"Yikes, this is bad… this is really bad," Regina mumbled as she stared out of the Pacer's windshield at what had to be eight-hundred bright-red brake lights ahead of them. A quick check of her smartphone proved that time was running out; a sideways glance at the eerily silent Stella seemed to confirm it.

Traffic was intense everywhere around them. Tens of thousands of bikes, cars, motorcycles, vans, buses and trucks large and small filled every lane of every street in every neighborhood they had trickled past.

As was so often the case whenever a jam developed, an apparent cause for the blockage was nowhere in sight. Short-tempered drivers were honking left, right, behind and ahead of the chocolate-brown Pacer, and a few had even stepped out onto the street to get a better view of what was going on somewhere far, far ahead of them.

The first part of their drive to the church had been fine with little traffic and few dramas. As a result, Stella had been cautiously optimistic. The second part, after turning onto one of the main boulevards, had been less so. As a result, Stella had grown concerned, though not overly so - yet. The third part, after entering downtown, had been their undoing. As a result, Stella had fallen silent which was always a bad sign.

Like Caitlin's gold Volkswagen Beetle, the chocolate-brown AMC Pacer had been decorated with long strips of white lace across the hood and on the radio antenna. Stella had even removed the furry dice from the stem of the rear-view mirror to make room for a little more lace, but the romantic gesture hadn't seemed to appease Aphrodite or provide them with better luck - they were stuck in the traffic jam from hell no matter how much lace was on the car.

Stella Starr was calm. Too calm. Dangerously calm. Ordinarily, she would be bouncing against the ceiling in such a situation, but she was sitting quietly behind the steering wheel while keeping a safe two-handed grip on the brown sock. She didn't even honk which was most unlike her.

Regina gulped down a nervous lump. The smartphone read eleven forty-two, AM. Eighteen minutes to go, and they were nowhere near the Church Of The Blessed Heart. Even if they sprouted wings and managed to get there in time, they needed to find somewhere to park, get inside, find the proper row, be introduced to the members of the two families and a hundred other things she couldn't even begin to contemplate.

Another sideways glance at Stella proved that something was seriously wrong with the fiery investigator - she sat stock-still like everything was hunky-dory and smelling of roses in their world. Regina took several deep breaths to quell the rising tide of panic that bubbled up inside her. A small bead of nervous perspiration escaped her hairline, but she managed to stop it in time before it could make a mess of her bronze foundation.

Then everything happened at once. A gap presented itself in the lane next to the Pacer after a large delivery van had made a U-turn - the driver had no doubt grown tired of waiting for the traffic knot to be unraveled. "Is your seat belt locked down tight, Fred?" Stella suddenly said without taking her eyes off the gap.

"Uh… who's Fred?"

Four tenths of a second later, Stella spun the steering wheel left and mashed her patent-leather shoe hard down onto the gas pedal. Before the ground-up restoration, the Old Girl would have fallen apart at its rusty pinch-welds from such harsh treatment, but the pristine vehicle it had become took it all in its stride.

"What in the wooooooooooooooooooooooorld?!" Regina howled; the simple statement turned into an inarticulate shriek as the Pacer's new RoarMaster muffler sent out a throaty, powerful growl akin to a wild animal that had finally been released from its cage. The vintage car swerved through the dog-slow lanes until it found itself in the clear - then Stella really put the pedal to the metal which made the chocolate-brown wonder kick up a cloud of dust and take off toward the Church Of The Blessed Heart at a high rate of knots.

A steely glare locked onto the street ahead filled Stella's eyes; her jaw was set in a determined grimace. It was clear she was in The Zone. Which particular zone she had entered was another story entirely - from the looks of it, it just might have been the Twilight Zone.

Moving parallel to the clogged-up lanes, they raced along at nearly sixty miles per hour until they reached the cause for the jam: a three-car fender-bender that blocked three of the four lanes.

A police officer from the traffic department had parked his service motorcycle immediately in front of the crashed vehicles, but he was so focused on breathalyzing one of the drivers involved in the accident that he only caught wind of the racing Pacer when a chocolate-brown something-or-other flew past him at high speed.

Stella didn't slow down for the next several hundred yards, not even when she made a screeching right-hand turn onto a side street that was mercifully free of traffic. Once they were pointed straight again, she seemed to fall out of her road warrior haze: she eased off the throttle until the Pacer trickled along at her preferred speed of twenty-five miles per hour.

Regina just stared and stared and stared and stared at the mop-topped woman behind the fluffy wheel sock who may have looked like Stella Starr, but who behaved nothing like her. "Holy spark plug cable, Stell," she eventually said in a croak. "Who possessed you?  Penelope frickin' Pitstop?  And who is Fred?"

"Fred?  Wotcha talking about, Reggie?" Stella said while she looked around like she couldn't quite understand how they had reached that particular part of Bay City. She briefly furrowed her brow as she looked into the side and then rear-view mirrors. Eventually, she broke out in a shrug - she knew from experience that some things just shouldn't be questioned.

"You called me Fred just before you… you… never mind."

Stella took her eyes off the street to shoot her companion a puzzled, though not entirely unsympathetic, glance. "You need to drink something, Reggie. You're kinda incoherent. Must be the stress," she said before she wiped her nose on the back of her hand. She checked all the mirrors once more and was pleased to find a distinct lack of traffic around them. "Anyway. What's the time?"

"Tight and getting tighter. Eleven forty-six. Fourteen minutes to go."

"More than enough. Look, the church is right over there," Stella said and pointed through the windshield at the characteristic pair of tall steeples that framed the main entrance.

"Well, yes… but we're here, not over there," Regina said as she made sure her seat belt continued to be safely locked just in case another spirit possessed Stella's foot on the gas pedal.

"Very true… good thing I know a shortcut," Stella said and spun the steering wheel left to aim for the mouth of an alley. A small application of throttle and brake later, the Pacer came to a rocking, dust-flying halt at the rear entrance of the Church Of The Blessed Heart.

"This is nuts!  I'm outta here!" Regina said as she unbuckled and hurried out of the Pacer before she needed to call the Ghostbusters. All the vehicular excitement had caused her mermaid hair to need a quick touch-up, so she took care of business with a small brush, a larger comb and a pocket mirror that she had safely to hand in a color-coded clutch. Since she had the mirror ready, she took her lipstick and added a little shine to her artwork so her lips would glisten.

While the careful beautification process was carried out, Stella dove into the Pacer's trunk to ready the magnum-sized bag of confetti they had brought along. Proper confetti was far too expensive to buy, so she had been saving scrap paper for two months. After running it through their office shredder three times and punching what had to be seventeen-thousand holes in it, it was ready to be thrown over the newly-weds when they stepped out onto the majestic staircase in front of the church. Although the bag weighed next to nothing, it was far too large and unwieldy to bring inside the hallowed halls, so Stella settled for making sure she could grab it in oh-point-nothing flat when the time came.

"We're done here!  Let's go!" she said as she closed and locked the hatch. When Regina was too busy tending to her hair, her lips, her blush and her tastefully smokey eyelids to react, Stella just grabbed the tall model by the hand and hustled her around the corner of the church so they could get to the main entrance where all the action would undoubtedly be.

---

The current Church Of The Blessed Heart had been built in the late 1800s at the site of an earlier, far smaller church that had been there since the earliest Western settlers had founded the city by the silvery bay.

Nearly the size of a cathedral, the imposing, dark-gray Gothic church with the world-famous twin steeples had been one of the few downtown structures that had survived the major earthquake of 1909. The colorful leaded windows were considered some of the finest in the entire country, and they had been among the first ecclesiastical items to be included in the Heritage Preservation Bill that ensured financial support from the state government.

At present, the paved semi-open square below the majestic stone staircase in front of the church was a heaving mass of activity. Taxi cabs from most of Bay City's cab companies arrived in droves to drop off excited wedding guests while several private and professional photographers mingled with the well-dressed crowd to snap countless pictures. Since it wasn't a shotgun wedding, the families of the brides-to-be were friendly toward each other, and the mood was already sky-high.

Stella and Regina came hustling around the corner of the large building to head onto the church square. Stella only slowed down momentarily at the sight of the large crowd, but she soon took off again with a grumbling Regina in tow.

"Stell, will you slow down?  This is upsetting my hair!" Regina said in between huffing and puffing from all the frantic jogging.

"No time for slowing down!  You can fix your wig when we're sitting on the pew!"

"Oh, you better believe I will!  Oooooh!" Regina cried when the pace suddenly picked up even further.

From one moment to the next, Stella's patent-leather shoes were given a strong brake-test when she came to a screeching halt next to an exquisitely-dressed - and certainly matronly - Hispanic woman in her late sixties. "Mama Rosário!" she cried and stretched her arms out wide.

Rosário Cruz recognized her daughter's best friend at once and let out a cry that was no quieter than the one Stella had just released. "Stella!  Ohhhhhh, it's so good to see you!  Can you believe my little girl's getting married?" she said before she pulled the investigator into a smothering, squishing, squashing, clothes-rumpling, hair-messing - not that anyone could tell - hug-n-squeeze of mammoth proportions.

"Uffffff!  Mmmhpphymon mlewerthiyow muphtawisha!" Stella said with her face mashed up into the side of Rosário's fleshy neck and highly lacquered locks. "Frankly, no!  It's so wonn-nn-derful!" she repeated when she was allowed to pull back.

Though the hug had been eased, Rosário Cruz kept a firm grip on Stella's white smoking jacket while she took in the surprisingly fashionable clothing. When their eyes reconnected, a somber look fell over her face, and she turned distant for a moment. "I wish Alfredo could have been here to see it. He would have loved Alejandra and her family. He's in a better place now, but I know he'll be keeping track of what's going on today."

"Yeah, I know…" Stella said with a lump in her throat. It was one of her life's biggest regrets that she had lost contact with Laura Cruz for several decades. During the time apart, Laura's father - a police officer with the Bay City Police Department; hence Laura's nickname 'Law' - had contracted cancer and had eventually passed away.

"I'm afraid my old knees are too poor to walk my little girl up the aisle, but Vicente will lead her to the altar. He's home on leave. You remember my son Vicente, don't you?"

"Oh, sure, sure!"

"Yes, that's going to be a glorious sight to see," Rosário continued before she cast a puzzled glance at the tall, elegant Regina like she recognized her from somewhere. "Speaking of which… have we met before, Miss?  I seem to know your face, but…"

"I'm Regina Harrison. Hello, Mrs. Cruz," Regina said and put her out hand for the traditional greeting. "I'm a model so you've probably seen me in print and TV ads. I do quite a lot of work for well-known companies like-"

The conversation was rudely interrupted by the thing they were all there for - the first chimes of the bronze bells high atop the bell tower signaling the start of the official business. Stella went into action at once. "That's nice, Reggie, but we don't have time for ego-stroking right now."

"I beg your par-"

"Mama Rosário," Stella continued as she turned back to Laura Cruz' mother, "we have so much to talk about!  I promise we'll get together and yap 'til our teeth fall out at the bash, but right now, I'm afraid we need to get our butts in the pews or else we'll end up in serious trouble!"

Rosário Cruz laughed at the familiar high-speed stream of words that spewed out of her daughter's friend - she had heard it all a hundred times before ever since Stella and Laura had been a pair of tender nine-year-olds. "All right, dear Stella!  I'm holding you to it."

