind lookin' away while I slap my honey-bunny some sugar? I suppose we need to get back to work, but I'll be damned if I have to do it without some sweet lovin' first."
Chuckling, Xena put her hands on Gabrielle's shoulders to turn her around. "I hear you. Come on, Gabrielle. We've done what we came for."
To allow the Ferryman and Celeste a little privacy, Xena and Gabrielle walked away from the pleasant, little grove and the horrible Laxativanus river just beyond it.
"Ugh… my name shows up on several of Celeste's lists. Ugh!" Gabrielle said after a short while. "I don't think I'll be writing this adventure down. Or… perhaps I should? What do you think, Xena? Will anyone ever believe a word of it?"
"Well-"
"Or maybe that's not even necessary… on second thoughts, it could be my first attempt at that fiction thing. I mean, if Skolopides and Pollonius and- and- and- whatshisname… the comedy playwright?"
"You're asking me?"
Gabrielle stuck out her tongue at her friend. "Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, if the comedy guy can do it, well, perhaps I can too. Yes, that would be fun, actually. Maybe something good could come-"
From one moment to the next, a bright, pale-blue flash fully engulfed Xena and Gabrielle. As they were whisked away, a cry echoed across the riverbank: "Ohhhhhh! By the-"
---
"-Gods! Oooofff!"
Caught mid-step as the Underworld changed around them, the cry had barely left Gabrielle's lips before she flailed her arms in surprise. Her balance had been grossly upset by the sudden change of scenery, so she was forced to take a pair of fumbling steps forward to remain upright. She eventually bumped into someone wearing a soldier's tunic.
While Gabrielle thanked her involuntary bard-stopper, Xena drew her sword and Chakram to strike a threatening pose. She glared at everything and everyone present at their new surroundings to show that nobody should make any sudden moves. A grunt escaped her when she realized they were back on the sandy shore of the river Styx near the entry point to the Underworld.
The staging area had filled up with the newly dead to the point of being congested, and more came with each passing moment - it was all a tell-tale sign of Celeste returning to work. The rhythmic creaking of woodwork somewhere out on the river was proof that Charon was already busy as well.
"Xena," Gabrielle said, straightening her cumbersome outfit, "how on Earth can Charon and Celeste have returned to their duties so soon? We just left them! And then we were sent here by… by… by someone."
Xena established that their surroundings had been well and truly glared at, so she moved out of her threatening pose and hooked the Chakram onto her belt. She held the sword ready for another short while before it was inserted into the sheath on her hip. "Like the bar keep said, time works differently down here."
"Oh!" Gabrielle cried, slapping her forehead. "The Satyr bar keep… oh, how annoying! I didn't get to apologize to him!"
"We can do that next time we're here."
Gabrielle didn't know whether to cheer, weep or boo at the comment, so she ended up doing nothing at all - save for putting her hands on her hips and assuming a perfectly scandalized expression.
A crackling of ozone right next to them proved to be Hades making a rare appearance on that side of the Styx. The God of the Underworld glanced at the newly dead before he shrugged and moved over to Xena and Gabrielle. "I'd like to thank you both for finding Charon. I understand his point of wishing to be alone with his love, but… well, I would have preferred that he had asked for a day off instead of simply leaving like that."
"On that note, how is Persephone these days?" Xena said.
"Oh, she's just fine. She's with her mother. It won't be long before she moves back in. I've just had her chamber redecorated," Hades said with a smile that transformed the brooding God's features.
Gabrielle let out a dark grunt that was at odds with the God's smile. "And then Demeter dumps enough snow on the rest of us to last a lifetime. Each and every winter. It never fails. Frostbite in my toes and wet snow that goes everywhere and constant bad hair days and- and- and- until she gets her daughter back and spring finally arrives."
"And then I'm miserable for the next six moons, young mortal," Hades said in a stern voice.
"Well, I suppose…"
Xena let out a sigh at the verbal sparring. Stepping in before it could get any worse to listen to, she took hold of Gabrielle's arm and held her tight. "We've fulfilled our part of the job, Hades. It's high time to send us back."