"And I'll deliver," Stella said with a grin before she grabbed Regina's hand and once again hustled at high speed to beat the wedding crowd to the main entrance.

---

After Stella and Regina had been given a red carnation for their lapels at the entrance, they walked along the aisle to get to their allocated spot on the rock-hard pews. The proper row was eventually found and occupied. They had it to themselves at first, but they were soon joined by a few distant members of the Cruz family that Stella had yet to meet; formal introductions followed in her typical style.

While Stella shuffled around in the hope of finding a spot that wouldn't turn her rearward-facing cheeks numb within five minutes, she craned her neck to take in everything she could of the activity inside the large church.

The interior of the Church Of The Blessed Heart was as impressive as the exterior. The main hall was 230 feet in length from the main entrance to the altar, and the widest point was nearly seventy-five feet across. The impossibly tall ceiling was supported by row after row of Gothic arches that held up the bell tower and the second steeple. Murals that showed familiar scenes and characters from the Bible graced large parts of the ceiling between the arches and down onto the lower parts of the walls between the sixteen leaded windows. Because of the way the traditional pulpit had been built, the right-hand side of the church only had seven windows as opposed to the nine on the left-hand side.

Stella kept up the shuffling for half a minute or so until it proved a waste of time - the pew was just as hard everywhere she tried. Instead of trying to accommodate her rear, she went up top and began to fidget with the jacket's high collar, the cuffs of the black tunic, the razor-sharp creases on the slacks, and then back to the smoking jacket's collar.

"Stell, will you relax?  You look wonderful," Regina said out of the corner of her mouth.

"But that riffer-raffin' collar is too far up and the clip-cloppin' cuffs tickle and-and-and… okay. I'll relax. Ohhhhh, I hope I won't start wailing when I see Laura and her brother come in…" Stella said as she began to wring her hands rather than wrestle with the collar or the cuffs.

"So do I," Regina mumbled, thinking back to several embarrassing situations in front of the TV set where Stella's unbridled wailing - simply from watching a fictitious wedding in a movie - had nearly ruptured her eardrums. How the fiery woman would react when faced with the real thing was anyone's guess.

"It's just that I get sooooooo emotional whenever I see a bride being escorted up the aisle 'cos when I was a little girl," - Deep breath - "allllllll I wanted was for my father to finally do something fun and positive for me or just be friendly toward me and that should be leading me up the aisle like alllllll the young women in the romance books I secretly read back then-" - Deep breath - "and I had to read them with a flashlight under the covers at night 'cos my father hated those kinds of books and he told me I could not be allowed to read them 'cos then I'd end up a romantic fool like Mom which made me cry myself asleep each night and-and-and-and-" - Deep, deep breath - "when I grew up and discovered who I really was, I wanted to be a bride with another bride but that only got my father even more annoyed with me and I hated him for it but then we drifted apart anyway and I ended up crying my eyes out whenever I see a wedding 'cos I remember alllllll those unfulfilled hopes and dreams I had back when I was a little girl. Is that so wrong of me, Reggie?"

A seventy-cricket-strong choir of Gregorian Cricket-Munks hummed one of their famed works at the top of their cricket-lungs; Regina just stared and stared and stared and stared at the mop-topped investigator next to her. She was still trying to parse the lengthy stream of words when Stella carried on in her own inimitable style:

"I'm thirsty," she suddenly said like she hadn't just spewed out an entire phonebook's worth of her innermost feelings. "Really thirsty. Reall-ll-lly thirsty. So thirsty I could drink cold coffee kinda thirsty!"

"Stell-"

"Holy can-of-anchovies-in-tomato-sauce, I need something to drink," Stella continued as she shot to her feet. She stumbled, fumbled and bumbled to get past Regina's knees and mile-long legs that were in her way, but she was soon back in the central aisle. Everybody stared at her; she was so used to that it hardly registered. "I think I saw a Slurrpy vendor outside… you want a Slurrpy, Reggie?"

"There's very, very little time left, Stell!"

"I'll do it like a greased lightning and a thunderclap… flash!  Boom!  Bam!  Thank you Ma'am!" - Snicker!  Snicker!  Snicker-snicker!  Snicker! "…So you don't want a Slurrpy?"

"No, thank you," Regina said and let out a long sigh.

"Okie-dokie!  Be right back!" Stella said and zipped away from the pews.

Regina could only hold the puzzled expressions of the many faces that looked back at her from the other rows for a short while; then she turned her entire attention to something very, very fascinating down on the floor.

---

True to word, Stella was back like greased lightning holding a red can. After she had stumbled, fumbled and bumbled to get past Regina's legs all over again, she sat down on the pew and took a long swig of the cola. She was about to whisper something to Regina when an all too familiar, and most unwelcome, sensation originated near her diaphragm and soon began to balloon upward. She managed to keep it down, but it unsettled her and made her shuffle around a bit more.

Two seconds later, she needed to slam her jaws shut to stop the bodily function from bursting through. It dawned on her that something was wrong, so she turned the can around in her fingers to see what could have caused all the unpleasantness. "Ohhh, no… what have I done?  How did that happen… and why did it happen now?!" she said in a croaking half-whisper after she had clapped eyes on the colorful logo painted onto the can.

"Would it be possible for you to pipe down just a little, Stell?" Regina whispered back. "The whole thing is about to start… and everybody's staring-"

"We're in trouble, Reggie… bad, bad trouble. Really bad trouble. Look."

A lengthy sigh escaped Regina's mouth as she glanced to her left. The lengthy sigh was followed by a lengthy groan and a lengthy, slow shaking of the head. "A Frizzie's, Stell?  Why did you buy a Frizzie's?  Of all the soft drinks you could have bought right now, you got a can of burping water?!"

"I thought it was a Slurrpy!  It was a Slurrpy vendor!  Ooooooh, I'm gonna sue him for… for… for…" - the bodily function that had been knocking on the proverbial door for a while could no longer be contained: Stella burped. She managed to catch the li'l bugger in the palm of her hand, but the bubbling sensation inside her proved that the first one wouldn't be the last.

Regina sighed for the umpteenth time while her eyes slowly rolled skyward seeking a little divine intervention. None came, so it seemed she and the living burping machine were on their own for the time being - exactly as she had feared. "How much did you have of it?" she whispered.

"Nearly all of it!  I told you I was blip-bloppin' thirsty!" Stella whispered back, shaking the can that only had a few drops left in it.

"Oh. Great. Wonderful. I can see the headlines already."

Stella didn't have enough mental or physical strength to respond to the somewhat sarcastic statement - at least not in a way deemed socially acceptable. Down below, the largest, strongest, flat-out meanest Frizzie's belch in the history of Frizzie's belches had been formed and was making good headway up her gullet.

Her eyes bulged out on stalks as she tried to hold her breath to keep it all buried deep down inside, but not only was it the wrong pipe, she was fighting an uphill battle, playing a losing game, stuck fast in swampy ground, heading for disaster, dancing with the devil, wrestling with a polecat and half a dozen similar clichés all at the same time.

Getting up in a hurry, she stumbled, fumbled and bumbled past Regina's knees and legs to get into the aisle; it was merely the first waypoint of her frantic escape as she sprinted down toward the main entrance to hopefully release the Mother Of All Belches outside so she wouldn't trigger the fire alarm.

Regina just buried her face in her hands and let out a tormented groan.

Not thirty seconds later, a resounding explosion was heard from somewhere outside. The priceless, historical leaded windows rattled and shook like they were ready to give up the Holy Ghost, a few chips of paint from the old murals fluttered down to the ground, and plenty of dust trickled down from the ceiling's Gothic arches far above the wedding guests. The latter caused several angry outbursts from ladies who had chosen to go sans headwear and from gentlemen whose jackets had suddenly turned dust-gray at the shoulders, but there was little anyone could do about it at that point in time.

As the hidden organist really went to work playing a rousing prelude on the full-sized, ninety-five-pipe organ, Stella Starr came storming back inside with her hair and arms flailing all over the place. "Made it!  Made it!  Ha-haaaaah, I made it!" she said as she fumbled and bumbled to get past Regina's knees and long legs.

Just in time too: not ten seconds later, the main entrance was reopened to reveal Laura Cruz escorted by her brother, a decorated lieutenant colonel from the US Marine Corps. The powerfully-built, beamingly-proud Vicente Cruz wore a particularly impressive dark-blue ceremonial uniform that created a stark contrast to his sister's traditional Hispanic wedding outfit. The bride looked sensational in her all-white gown that was equipped with a lacy veil and a thirty-foot long silk train.

Stella tried to hold herself together, she really did. But no more than four-point-six seconds beyond the arrival of her oldest and 'bestest' friend, her chin began to quiver. Then her eyes misted over. Then she needed to sniffle hard. Then she needed to sniffle even harder.

And then she gave up all pretenses of trying to act cool, calm and collected. Her floodgates burst all along the front which made her break out into such a long, howling wail that several children among the wedding guests dove for cover. The powerful assault of weeping-sniffling-sobbing-and-wailing bowled her over in an instant and only led to an even louder second wave of attack; the sequel to the blockbuster instantly turned so hard and incessant she could be heard by everyone on every row. If there was a single ray of gold in the mess of wailing, it was that she didn't belch.

Regina sighed. Then she sighed again. Then she reached into her pocket to find a handkerchief that she proceeded to stuff in Stella's face in the hope it would stifle the wailing. It did, but only until the weeping lady used it to blow the trumpet - an action that was no less loud than the wailing had been.

Laura and her brother had only made it ten steps into the church to the accompaniment of the rousing organ and the hard-wailing wedding guest. As the unbridled weeping grew so loud it turned a little embarrassing, the bride began looking around for the wail-ee; she soon spotted her old friend. A pair of quick waves were exchanged that only made Stella wail even harder.

Carrying on toward the altar, Laura leaned in toward her brother to whisper a few words about the identity of the weeping lady. The highly decorated Marine Corps officer just had enough time to cast a puzzled glance in Stella's direction before they had moved past the row.

Regina sighed all over again. "I knew I shoulda brought some earplugs… it's gonna be a long, long, long ceremony…" she mumbled in a voice weighed down by a heavy burden of resignation.

*

*

CHAPTER 4

The traditional, vivacious and certainly loud tune chimed by the bronze bells high atop the church tower proved that everything that needed to be said and done at the ceremony had been. The Pastor's lengthy sermon-like soliloquy had been completed, and all the traditional utterances like 'to love and protect', 'in sickness and in health,' 'speak now or forever hold your tongue,' and the closing 'I do' and 'the brides may kiss' had come at the appropriate spots in the narrative.

Stella had caused an embarrassing scene - and almost a crisis - when she had interrupted the ceremony by bursting out in a dragon-like wail at the 'speak now' part; the Pastor had become severely befuddled as he had honestly believed that someone was actually objecting to the marriage.

All that remained was for the newly-weds to appear at the top of the majestic stone staircase where they would be greeted by their friends and families in time-honored fashion; then the professional photographer would take care of her side of the business. Laura and Alejandra waited inside the porch for a moment or two longer to give everyone a chance to line up and have their cameras and smartphones ready to capture what would hopefully be a magical event.

The staircase was awash with people buzzing with barely contained excitement. Both families involved were large so scores of well-dressed wedding guests were eager to see the brides appear at the main entrance.

Little children tore back and forth in clear bouts of impatience while their parents tried to shush them or at the very least keep them out of the roughest games so their mini-tuxedos and scaled-down dresses wouldn't be damaged while playing. The teenagers among the guests seemed to find their smartphones more interesting than whatever else was going on, but they looked up now and then to show they were still there physically, if not mentally.

The eldest members of each family sat in their wheelchairs or leaned against canes or walking frames while speaking to each other in voices that were strong and proud. Family weddings in earlier, simpler times were recalled and spoken of in revered tones before the topic inevitably turned to how much things had changed over the decades.

Everyone's eyes were directed at the wooden double-doors so they wouldn't miss a thing when the brides would finally step forward. When the doors did in fact open, it was only to let one of the vergers out. All the guests released a simultaneous moan of disappointment much to the poor woman's acute discomfort.

Regina used the respite to mingle and congratulate the parents of the other bride, Alejandra Gutiérrez. She had yet to meet them so she introduced herself and was rewarded with a selfie-request from Alejandra's pregnant younger sister who recognized Regina from a magazine she had just read. A few tips on hair styles during the pregnancy and high-fashion maternity wear for afterwards were given free of charge.

While all those happy events were going on at the staircase, Stella raced around the corner of the church to get to the Pacer. For a multitude of reasons, she had a hard time seeing where she put her patent-leather shoes but she kept going at full speed regardless out of fear she'd miss the appearance of the striking newly-weds. After all, it wasn't something she could ask for to be repeated just because she hadn't been there.

Not only had her glasses completely misted over, her head was on the brink of exploding after the lack of sleep, the stressful morning and the rollercoaster ride her emotions had been put through. The non-stop wailing had perhaps been the worst part: her throat was raw and she had blown the trumpet sixteen times during the ceremony. All that nose-music had been both atonal and disharmonic to the Nth degree, and it had left her nostrils sore and redder than a baboon's behind.

She eventually came to a skidding halt at the Pacer's trunk without stumbling over anything even once. It was a fact she was rather proud of in her present state of cranial dissolution, but Nemesis got one up on Stella when she wasn't paying attention as the rear hatch gave her knuckles a good whack when she opened it. At any other time in her life, she would have spent the next ten minutes hopping around while screaming and cursing, but she didn't even have ten seconds for such a response - in short, it was yet another thing she had to save for a rainy day.

Instead, she grabbed the magnum-sized bag of confetti, closed and locked the hatch and took off at high speed to return to the semi-open square in front of the church.

---

Back at the foot of the majestic staircase, she came to another screeching halt not too far from Regina who was still trading fashion tips with the Gutiérrez family - in the meantime, the Professor of All Things High Fashion had moved on to speak with Alejandra's mother who seemed to lap up the message on how women over a 'certain age' needed to accentuate what they had instead of dressing like they weren't even there. Stella had no time for that, either, but tore open the bag at once and got ready to dig her arm into the reams of waste paper.

Her return to the square hadn't come a moment too soon. Almost before she had finished preparing the magnum bag, the double-doors were opened and Alejandra and Laura came into view holding gorgeous bridal bouquets. With clear pride and a pair of identical beaming grins gracing their faces, they began waving to their friends and families who had assembled below.

The happy outburst from the excited wedding guests was massive and sudden, and it nearly made Stella drop the entire bag of home-made confetti onto the lower step of the majestic staircase. Since it contained light-weight paper scraps and nothing else, even the tiniest of breezes would have snatched the bag away from her so she made sure to keep a firm grip around the upper edge.

The professional wedding photographer Miriam Johnston - whose assistant Felix Gorman was busy out at Rockin' Ruby's - literally went to work snapping dozens if not hundreds of pictures of the married couple. Once every possible angle of the two brides had been covered ten times over, she moved onto the guests and snapped the same amount of coverage of them; she made sure to catch the many different emotions that ranged from pure, broadly-grinning joy to weepy nostalgia for a time long past. She wore an elegant set of clothes so she could blend in among the well-dressed people, but the three expensive cameras she wore around her neck made her stand out anyway.

Alejandra and Laura soon descended the staircase while they continued to wave at their friends and families. The bridal bouquets were too fragile to be waved around which meant they couldn't hold hands - instead, they rubbed arms all the way down the stairs to stay connected.

Everyone responded to the newly-weds like they were supposed to by cheering, chanting hurrahs, congratulating the brides, giving them suggestions for where - and how - to spend the wedding night, and throwing flower petals, dried rice and confetti at them. Plenty of confetti. Reams of confetti. Tons of confetti. Megatons of confetti. So much confetti the sun was completely blocked out by a white cloud that suddenly appeared at the semi-open square in front of the Church Of The Blessed Heart.

An old-fashioned New York City ticker-tape parade had nothing on Stella as she threw fistful after fistful of triple-shredded paper and the seventeen thousand holes she had punched herself at Alejandra and Laura. She wiggled around, squealed and laughed at the top of her lungs as she accessed the full Stella-Starr-Overdrive-Mode which made the confetti-storm even denser and more impressive. "Wa-hoooooooooooo!  Laura!  Laura!  Hoo-hoo-hoo-rahhhh!" exploded from her at the highest possible volume while she continued to threw the confetti into the air so it would rain down upon her old friend and her new wife.

Severe grumbles and other types of dissident voices about the air being so thick with home-made confetti they were unable to take video and pictures spread like wildfire among the wedding guests - and especially the professional photographer - in several different dialects, but Stella had no intention of stopping her fun before the magnum-sized bag was empty.

The moment came far too soon for her tastes, and she let out a long groan as her hand only reached the bottom of the bag. "Awwww-noooooooo… it's gone already?" she said and poked her entire head into the bag to make sure she hadn't missed any confetti or home-punched holes. "Frickety-frick-frack, I shoulda made a blip-bloppin' second bag!  I coulda used another fifteen, eighteen, twenty-thousand holes easily!"

"I think it's probably a good thing you didn't, Stell," Regina said into Stella's ear while she pointed at the seven-inch layer of confetti that had been dumped on every last one of the bottom ten rungs of the majestic staircase. A lot of it had already begun to drift away in the gentle breeze which made the semi-open square around the church resemble a Christmas market.

After wiping her sore nose on the back of her hand, Stella broke out in a one-shouldered shrug. "Eh, so I got a little carried away… but hoooooly-schmoly-blim-blam-a-rolley, it was fun!"

"I'm sure those guys over there think so too," Regina continued as she pointed at a four-man-strong cleaning crew who waited with brooms, dustpans and garbage bags while sporting severely disgruntled expressions created by all the extra work they suddenly had to carry out.

Stella could only hold their grumpy gazes for a second or two before she had to look away. The convenient arrival of a tweety bird high in the sky was used as a somewhat half-hearted excuse to do so, but the feathered friend soon flew off in a huff - it clearly objected to be pushed into such a role. "Uh… okay. Uh… yeah. Okay. Huh. Uh… perhaps, uh… we should offer them a little compensation or sum'tin…" she mumbled as she looked at the brides instead of the brooms.

"Bribery always works. A hundred dollars each should prevent them from digging out their pitchforks and chasing you back to the Pacer, Stell," Regina said flatly before she walked over to the cleaning crew to take care of business.

Laura and Alejandra continued to brush confetti and home-made holes out of their veils and gowns, but they were soon back on the trail - or rather, descending the majestic staircase to the cheering, whistling and congratulatory chants of their families. When Laura reached Stella's spot, she pulled her old friend into a strong hug. The age-old tradition of having the veil folded back after the wedding had been adhered to, so they were able to look each other in the eye.

Laura was Stella's age, but that was where the similarities ended. She had obviously always had Latin coloring, but it had deepened since her adolescent years and she was now a warm bronze. Her dark brown hair was smooth and at shoulder-length like it had always been, and her eyes were still almond-shaped and in a glorious shade of golden-brown.

As a result of the many hardships she had witnessed in the fifteen years she had spent in Central and South America teaching underprivileged children for a non-government organization, she was calmer and far more mature than her old friend. Returning home after the NGO's funding had run out, she became attached to the North Bay University as an external lecturer in social sciences - that was also where she had met Alejandra Gutiérrez for the first time: through a foul-up somewhere in the university's computer systems, the lecturer and the guest speaker had both been booked to present a speech at the same time. The rest was delightful history.

Stella smiled broadly as she took in the gorgeous view before her. It was clear from the electricity that zapped back and forth between their smiling eyes that they were both revisiting all the fun, silly, crazy, outrageous things they had done together as young girls and early teens. They had felt a kinship even then without knowing or understanding the underlying reasons, and as a result, the friendship had been a strong one until they had drifted apart in their late teen years - the level-headed Laura had always been able to temper the fiery Stella while learning that a little mischief now and then was good for the soul.

"Wow," the red-nosed, wild-haired, broadly-grinning Stella croaked, "just plain ol' wow… with a little extra wow-sprinkles on top. No, a whooooooooole buncha extra wow-sprinkles on top!  Law!  Girl!  Congratulations!"

"Thanks, Stell," Laura said before they pulled each other into another hug. When they separated once more, they kept their hands on each other's arms like they were worried the Technicolor world they found themselves in would dissolve like a dream if they let go.

"You're a married woman now!  I mean… how is that even possible?"

"It's probably got something to do with what the Pastor said in there…" Laura said and winked repeatedly - it earned her plenty of snickers in return. "Hey, look at you!  I don't think I've ever seen you this well-dressed… you're a proper party lion today, huh?" she continued as she looked at the off-white smoking jacket, the black tunic, the red waist belt and the sharply-creased slacks.

"Aw-yeah… well, Reggie picked it out for me."

Laura puckered up her lips like she was either waiting for a kiss or trying to hold back a joke. It proved to be the latter of the two when she said: "I guessed right, then."

"Oh, haw-haw-flippin'-haw!  And another Haw for good measure," Stella said and ran her hands up and down Laura's arms. "It's so crazy… shoot, it's actually kinda scary!  I mean… ten blip-bloppin' minutes ago, we were nine years old and playing tag around your home-"

"And you made little drawings of us and everything we did that you gave to Mom and Dad… they were put on the fridge door. They stayed there until they were so old and brittle they couldn't be salvaged. Remember that?"

"Sure I do!  Those were the days, Law. I just know your Dad would have loved all this… and he would have loved Alejandra," Stella said in a wistful voice as she gave Laura's arms a supportive squeeze.

Laura nodded quietly before she leaned in to place two small pecks on Stella's cheeks for old times' sake. "I know he would. I could almost hear his voice whispering in my ear saying how proud he was. Ohhhh, now you're gonna make me cry…"

"Me too…" Stella croaked; she sniffled hard to keep back the tears that had already begun to sting at the corners of her eyes - tears would be all right and safe, but further bouts of hardcore wailing needed to be avoided.

"Oh, but we can't cry 'cos we have to go," Laura continued in a lighter tone. "I guess someone has rented a limo for us!  See you out at Ruby Albrecht's in a little while, okay?  I can't wait to see what that looks like!"

"Oh, it's not much, just-"

"Catch!" Laura suddenly cried as she spun around and threw her bridal bouquet high in the air toward the assembled guests. Stella tried with the collective power of her intent and thigh muscles to jump high enough to catch it, but it sailed right over her outstretched fingers and disappeared into the frenzied crowd. Alejandra mirrored her new wife's actions a moment later, but that bouquet also gained far too much altitude for the vertically-challenged Stella to even contemplate reaching for it.