"Very well," Hades said, waving his hand - once more, Xena and Gabrielle were engulfed in a pale-blue flash.
---
A cry of "Oh, by the Gods! I wish they wouldn't do that!" was soon heard from Gabrielle's bedroll where a mess of arms, legs, billowing garments and long, reddish hair once more needed to be untangled. Little by little, the mess was reassembled into something akin to a human being.
The last hurdle proved to be the toughest challenge yet as her long, cumbersome skirt had folded itself upward - not once, but twice - where it had become firmly stuck around her head. When she finally managed to sit up, she had morphed into the strangest of beings: one that had two legs, two arms and a shock of red hair, but no visible head the hair could grow on.
She tried to yank the skirt down with little success. "Ah… Xena? Xena, I need some help here. Xena, are you there? Ohhhh, that's just typical. Now I'm stuck here for all eternity and I'm really hungry and I can smell my awesome rabbit stew simmering in the pot which only makes me hungrier! Xena?!"
"Right here, Gabrielle," Xena said, hooking the Chakram onto her belt after checking out their immediate surroundings. "Sit tight. That means no wiggling!"
The rebellious skirt was exposed to several fair-sized yanks before it gave up the unequal struggle with gravity and the Warrior Princess. Soon, it had been folded back down to cover Gabrielle's legs like it was supposed to. "Ugh… I need a shorter skirt," she mumbled as she glared at the offending piece of clothing.
"I'd love to help you sew it," Xena said with a smile. "We'll reach Apollonia late tomorrow afternoon, but considering how large the poetry festival is, I don't think their marketplace will be open for travelling merchants."
"Oh…"
"No, but we're not too far from Iolcus. If we start out early tomorrow morning, we can make it there without any problems. I know for a fact they have a marketplace. We could buy some fabric and maybe dye it if you don't like the colors the merchants are selling. And I could apply a small embroidery to make it unique."
"Oh, I'd love that! Yes… I'd really love that," Gabrielle said with a wide smile that was responded to in kind.
Everything at the night camp seemed to be in fine fettle. Argo continued to munch on some grass and other greenery over by the trees, the fire in the pit continued to lick the underside of the pot, and the rabbit stew itself sent out such a warm, delicious fragrance that it made Gabrielle's stomach growl.
Grinning, Gabrielle reached out to swat at Xena's arm. "But that's for tomorrow. Right now, it's supper time." The bowl that had flown from her grasp when Ares had shown up earlier was soon located. After a quick wipedown, she used the ladle to fill it to the rim.
"Say, is there some left for me?" Xena said, holding her empty bowl ready while craning her neck to look into the pot.
"Sure! Here, you can have the one I just filled."
After the bowls had changed hands, Gabrielle used the ladle to once more scoop up a healthy portion of the stew for herself. As she sat down on her bedroll and folded her legs up underneath her, she stole a quick glance at Xena. Her eyes remained on the warrior for several long seconds before she broke out in a shy smile and concentrated on her food.
"I think this is your best stew yet, Gabrielle," Xena said around a large spoonful. "I'm not the only one who has many skills."
A blush exploded onto Gabrielle's cheeks. Ducking her head, she let out a faint "Thank you."
The bowl of stew was unable to put up much of a fight against Gabrielle's hunger, so it was quickly emptied. Though the flickering fire cast an orange glow over everything down on the ground, the faint light of the myriad of stars high above could easily be seen. Suddenly inspired, Gabrielle swapped the empty bowl for a new scroll, her quill and the inkwell.
After dunking the writing utensil into the black liquid, she set off jotting down all the day's incredible events while they were still fresh in her mind. The title was soon written as: 'The day we met Charon and Celeste.'
Over at the other side of the firepit, Xena stopped eating to observe the young bard closely. A shy smile eventually spread over her features at the sight - it remained there for several heartbeats before the delightful scent of the rabbit stew convinced her to get some while it was hot…
*
*
THE END