A dark scowl fell over the fiery investigator's face at the fiasco, and she could only cast a somber, gloomy, hangdog look at where she presumed the bouquets had gone. Regina soon showed up wearing a supportive smile, but even her partner's sympathy couldn't give Stella a boost. "Rip-a-rat-a-new-one… catching someone's bridal bouquet was something I dreamt of as a little girl, Reggie… before I grew all cynical and unromantic and just plain unlucky. And this was Laura's which woulda meant sooooo much to me!  Biff-boffer, a hopeless case like me can't catch a break… or a bridal bouquet…"

"Are you perchance talking about this bridal bouquet, Stell?" Regina said before she whipped her hand into view; she had been hiding it behind her back the whole time.

It didn't happen often that Stella Starr was struck mute, but it happened at that exact point in time. She could only stare at the bouquet, at Regina, at Laura and Alejandra who carried on being congratulated by their friends and relatives, at the bouquet, at Regina, at the Church Of The Blessed Heart, at the assembly of wedding guests, at Laura and Alejandra, at the bouquet, and finally up at Regina whose face cracked open in a beaming smile.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh," Stella croaked. Taking the bouquet from Regina's hand, she promptly buried her face in the flowers. A deep sniff that nearly tore off the colorful petals followed before she clutched it to her heart. "Ohhhhhhhhhh," she croaked again, and it seemed it was all she was capable of expressing.

Regina smiled and pulled her sweetheart in for a sideways hug - as always mindful of avoiding any clothes-related issues like crumpling, exchange of fluff, or worse. "Love you, Stell," she whispered for Stella's ears only.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh," Stella croaked while she looked up at Regina; it was obvious the inarticulate sound was a scrambled version of 'I love you too,' so they both broke out in wide grins.

The tender moment between the two investigators of the Harrison-Starr Detective Agency was interrupted when a Lincoln stretch-limousine - fire-engine-red, with blacked-out windows and golden wheels - drove up to stop at the foot of the majestic staircase. One of Steve Darrian's regular chauffeurs soon stepped out wearing a uniform that matched the car's strong colors. He held the rear door open for Laura and Alejandra who needed the assistance of several helpers to have their large gowns rolled up and put safely into the vehicle.

Once the newly-weds were seated and comfortable in the back of the limousine, the chauffeur moved back around the mile-long hood and slipped behind the wheel. The large group of wedding guests all poured down to the flat part of the church square to wave, chant and cheer at the brides as they drove off in the flashy Lincoln.

The arrival and subsequent departure of the stretch-limo made Stella snap back to her regular fiery persona. After sticking the bridal bouquet between her teeth so it wouldn't be harmed, she smacked her hands together several times to get everyone's attention.

Once she had most of the people at the square looking at her, she extracted the flowers so she had room to let out a roaring: "Everybody!  Get to your cars!  We got a wedding bash to attend… so let's go!" at the top of her lungs; from one moment to the next, she had tapped into her General Patton-mode. Spinning around on her heel, she stomped off toward the Pacer's parking spot at the back of the church.

Stella's decisive action had left Regina all alone in the sea of home-made confetti and well-dressed wedding guests, but the taller half of the dynamic duo quickly recovered and found the two people they had agreed on driving to the big event: Rosário Cruz and the lieutenant colonel.

'Mama' Rosário alternately sniffled and chuckled all the way over to their ride while her son offered her a helping hand to compensate for her weak knees - the sniffles were for the sight of her little girl in her wedding gown, and the chuckles were for Stella Starr continuing to be Stella Starr even thirty years on from the first time she had visited the Cruz home.

-*-*-*-

The big day had already thrown plenty of obstacles, challenges and just-plain-old-mean-and-nasty problems at Stella that she needed to overcome for everything to have a happy end, and the next such issue presented itself as soon as the small group of people returned to the vintage car: the arithmetic problem known as How many people can fit in an AMC Pacer?

The problem should have been an easy-peasy one to solve for Stella as it only took a couple of seconds to count one-two-three-four people and one-two-three-four seats. Unfortunately, the car only had two doors. Three of the people who were to drive in it were able-bodied, but the fourth - Rosário - had a slight disability in the shape of her poor knees which would undoubtedly make it difficult for her to climb into the back.

Stella realized at once that yet another part of her meticulously laid-out plans hadn't been properly thought through - what she hadn't counted on was having Vicente Cruz there as well. He had a broad-shouldered frame from birth, and his Marine Corps dress uniform and impressive cap only made it even more so. "Oy-oy-oy-oy… Oy!" she said, temporarily putting the bridal bouquet between her teeth all over again so she could use both hands to give her scalp a thorough scratch-n-rub. "Huh. Hmmm. Okay… hub-buh. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Vicente, you're in the back-" she continued around the flowers.

"Won't work, Miss Starr," the lieutenant colonel said in a voice that shared the same buttery smoothness as his sister's. "I can't fit back there… and I don't want my uniform crumpled."

Stella blinked a couple of times as she removed the bridal bouquet from her teeth. The four-piece jigsaw puzzle was clearly a step too far for her in her present state because all she could do was to stare and breathe - then she snapped out of it to try a different approach: "Okay. Okay… oy. So what else can go wrong?  Vicente, up front. Reggie, in the back-"

"My legs won't fit back there, Stell, you know that," Regina said as she glanced at the time on her smartphone. "Look, I don't want to put any pressure on you solving this gigantic conundrum, but we need to be at Ruby's before the limo-"

"I know, I know, I know, Reggie!  Fer-cryin'-out-loud!  You're confusing me!  And you know what happens when I get confused!  I get all wobbly-kneed and wiggly-brained and I don't need that right now!  Thank you for keeping track of the time, but time can go scr- scr- scr- a-lotta-stuff itself. So there!"

"Yes, dear," Regina mumbled.

"Now I gotta start over and ugh!  Okay… uh… oy-oy-oy," Stella said, almost at the point of eenie-meenie-miney-moe'ing to get the four seats filled by the four people present. "Okay. Then it's… ugh… oy-oy-oy… Mama Rosário, up front-"

The mature woman shook her head. "I'm really, really sorry, Stella… but I always get car sick whenever I sit up front. And I need to sit down pretty soon now…"

Stella continued to stare, but she stopped breathing and just stood there like a five-foot-four-and-a-half-inch marble statue that someone had dressed in an white smoking jacket, black slacks and patent-leather shoes. She eventually adjusted her glasses several times without speaking. The breathing part didn't come back to her until later. "Okay. Okay. I… I'll… I… I'll hop into the trunk. That way, Mama Rosário can have the back seat-"

"Stell-" Regina tried.

"And-and-and Vicente can sit up front and-"

"Stell!  Will ya pipe down and listen to me for a change!  We don't have much time!" Regina barked, much to Rosário's mirth and Vicente's surprise.

Stella did in fact pipe down; her eyes went on a quick tour of all the highlights of the alley - there weren't many - before they landed on Regina's face that carried an uncharacteristic scowl. "Uh… okay. Go ahead, Reggie…"

"You and Mrs. Cruz in the back with you sitting behind me. The lieutenant colonel and yours truly up front. Come on, we need to get going," Regina said and hurried around the Pacer to open the passenger-side door that the AMC designers had made a couple of inches longer than the one on the driver's side. Once she had moved the seat as far forward as it could go, she folded the backrest over to present the largest gap possible for the matronly Rosário Cruz.

"I'll help my mother, Miss Harrison," Vicente said as he took over the duties of getting Rosário into the car and onto the back seat.

Stella let out a long sigh of relief. She wouldn't really have minded being taken for a ride up in the trunk - but that was another story entirely - but the last thing she wanted was to give Rosário and the highly decorated lieutenant colonel the impression that she hadn't evolved a bit beyond her pre-teen years. She hadn't, really, but that was also another story.

"Ohhhhh… you're my friend, Reggie!  My dear, dear, dear friend in an evil world that only exists to mess with us Stella Starrs!  I'd be blip-bloppin' lost without ya… and sometimes I'm blip-bloppin' lost even when you're around so just imagine what it would be like if you wussent!" she said and zipped onto the back seat from the Pacer's left side. It only took her nimble frame a few seconds to get in place, so she had time to help Rosário get comfortable and put on the seat belt.

Regina sighed and glanced skyward. Then she glanced at the clock on her smartphone. Then she sighed and glanced skyward again. Getting behind the Pacer's steering wheel and the dark-brown wheel sock that she considered an affront to all good taste, she donned the driving gloves she had worn earlier in the day when Stella had been too buzzing to drive.

The chocolate-brown wonder soon performed a three-point U-turn in the rear courtyard of the Church Of The Blessed Heart. Before long, it was pointed in the proper direction for exiting the alley they had used to get there.

As Regina and the others waited for a gap in the traffic at the mouth of the alley, the first car that happened to drive past out on the street was Caitlin O'Herlihy's gold Volkswagen Beetle. Debbie Schwartz and Samantha Welles were right behind the classic car in their eight-seater SUV, and they were both transporting the senior members of the Gutiérrez family - Alejandra's grandfather had even insisted on being chauffeured in the Beetle as he'd had a similar one back when he was a young man.

Regina soon drove out onto the busy street that had turned even more so following the mass exodus of wedding guests from the parking lots close to the church. No rocket scientists were needed to see there was a risk it could begin to clog up considering the amount of wedding-decorated vehicles that filled all the lanes. Two seconds later, it did in fact happen.

Stella groaned long and hard as the brake lights flashed red all across the street ahead of them. When the groan wasn't enough to tell the world how she truly felt deep down inside, she smacked her palm against her forehead which made her shaggy haystack fly out in all directions.

---

Regina and the other passengers in the brown car were only trapped in the vehicular logjam for four minutes and nineteen seconds, but it was enough for unhealthy, red blotches to develop on Stella's forehead and cheeks. She tried to carry on breathing, but it wasn't easy with the vast, evil world insisting on wrecking her plans that she had spent weeks designing. She could only squeak as she clutched the precious bridal bouquet to her chest.

The knot of traffic unraveled little by little. A car less over here, another car less over there, yet another car less way up ahead, and the Pacer was suddenly free of the myriad of brake lights that had crowded it only moments before. When Regina could finally break out of the jam, she set off down the street among all the other wedding guests who were headed for the parking lot at Rockin' Ruby's.

---

As they waited at a red light at an intersection, Caitlin's gold Beetle and Debbie's charcoal-colored SUV pulled up in the lane next to the brown Pacer. Plenty of honking and waving followed as the Gutiérrez and the Cruz families greeted each other now they suddenly found themselves as neighbors. Stella waved for all she was worth and sent Caitlin and the others plenty of big thumbs-up.

The drivers of the other vehicles around them soon noticed the wedding decorations and began honking and waving as well. A somewhat disharmonic concert was created at the set of traffic lights, but nobody seemed to mind.

"Ooooooo-yeah, this is more like it!" Stella said as she waved so hard her arm nearly fell off. The traffic lights soon turned green which meant the vehicles were off once more. Stella took full advantage of the break by falling against the backrest and massaging her arm. She soon took a deep breath to sail off into one of her legendary speeches: "Ohhhhh, Mama Rosário… Laura was so, so, so, SO bayu-tiful in her gown and Alejandra was too and they looked so fabulous and fine together and side by side and together up there by the altar and everything was so loverly and-and-and I just couldn't stop wailing at all the gloriousness-"

"We noticed," Rosário said with a grin.

Deep, deep breath - "-and tho' I thought the Pastor and the sermon-thingie… so-lillo-quibble… whatchamacallit… was a little dry especially that weird, weird parable with the donkey and the peg in the ground and the shepherd or donkey-herder or whatever such a fella would be called… mule tamer?  But anyway, I didn't understand a single word of that and I don't think anyone else did either-" - Deep breath - " 'cos everyone that I looked at was just like 'huh?' and I thought it was just too strange for a wedding, but never mind that now… but-but-but-but the rest was just sooooo bayu-tiful and Laura and Alejandra looked so perfect next to each other in their gowns and-and-and… oh, no, I'm gonna start wailing again!"

"No!" Regina growled up front, but Stella - predictably - didn't have the mental surplus amid her stream of words to notice the exclamation.

Deep breath - "Like I told Reggie earlier, when I was a little girl I used to dream about having a white wedding like the one today and I would have loved, loved, loved to have one and be a part of one as one of the brides… obviously…" - Deep breath - "but it never happened and even tho' I've had a couple of girlfriends over the years, none of those relationships were ever serious enough to even begin to talk about wedding plans or anything like that and it would probably have scared them off anyway…" - Deep breath - "but-but-but-and then when I met Reggie here, we were both at a stage in our lives where weddings were really out of the question for either of us… uh, I mean a common wedding… a common marriage… actually, a church wedding but a marriage between us, you know-" - Deep, deep breath - "but you know, modern women shouldn't think of such matters anyhows 'cos marriage is a straitjacket created by the patriarchy or so the Wise Ones constantly say, but I don't subscribe to that theory 'cos allllll I ever dreamt of when I was a young girl was to have a white wedding. And your daughter was sooooooo bayu-tiful today!"

Up front, the experienced lieutenant colonel - two tours in Iraq, three years as a military advisor in Yemen and two years at the US embassy in Kuwait - could do nothing but look straight ahead with a wide-eyed stare in his golden-brown eyes. When he finally glanced to his left at Regina to see if he was the only one who was startled at the ninety-nine-words-a-minute outburst Stella had just finished letting out, he had to grunt at the sight of the model actually chuckling under her breath.

"Thank you, Stella. I thought so too," Rosário Cruz said in a calm voice like her ears hadn't just been exposed to a four-minute barrage of large-caliber oral artillery. Her face cracked open in a warm smile, and she couldn't help but reach out and frame Stella's face with her hands like she had done so often when the love-starved young'un had needed a friendly touch back in the old days.

Stella's chin immediately began to quiver at the familiar touch, and she needed to sniffle-sniffle-sniffle hard and gulp down several lumps in her throat to keep it all inside. She managed, but it was touch-and-go for several long seconds.

---

The rest of the drive back to Rockin' Ruby's was conducted with remarkably few dramas save for a little incident at another red light where a bicycle courier had almost knocked the right-hand-side door mirror off the Pacer. If Stella had been behind the wheel rather than sitting in the back, the courier would have been the recipient of one of her patented five-star, gold-plated, …ucker-rhyming hissy fits, but she wasn't so she let it go. Mostly.

Regina saved the mood - and everyone's eardrums - by turning on the eight-track player so they could listen to a few songs by The Carpenters. Karen Carpenter's golden tones always soothed Stella no matter how spit-flying annoyed she was, and they did so in this instance as well.

---

The lack of dramas only lasted until they drove into the parking lot at Ruby Albrecht's bar and began to cruise around for somewhere to park. The large marquee tent and all the accessories set up in connection with it had commandeered quite a few of the regular parking slots, and the remaining ones had all been snatched by those weddings guests who had been fortunate enough to get through the downtown bottleneck before the logjam had developed.

"Oy… oy-oy-oy-oy… Oy!" Stella said as she looked past Regina's shoulder at the scores of decorated cars and SUVs that filled out the various lanes. "Oy!  There's no room for us!  There's!  No!  Crip-croppin'!  Blip-bloppin'!  Schnip-schnoppin'!  Room!  For!  Us!  I don't be-lieeeeeee-ve it!  Why-why-why does it allllllways have to be this way… why do I alllllllllways have to be punished?  Can you tell me that, Reggie?  What did I do?  What did I do, Reggie?  The world hates my guts!  It!  Hates!  My!  Guts!"

"Stell-" Regina tried, but she was cut off before she could even get started:

"No, I'm tellin' ya it does!  The world hates my guts!  So there!"

"Look," Vicente Cruz said, cutting off Stella's verbal spewing by pointing through the windshield, "there's a space right there. It's just big enough for-"

"Hustle, Reggie!  Hustle!  Hustle-hustle-hustle-hustle-and-flippety-flip-floppin'-bustle, Reggie!" Stella cried as she jumped up and down on the back seat much to 'Mama' Rosário's barely hidden amusement and Vicente's barely hidden shock. "Foot to the floor, stroke and bore!  Get it before someone else does!  Which means now!  And now is spelled enn-ohhh-dubya!"

Chuckling, Regina calmly drove into the available slot between a Hyundai and a charcoal-gray Mercedes SLK not unlike the silver-metallic one they'd had until recently. "Stell… Jeez almighty," she said as she came to a stop half-in-half-out so the Pacer's extra-long passenger-side door could still open out wide in order for Rosário Cruz to have safe passage.

Once Vicente had helped his mother out of the Pacer, Stella scooted across the back seat so she could get out as well. The fiery investigator stepped up onto the doorsill to get a clear picture of the goings-on at the party site. Nothing appeared in worse shape than when they had left for the ceremony, and quite a lot of things had in fact been completed.

The parking lot in front of Rockin' Ruby's resembled a large-scale autumn fair - or cattle show - complete with wrestlers and colorful barkers rather than the dreary asphalt desert it was at any other time. Scores of wedding guests, hired helpers and hard-working volunteers mingled near the marquee tent, and all seemed to have a good time already.

Nodding with contentment, Stella stepped off the doorsill and shut the door. "Everything's looking good. The limo isn't here yet as far as I can see… and it's kinda difficult to miss. Reggie, please help Mama Rosário find a good seat somewhere close to the action but not too close. You know what I mean."

"Will do, dahling," Regina said with a grin before she leaned down to plant a nice, strong smooch right on Stella's kisser.

Stella snickered wildly as she watched Regina and Vicente help Rosário away from the Pacer and into the throng of well-dressed humanity. Warm tones suddenly started playing from behind the marquee tent - it sounded suspiciously like a saxophone going through the scales to warm up before the main event would start. "Holy mackerel-in-tomato-sauce, the band's here!  Ohhhhhh, maybe-maybe-just-maybe the rest of the day will go without incident…" she mumbled as she moved around the Pacer to drive it the last bit of the way into the slot.

With everything seemingly having a positive slant for a change, she stepped back out and put the precious bridal bouquet in the back for safe keeping. They always kept a box of tissues in the trunk as a direct result of the countless times Stella's fingers had been dripping with grease from various burgers or pizzas and needed a quick wipe-off, and she snatched two of them to blow the trumpet.

The tender skin around her nostrils stung as she did so, but she had to endure that or suffer a much worse fate in the shape of the dreaded glistening-upper-lip syndrome which would most certainly nix any chance of getting another kiss out of Regina for the rest of the day. Once everything had been taken care of, she stuffed several spare tissues into her pockets and zipped off to find Ruby Albrecht, Kristy Newbourne or Megan Austin to get an up-to-date status report.

-*-*-*-

The saxophone dance band Laura Cruz had booked for the post-wedding bash was called the Saxy Ladies, and the name was highly appropriate on all levels as the ladies were rather saxy indeed to look at and listen to.

The five female musicians in the line-up each wore ankle-boots, straight-legged slacks, three-quarter-length jackets with wide lapels and finally peaked, shaded caps. Their uniform-like outfits resembled those found on the bridge of a cruise ship or in the cockpit of a passenger jet, and that was certainly the desired effect.

Where their costumes differed from the aforementioned uniforms came in the strong colors of the fabric: the lead alto saxophonist wore bright-red, the tenor wore blue, the soprano wore green, the rhythm-guitarist wore yellow and the keyboardist wore white.

The instruments had turned silent after the brief warmup while the musicians enjoyed a bite to eat, but they had been entertaining the volunteers and those among the wedding guests who had gone directly to Rockin' Ruby's by playing a few evergreens and brassy arrangements of more recent hits. As experienced performers at weddings, celebrity birthdays, staff parties and other large-scale events, they knew the importance of getting nourishment whenever there was a lull in the proceedings - as soon as the key people arrived, the band would be expected to play non-stop.

Kristy and Megan had worked tirelessly during the time Stella and Regina had spent at the ceremony. No less than twelve round tables that had room for six people each had been put up in the central section of the marquee tent; a larger one that could seat eight had been prepared specifically for the newly-weds and their closest relatives. Rosário Cruz had already spent a short time there to rest her knees, but she and Vicente had recently left to find the restroom to be all set for when the limousine would arrive.

Several smaller tables for the children among the guests had been put up wherever enough space had been found. To fit the theme, they were scaled-down versions of those the adults were going to use. All tables had been set to the T with starched, bright-white table cloths, the rented tableware, intricately folded napkins and a host of neat flower arrangements.

The entire left-hand wall of the marquee tent had been filled with the many buffet carts - one half was refrigerated; the other half had heating elements installed - that promised much in the shape of food, chilled beers and soft drinks selected to keep all tastes happy and content. A portable wine cabinet took care of that side of the alcoholic affairs, and there were enough bottles of potent spirits to keep everyone singing and swinging for weeks.

Regina had been kept busy after returning from the ceremony: she had been recognized by several of the wedding guests and had posed for countless selfies. She hadn't seemed to mind the requests or the frequent camera flashes, and her mermaid hair was given quite a few perfect flicks onto her perfect back as she basked in the attention. When asked politely, she had even performed part of her legendary Too Cool For Words-posing routine that had earned her a rousing applause from all - perhaps the male wedding guests had been the loudest, but it was hard to tell through all the whistles and cheers.

Stella had been following Regina around at first, but she had needed to throw herself into one of the rented dining chairs after walking around in a daze for the better part of five minutes. At one point, she had held a lengthy, but somewhat one-sided, conversation with a tall somebody that she thought was Regina only to discover it was one of the posts that held up the tent's roof.

The sleepless night, the strain of the stressful morning and the day's emotional events had finally caught up with her, and not even the extra caffeine in the can of Slurrpy Sporty Blue energy drink she was sipping could give her much of a boost. Unfortunately, she knew she could not allow herself to zone out just yet. There were tens, dozens, scores or even hundreds of items left on the big day's agenda, and she needed to be there for all of them just in case something went wrong.

Another sip of the energy drink went down the proper pipe before she patted one of the smoking jacket's side pockets. The speech she was to hold was still there. Just thinking about her upcoming moment in the spotlight made her scrunch up her face into a mask of worry.

After recording hours and hours of herself speaking about past events, and then the grossly time-consuming process of transcribing her wild trains of thought into the word processor, she had managed to whittle away enough of the rough edges, mental detours and inappropriate revelations to make it a funny speech - she knew that after running it by Regina several times during the editing process - but whether or not everyone else would consider it funny was another thing altogether.

It wasn't even the part about speaking in public that had her worried. She was so used to attracting attention it wouldn't mean a thing to have everyone's eyes on her, but the last thing she wanted was to kill the party by producing a speech that would cough, splutter and fizzle - or worse, that would make the guests or Laura Cruz cough, splutter and fizzle.

She looked up and let out a tired grunt when Regina entered the marquee tent carrying two wedding gifts. Her numb mind registered that her sweetheart said something to her, but the wad of cotton wool between her ears refused to play along. "Whassat, Reggie?  I'm kinda flaking out here…"

After the posing and photo session that had attracted quite a lot of attention and had thus upset the tight schedule, Ruby had asked if the Oh-So-Glamorous-One could be bothered to step off the golden runway for a moment to help the commoners among them distribute the gifts the guests had brought along. Megan Austin had been too polite to complain, but Kristy Newbourne had said mostly the same thing that Ruby had, only in a slightly different wording.

Though Regina's fingers and hands weren't built for manual labor of any kind, carrying wrapped wedding gifts couldn't do much harm to her manicure, so she had agreed after giving a final few selfies. Moving over to a large, square table set up for that purpose, she placed the two gifts on it with great care before she inspected her fingers and fingernails. Everything was still A-OK. Chores done, she flicked her perfect mermaid hair over her shoulder and walked over to her sweetheart. "I said, you look awfully tired," she said with a concerned smile.

"Tired?  Who, me?  Nuh-uh!  I'm fully fit!  I'm fit and healthy and in tip-top-shape and ready to go ten rounds in a cage match against Chainz Austin and allllll her wrestlers if I had to!" Stella said and puffed out her chest.

"Is that a fact?"

The puffed-out chest remained thus for three seconds until it deflated like a leaking balloon. Sighing, Stella slumped against the chair's backrest. "No. I peaked too soon," she said and took the final sip of the can of Sporty Blue energy drink. She shook the can around to lure the last remaining droplets out of hiding, but she had already had all there was to have from it.

"It happens," Regina said and knelt down in front of the chair. Taking Stella's hands in her own, she gave them a little squeeze to show that she would be right there to provide all the support that Stella could possibly need. "At least everything's been going pretty much to plan so far today… well, not the Frizzie's at the church, but that was an accident."

Snickering, Stella returned the squeeze and added a little palm-tickle. "Yeah… but what an accident, huh?  Sweet Mother Of Pizza, that could have been nasty… I burped as quietly as I could out on the square, but… it still startled the pigeons and made a few kids cry…"

"Oh, I'd say about seventy other people noticed it as well. But nothing really bad happened and we shouldn't dwell on near-disasters," Regina said and leaned in to offer a tender kiss on Stella's lips. "Now you have all the best parts to look forward to… plenty to eat and drink, plenty of yapping with Mama Rosário and everyone else, and plenty of shaking your behind to the Saxy Ladies here."

"I wish!  No, I can feel in my gut that the afternoon and evening has something nasty in store for me," Stella said and patted the aforementioned part of her. "At least I didn't have to work out the seating arrangements. Fer-Evelyn's-sake, I remember how much work that was for my poor Mom whenever we threw a family function. Uncle Bob couldn't sit next to aunt Margaret 'cos he was allergic to her cheroots… and aunt Tilly refused to sit next to cousin Jebediah-The-Grand-Poobah because he was a minister for the Seventh Day Evangelists or what-the-frick-ever they're called and ugh… no. I can't say what it is yet, but there's a blip-bloppin' evil bugger lurking in the shadows somewhere…"

Regina chuckled and leaned in to present her sweetheart with another kiss. "Well, if there is, we'll kick its hiney together like we always do. Right?"

"Right…"

Loud cheering from outside the marquee tent offered a strong hint that the garishly-colored stretch-limousine had finally arrived. Before long, a car door was opened and then shut - no doubt the chauffeur moving around to let the newly-weds out. Stella tried to bolt upright but didn't seem to be able to get very far on her own. "Oh!  They're here!  We gotta hustle, Reggie… don't wanna miss it… ugh… ugh… if I could only get up… ugh… from this… ugh… riffin'-raffin'-biffin'-boffin' chair!  Whaddahell'samatter with this crib-crabbin' piece of-?!"

Regina easily pulled the lead-bottomed investigator to her feet, and they were soon hurrying out of the tent to join the cheering crowd in greeting Laura and Alejandra as they made their grand entrance. On their way out, they nearly collided with Miriam Johnston and Felix Gorman who were setting up a few extra lamps so the light would be perfect for the brides.

The wedding photographers both mouthed plenty of curses at the two women; Felix was still annoyed with Stella's behavior when she had claimed he was late, and Miriam was still seething about the confetti-incident at the church. All in all, neither planned to send any Christmas cards to the investigators from the Harrison-Starr Detective Agency.

---

A short fifteen minutes later, the first of the day's many dishes were being put on the tables by a small army of waiters who zipped back and forth between the catering truck and the impatient wedding guests in the marquee tent. Because of the delicate nature of the appetizers, the catering company's lead chef personally prepared everything by hand up in the rear of the truck so it could stay fresh and inviting for as long as possible.

Tall flutes and countless bottles of chilled white wine and genuine champagne imported from France had already been put on the tables for the toasts that were sure to follow. Each of the wedding guests took a flute and let the waiters fill them with the beverage they wished to try. Most of the adults went for the champagne while the youngest members received non-alcoholic sparkling wine or Slurrpy Sporty Yellow that could be made to look a little like the real thing if held up against a light source.

Cream crackers with tiny portions of genuine caviar, salty crackers with garlic cheese spread, bran digestives with slices of camembert and a few pitless grapes, puffy butter-crackers with chunks of strong cheese and green bell pepper rings, slices of roasted banana and pineapple, pickled onion rings and jalapeños, little cups with kidney beans soaked in chili-sauce, taco tubs with tofu and green chili-salsa - those and many other types of canapés, appetizers and general finger food were brought to the tables much to the vocal appreciation of all the wedding guests.

Or to be precise: all the wedding guests save for one. As pretty much the only one who didn't feel particularly enthralled about the selection on offer, Stella had a strong nose-crinkle going as she peeked at the trays with all the finger food in the hope of finding just one thing she would like to sink her teeth into. She certainly had her favorites when it came to food, and it was obvious that none of the things on offer tickled her tastebuds. Ultimately, she took a small handful of the pitless grapes and left everything else behind. When a waiter came up to her with the fine beverages, she sprung for the champagne though she only had very little experience with it.

"Careful, Stell… these bubbles can be hefty," Regina said into Stella's ear. Having far greater experience with the higher end of the drinks market from her decades in the modeling world, she only took tiny sips of her own flute.

"Huh. Thanks for the tip… at least it's not made by Frizzie's."

"No, and I'd rather we didn't have a repeat of that particular incident."

"No kiddin'," Stella said before she nipped at the champagne. Her nose-crinkle didn't leave her as the bubbly liquid filtered down her gullet - in fact, it was joined by a look upon her face that could best be described as Yuckety-yuck-yuck. "Oy-oy-oy… how you can drink this is beyond me," she said out of the corner of her mouth.

"I love it," Regina said and flicked her perfect mermaid hair over her shoulder where it landed in a perfect cascade down the back of her perfect, electric-blue pant suit.

Stella snickered as she took in the sight of her tall, picturesque sweetheart. Even if Regina did nothing but stand around holding a flute of champagne, she simply had to enter a posing stance. Among other things, she kept her chin tilted just a fraction to let it catch the Perfect Light. Her cheekbones, her eyes, her height and her dark mermaid hair all conspired to make sure she was the natural center of attention - even at someone else's wedding. "Haw… I gotta admit, Reggie… you do look kinda fiiiine standing like that an' holding a flute and stuff…"

"Why, thank you, dahling. Does that mean I still-"

"Yessss…"

"Much appreciated, dahling," Regina said and sent a few kissies in Stella's direction.

The mop-topped investigator pretended to catch one of them with her lips before she turned back to her own bubbly water. After glancing around at the other guests who didn't seem to have a problem drinking the champagne, she decided to give it another go. The second try yielded no better results, so she put down the flute for good. "Blergh. They can keep this fancy stuff… naw, give me a-"

HICCUP!

"Gawwwd," Stella croaked as the strong hiccup tore through her without warning. "At least it wasn't a-"

HICCUP!

"Oh, Gawwwwd…"

HICCUP!

"Stell-"

HICCUP!

"Ugh!"

HICCUP!

"Stell…"

HICCUP!

"Ugh!  Ugh, ugh, ugh!"

HICCUP!

"Stell!  Drink something cold, quick… or hold your breath for three minutes!"

HICCUP!

"Three min-"

HICCUP!

"Three minut-"

HICCUP!

"Three-"

HICCUP!

"Aaaargh!"

HICCUP!

"Three minutes?!  Are you-"

HICCUP!

"- trying to get rid of me-"

HICCUP!

"- Reggie?!"

HICCUP!

The dastardly - and certainly fierce - sneak-attack by that well-known Roman battle commander Hiccupus Maximus and his dreaded legion of war-hardened centurions had caused Stella's face to turn beetroot-red, and her shaggy mop of hair stood out in every possible direction. Her arms flailed in the air as her body was jerked left, then right, then left, then finally left and right at the same time from the violent forces waging war somewhere inside her.

HICCUP!

As the hiccups continued to tear through her, her glasses misted over which rendered her incapable of seeing where she was. It led to a dangerous situation where she fumbled and bumbled too close to one of the waiters who carried a full tray of finger food, but the nimble fellow was able to evade the human hiccuper at the last moment.

HICCUP!

Regina rolled her eyes repeatedly as she once again found herself smack-bang in the middle of a scene that wasn't of her making. The Saxy Ladies played an evergreen to go with the canapés and the bubblies, but the musical piece was completely drowned out by the infernal hiccuping. Every single person in the marquee tent gawked at Stella and Regina, and a few even held up their smartphones to take pictures or video of the embarrassing incident. "Then drink something cold… everybody's staring…" she mumbled while she tried to restore her image as one of the original Queens Of Cool.

HICCUP!

"Let 'em-"

HICCUP!

"-stare… I don't care!  Hey, that rhy-"

HICCUP!

"Gawwwwd…"

HICCUP!

"Aaaaa-AAAAH-aaargh!"

HICCUP!

Fortunately for all involved, one of the waiters hurried over to the severely frazzled Stella with a tall glass of ice cold water. She downed half of it in one go which seemed to calm her down - but only for two seconds. Then she let out a resounding:

HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! -HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! - HICCUP! -HICCUP! - HICCUP!

"That's it!  I'm holding-"

HICCUP!

"-my breath!"

HICCUP!

Stella's cheeks bulged out and her eyes went out on stalks as the hiccuping continued on the inside, but she was determined not to make too much of a fool of herself at Laura's wedding - thus, she remained steadfast in keeping up the determined breath-holding.

One minute became one-and-a-half, then two, then two-and-a-half. Then, and only then did her diaphragm relax enough to stop contracting. When she could finally breathe again, her first croaked words were: "Oy-oy-oy… I need a Slurrpy…"

Though Regina pretended not to know the hiccuping woman at first, they had been standing right next to each other the entire time in the tent so it was a lost cause. Sighing, she slinked off to find a low-rent Slurrpy for her sweetheart instead of the high-end champagne.

The rather loud and persistent hiccuping had not gone unnoticed among the newly-weds, and Laura Cruz soon came over to her old friend to offer her support. "Hi, Stell… the champagne?"

"Uh-huh…" Stella croaked in a voice that had turned as raw as the skin under her nose.

"Did you see the treats I got especially for you?  Mini pizzas and plenty of Slurrpies…"

"No-I-didden!  Ooooh!  Where?  Where?"

"Right down there," Laura said and pointed at the buffet cart at the far end of the line. Before Laura could even pull her finger back, Stella had already zipped down there and had moved her aching nose right down to the glass sliding door so she could take in the glorious sight.

A small cardboard note pinned to the top of the cart stated quite clearly that the contents of the buffet cart were strictly Reserved for S. Starr, Senior Investigator with the Harrison-Starr Detective Agency.

"Oooooooooooooooh!" Stella squealed as she clapped eyes on a cooler box full of Slurrpies of all kinds. At the other end of the buffet cart, a glowing heating lamp made sure that an entire tray's worth of Pico Pizzi - miniature pizzas - were sizzling merrily. "Awwwwwe-somesauce!" she continued as she yanked open the glass door to get two Pico Pizzi and a can of Slurrpy Cherry Cola as her starter course.

The warm, strong aroma of sizzling cheese, high-quality tomato sauce and Italian spices that greeted her abused nostrils caused her near-empty, and certainly sublimely annoyed, tummy to growl out loud in several different keys. "Genuine Teresa Maddalena pizza sauce!  I can recognize that scent anywhere… ooooooohhh… Reggie!  Reggie?  Where's Reggie?  Aw, mini-pizzas would be farrrrrr too scary for her, anyway!  All the more for me!  Yipp-pp-pp-ie!"

-*-*-*-

After most of the trays with the finger food had been cleared out, the Saxy Ladies had the marquee tent swinging with the warm, brassy tones of their saxophones as they played instrumental versions of golden oldies and the latest hits.

The current tune was Chubby Checker's The Twist. Laura and Alejandra held onto each other's arms as they were twistin' with all they had while their families and everyone else clapped time to the unusual bridal waltz. The newly-weds laughed out loud at the frivolous subversion of one of the ancient traditions; the band literally played along and segued into Let's Twist Again to carry on the fun.

When the bouncy party song came to an end, other - more subdued - tunes were played so everyone could get a slice of the dancing action to make room for the oodles of food that awaited them in the main buffet carts. One of the most popular ones was ABBA's Dancing Queen as the mid-tempo tune gave the less-spry members of the wedding party a chance to join the others on the dance floor.

Tradition dictated that a slow tune should be played after three quick ones, and the Saxy Ladies responded by playing Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters. Not only did Laura and Alejandra take the opportunity to dance so closely that several parents needed to keep their little ones preoccupied in order to avoid any questions that were better suited to be answered in the comfort of their own homes, Regina and Stella mirrored the newly-weds by dancing around appearing to be Elmer-glued together. Because of their vast difference in height, they could never dance cheek-to-cheek, but cheek-to-bosom wasn't bad either.

Over at the entrance to the marquee tent, Kristy, Megan and Ruby showed up to look at the dancing couples. According to Stella's detailed plan, it was high time to announce the formal opening of the buffet carts containing the main dishes, but with the dance floor going so well, the three heavy-hitters among the hired helpers and volunteers had decided to give the dancers another five minutes or so.

Kristy chuckled at the sight of Stella and Regina wrapped up so tight there wasn't room for a printed stamp between them. "Opposites attract, huh?  I guess that's true for me and my Terri as well. But wouldya look at those two!"

"Yeah," Megan said with a grin as she took in the sight of the investigators swaying back and forth to the melodious, soulful classic.

Ruby checked her wristwatch a couple of times as the Saxy Ladies segued into another slow tune. "Okay, that's a good place to break off. It's time to declare the buffet open," she said and stepped forward to catch the attention of the lead member of the band.

As the brassy music came to a gradual halt that ended in an artistic flurry by the lead saxophonist, the wedding guests all cheered and clapped at the sight of the two couples finishing off with a pair of steamy kisses. It seemed there was a competition between them to hold it the longest; Stella and Regina moved apart first so they wouldn't steal the thunder of the new brides - and to avoid any unfortunate incidents or accidents in case the vacuum created by the liplock would set off another round of burping or hiccuping.

"Everybody!  May I have your attention, please!" Ruby tried, but she was overpowered by the unruly guests who began to mingle and yap as soon as the music had stopped.

The situation called for a little more volume, and it came through Megan Austin's ringside-proven pipes that could rattle any arena to the foundation: "People, listen up!  The buffet is now open!" she roared which earned her a loud cheer from the guests - and an unbridled one from S. Starr who zipped over to the nearest cart to be the first in line for all the good stuff.

"Thanks, Megan," Ruby said with a chuckle.

"You betcha. Gee, who'd a-thunk it that Stella would be there first, huh?"

Ruby, Megan and Kristy all chuckled at that before Ruby reached up to pat the broad backs of her assistants. "I'll be over in the bar in case anyone needs me."

"Sure thing, Ruby," Kristy said before she glanced at her own watch. "Aw hell, Terri's gonna be here pretty soon. Do ya think I can squeeze in front of Stella so I could get a plate of whatever the main dish is?"

"Mmmmm… I wouldn't bet on it. She's kind of territorial when it comes to food," Megan said with a knowing grin.

"You're probably right. I better not. I wouldn't wanna lose any of my street cred by having my ass whooped by a pint-sized Tinker Bell!"

The two impossibly tall, wide and bulky women let out a roar of laughter that caught the attention of the pint-sized Tinker Bell they were referring to. Stella seemed to understand that she had been the topic of the conversation, because she turned to her friends and flashed a wide grin that seemed to say, I got this and you don't… so there!

*

*

CHAPTER 5

The marquee tent was filled by all kinds of familiar sounds as the post-wedding bash really got underway. The Saxy Ladies entertained the newly-weds and their friends and relatives with a rousing medley of several of Glenn Miller's greatest hits; at the same time, the many pieces of cutlery used by the guests made a drum pattern of their own as they clicked continuously against countless plates.

Now and then, calls of Cheese! - or cheers! in some cases - were heard from the tables as a result of one of the two wedding photographers snapping even more candids of the many guests. The round tables provided a good framework for the guests to yap merrily, and many stories were duly exchanged. Most were funny or nostalgic, but there were a few somber ones of illnesses, lost loves and even divorces among the batch.

As always when a large group of people spent any amount of time together, some were quiet wallflowers and some were outgoing and animated. Some became even more animated as the afternoon progressed - and as the bottles were emptied - and one inebriated uncle of the Gutiérrez family needed to be driven home in a taxi cab following an unfortunate incident where he had believed the rear-end of a waitress was his private property to pat.

That particular incident had been the biggest bump in the road of the delightful afternoon and early evening, but another nearly came when one of the matronly aunts of another side-branch of the large Gutiérrez family insisted on showing her varicose veins and a vile bunion to one of the people at her table. The woman had already moved down her support stockings when the podiatrist in question - who was one of Laura's colleagues at the North Bay University - insisted that he was in no way, shape or form interested in seeing anyone's bunions, veins or any other kind of ailment while eating a delicious gazpacho soup. The aunt had become huffy and had moved to a different table in the hope of finding a more appreciative audience there.

The waiters continued to zip back and forth filling glasses and removing dirty plates; several of the buffet carts had already been cleared out and had been wheeled back to the catering truck. In the middle of all that, Miriam Johnston was busy taking an entire series of high-contrast black-and-white close-ups of the brides with the priceless Rosenblatt Ambassador. Felix Gorman shadowed her as a backup taking photos at similar angles with the digital equipment to get as much coverage as possible.

Regina was, as always, the center of attention at the table she shared with Stella, three distant relatives of the Cruz family and another of Laura's colleagues from the university. She had been enjoying a flute of chilled white wine and a light salad - bamboo sprouts, dried peas, sweet corn and slices of carrot all decorated with a few dashes of sour cream dressing - but had just finished it, and she was busy dabbing her lips on a napkin. "Yes, I was the main star at the 2000 Tokyo Starlight Show. I believe it was broadcast to forty countries which was a record at the time. In fact, I have always taken great pleasure in appearing at shows in the Far East. Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Hong Kong, Macao, Seoul, we've visited them all. Several places in Japan, as a matter of fact. My current business associate Steve Darrian was the second-billed star at a runway show we did at the foot of Mount Fuji. That was quite special," she said and flicked her perfect mermaid hair over her perfect shoulder. After it had landed in a perfect cascade, it earned her several sighs and starry eyes from the youngest of the three Cruz family members at the table.

Stella would normally have kept up a running commentary of somewhat scathing barbs at her sweetheart's tale, but the three warm wieners and the mountain of cold potato salad she was shoveling from her plate and into her trap didn't leave much room for speaking. Several empty cans of Slurrpy littered the table in front of her - a Cherry Cola Extra Cherry, a Pineapple Perfection and even a Super Summer Sweet Apple Twist had been cracked open and slurped - and she had pulled all the vital accessories closer to her so she could reach them without stretching herself too far: salt and pepper shakers, a small glass bottle of Tabasco, a medium-sized plastic bottle of mustard and an extra-large one of ketchup, and finally a vast pile of napkins for the inevitable spillages and accidents of the sticky kind.

The expertly-made, sour-cream-based potato salad required a fork to eat, but she grabbed the wieners with her fingers and dunked them in the mustard and the ketchup; the constant sequence of dunking-biting-chewing led to much nose-crinkling from the perennial food-snob Regina. Stella couldn't care less and dunked the next bite of her wiener in both the mustard and the ketchup before she bit off the end and chewed on it rigorously.

Someone somewhere clinked on their glass signaling a request for a break in the proceedings to hold a speech. Stella just had time to stuff the entire rest of her current wiener into her mouth so she wouldn't be the odd one - again - who continued to gobble-up and munch on the goodies while others spoke.

Wiping her fingers, mouth, chin, cheeks and finally her sore nose on the next napkin from the pile - it earned her a dramatic sigh from Regina - she leaned back in the seat to wait for the unknown person to deliver the announced speech. She couldn't help but break out in a grin when she caught a glimpse of the deep crinkle that was still placed prominently on Regina's nose at the sight of the yellow-and-red mess on the plate next to the white potato salad.

---

Stella's third tour to the buffet carts for a refill of the delicious potato salad proved to be a bust as the large bowl had already been emptied by the time she got there. She may have had something to do with that fact herself as she had certainly not left much to the other guests at her first two visits. Grunting, she moved onto the other carts to search for other dishes she would like to sample.

Since both families of the brides were of Hispanic descent, there was a large number of spicy traditional dishes that ranged from hot past hotter and hottest, and all the way up to so-hot-you'll-need-to-have-9-1-1-on-speed-dial-before-you-eat-any-of-it. Stella could take some spiciness, but not too much, so she steered clear of the dishes that carried a bright-red warning label. When a serving tray labeled Mild chili sin carne caught her eye, she snatched a medium-sized soup bowl and began to scoop up the delicious-looking casserole. Another soft drink followed in the shape of one of her beloved Slurrpy Raspberry Fizzes.

"More food, Stell?  Really?" Regina said out of the corner of her mouth as her sweetheart sat down at their table with the fully loaded soup bowl. Although the words were a statement of fact rather than an accusation, it could be heard as an undertone to her voice that she perhaps wasn't too enthusiastic about Stella's frequent trips to the buffet carts.

"More food, yes. It's free. Have you ever seen me reject free food, Reggie?"

"Ah, that would be a 'no'."

Stella let out a few snickers as she took in the delightful smell of the hot dish. "Oooooh, this is gonna be yummy!  You wanna sample my chili?" she said as she held up the bowl.

"No, thank you."

"You sure?"

"Fully. I've already had a salad."

"Aw-haw, the hummingbird's had a blip-bloppin' salad!" Stella said and did a triple-take at the hardly-eating model. The chili-dish looked to be easiest to eat with a spoon, so she took one and dug in. The first mouthful proved it was good, and she let out a moan of delight to prove it. "Ooooooh, I was right!  Yum-yummy-yummiest… it's great!"

"I'm happy for you. I didn't think you'd like a meatless dish, Stell."

The next spoonful stopped its progress halfway up to Stella's mouth. It sort-of hovered there for a moment or two like it couldn't decide whether to go further up, back down or somewhere else entirely; it ultimately dropped back down into the bowl. "Whaddaya mean a meatless dish?  This is a regular chili con carne, Reggie… so there!"

"Are you sure it said chili con carne?"

"Well, of course I am!  I'm almost positive. I tend to think it did. It may have… naw, it did. It definitely did. Possibly."

"And it didn't say chili sin carne instead?"

"Sin, con, sin, con, kin-son, King-Kong… what's the difference?"

"Con means 'with' in Spanish, 'sin' means without. Chili sin carne is a meatless chili. Do you see any meat in it?"

"I'm not that blind yet, Reggie… that's beef right there," Stella said and pointed the spoon at the bowl. A little voice at the back of her mind talked her into taking a closer look since Regina ordinarily knew what she was talking about when it came to vegetarian food. The casserole was studied with a laser-like focus. It had sweet corn, kidney beans, onions and all the other standard ingredients, but a closer inspection proved that Regina had been right.

What Stella had thought was meat wasn't - it was some kind of vegetable substitute that looked, smelled and even tasted like the real deal. "Well, I'll be a turtle's p-" - Munch - "Rip-a-rat-a-new-one, I guess I am blind… huh." - Munch. Munch. - "Weird. Oh… it's… ack-chew-ly…" - Munch, munch. Munch - "kinda…" - Munch-munch-munch - "yummy… so… ah, what the hay. You only die once," she continued before she dug into the 'chili without carne' with great gusto.

---

As the afternoon progressed, the traditional wedding speeches continued to be held at the various tables while the professional photographers were here, there and everywhere to capture it all on film or a memory card.

Some of the speakers were naturals in front of an audience and had them hanging onto every word; some were merely naturals in putting everyone to sleep. Others had relied on liquid courage to get them through the pages of text they had prepared - which typically made the experience somewhat disjointed and incoherent - while others again displayed more jittery nervousness than a pack of alley cats in a part of town ruled by Tha Woof-Woof-Dawggy Squad.

Everything proceeded according to the master plan, and it was soon Stella's turn to deliver the speech she had spent so long preparing. Her tummy had turned itself into a knot; that was expected and didn't pose much of a problem. What was a problem, however, was to be found up at the other end of her divine being: her throat. The vital part of the speaking process had contracted itself into a narrow funnel and simply refused to loosen up no matter how many times she tried to clear it.

Regina had repeatedly offered her sips of the can of Slurrpy Carbonated Mineral Water she was drinking from to clear the little problem, but Stella flat out refused to accept the kind offer - she and mineral water literally didn't mix, no matter how dramatic the surrounding issues were. In her words, the only thing mineral water was good for was to put out a fire, and she wasn't even sure about that.

Still, her throat didn't seem to be easy to talk into loosening up as even her beloved, all-purpose Raspberry Fizz could only trickle down the funnel. To clear her mind completely in the hope it might help she leaned back on the chair and listened intently to the Saxy Ladies playing an instrumental version of one of Adele's hits.

"Are you all right, Stell?" Regina whispered as she moved over toward the stricken investigator.

"I guess I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be," Stella said in a strangled voice that not even another sip of Raspberry Fizz could cure. "Dunno why, though. I mean, it's not that big of a deal, but… eh. I dunno. Thanks for asking, Snookums."

"Oh, you're very welcome. When is it your turn?"

"Two speeches from now…" - Cough, cough - "Actually, I'm kinda…" - Cough, cough - "kinda…" - Cough, cough - "Squeak. What-the-squeak?!  Squeak… squeak-squeak-squeak!"

Regina's eyes flew open at the weird squeaking that came from Stella's throat. For a split second, she thought it was a joke, but the look of sublime shock that spread over Stella's face with the speed of flowers blooming under the first sun in April proved it wasn't - the look of shock soon turned to one of annoyance which made it even more clear. "Stell?  Stell?!  What's going on?" she said and got up from the chair in case she needed to pull a Heimlich or something similar.

"Squeakin' squeak-squeak!  Squeeeeee-ak!  Squeakedy-squeak-squeaker!"

"Stell, I didn't get a word of that… or a squeak of that, if you want to be pedantic about it…"

"Ohhhhhhh!  Squeaker, squeak squeak squeakin' squeaker. Shhh-queak!"

The two women stared at each other with wide, disbelieving eyes for several long seconds before Stella smacked her forehead and let out another growly "Awwww, squeakedy-squeak!" - Regina settled for letting out a sigh that came from the bottom of her soul; then she needed to hide a smirk from her squeaking sweetheart.

"Oooookay," Regina said as she rubbed her chin. She looked around at the other guests in the hope that someone might have a suggestion for what she could do - the podiatrist would most likely be out of the question as the predicament was a few feet away from his regular field of expertise. In fact, nobody except Laura seemed to have noticed the little drama.

"Is Stella all right?" the new bride said from her spot at the main table.

"Oh yeah, sure. She's just a little squeaky at the moment…"

"Squeaker-squeakin' squeaker-" Stella squeaked in a somewhat surly fashion, but she was given a series of rapid, reassuring pats on the shoulder to calm down.

"Don't worry about it, Laura. She'll be fine," Regina said and waved dismissively. It earned her another squeak or three, but she pretended not to hear them as she continued: "You should definitely look forward to the speech. It's great."

"Yeah… okay," Laura said and sat down again. She cast a few worried glances at her old friend before she went back to dunking a celery stick into a bowl of guacamole dip.

Regina gave Laura a closing thumbs-up before she turned back to Stella. "Maybe Ruby will know what to do… it can't hurt to ask. Okay, Stell… let's get you on your squeaks. I mean feet. Ups-a-squeaky-"

"Squeak!"

"Sorry," Regina said with a grin before she and the dejected Stella shuffled out of the marquee tent to find a remedy for the squeaky condition. The Saxy Ladies chose that moment to play an old party favorite, Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep by the 1970s-era Scottish pop band Middle Of The Road, but that was entirely unintentional.

-*-*-*-

Ruby Albrecht sat at her regular spot at the far end of the shiny bar counter when the glass door opened and Regina and Stella walked in. Although Rockin' Ruby's was closed for outside business for the duration of the post-wedding bash, all the hired helpers and volunteers who didn't want to take up space among the guests had reconvened to the popular establishment to have a drink or two and eat sandwiches the caterers had made especially for them.

Given the large amount of people who had helped set up everything over the course of the day, the bar was just as full as it always was - though perhaps with a slightly different clientele as a couple of guys sat in one of the booths holding hands.

Debbie Schwartz and Samantha Welles were also there. They sat in the same booth where they had first met during a Valentine's Day event at the establishment, and they had already moved onto the next step after holding hands and were lost to the world. After finishing their driving duties, Debbie, Samantha and Caitlin O'Herlihy had returned to Ruby's in case their services would be needed once more, but the trio had been reduced to a duo somewhere along the way. They had lost the leather-clad charmer when she had encountered a very nice, young lady who was interested in getting to know everything about Caitlin's gold '69 Beetle - or something.

The entire row of tall bar stools at the counter was occupied by tired volunteers who ate pretzels and salty nuts while enjoying Ruby's draught beer. Most of the helpers were dressed in work clothes, so everyone in the peanut gallery at the counter turned to gawk at the elegant, party-clad women who entered the bar.

"Hi, Reggie," Ruby said and closed the newspaper she had been reading. "Tired of all the fancy-schmancy champagne?"

"Not exactly… we've got a little problem with Stella here," Regina said as she reached up to muss the mortified Stella's shaggy mop of hair.

"Oh?"

"Squeak. Squeakin'-squeak-squeak-squeaker. Squeak, squeak. Huh-shhhhh-queeeeeak…" Stella squeaked and shook her head in the saddest fashion possible. The corners of her mouth went sharply south until they were at the level of her chest. Letting out a deep, deep, deep sigh, she leaned her head forward and shook it a little more.

The entire row of volunteers at the counter stopped what they were doing at the exact same time and spent the next several seconds gawking so hard at the squeaking investigator that the good, old Mexican party band Los Criquetteyos began playing La Cucaracha. The happy music called for a few snacks, so the pretzels, salty nuts and beers were soon consumed once more.

"Oooookay," Ruby said and got up from her regular spot.

"That's what I said!" Regina said with a broad grin as she pushed the sighing Stella ahead of her toward their regular booth at the far end of the row. Along the way, she waved to Debbie and Samantha who waved back while they gawked at the squeak-affected investigator.

Once Stella's rear was safely onto the curved seat of the plush, red velvet bench, Regina leaned down to place a kiss on her sweetheart's forehead. "Don't worry, Stell. We'll soon have you squeaking-"

"Sque-?!"

"Sorry… speaking once more," Regina said with a grin and a series of exaggerated winks that made Stella poke out her tongue at her.

"Squeak… squeakedy-squeak… squeak…"

"I know, Stell. Just calm down. We'll find your voice again, I promise," Regina continued as she ran her slender fingers across Stella's flushed forehead. She came to a brief halt where she appeared to be thinking hard about something; then she carried on the tender caress. "Or a voice, anyway. How knows, we may end up with Bugs Bunny… ehhhh, what's up, Squeak?"

"Squeak?!  Squeak!  Squeak-squeak-squeaker… squeakin'-de-squeak-squeak!"

Smirking at her own joke, Regina added another kiss for good measure. "Just kiddin', Stell. Ruby?"

"I'm on it," the owner of the friendliest women-only bar in all of Bay City said. She came out from behind the counter holding a book titled 101 Remedies For Hangovers & Other Calamities.

Stella sat idly by while Regina and Ruby leafed through the book. When they didn't seem to have too much success in finding a solution that could reverse the current predicament, she let out a sigh and slipped her elegant smoking jacket off the shoulders of her equally elegant black V-neck tunic. Once she was a little more liberated, she moved her legs up, shuffled around and made herself comfortable on the plush, curved bench with her hands behind her head. "Awww-squeak. Squeak squeak squeak, squeakedy-squeak-squeaker…"

"That's so true, Stell," Regina said, looking up from the book of remedies. "Life's a squeak and then you squeak."

Stella scrunched up her face until it had been reduced to half its original size. Staring up at the inner roof of the booth, she mouthed a lengthy reply to Regina's quip, but all that came out of it was a muted squeak or two.

"Oh," Ruby said as she moved an index finger across the lines of text on one of the pages, "here's something… cactus juice."

"Squeaker-squeak?!  Nuh-squeak-uh!"

Regina and Ruby both looked at the supine woman shaking her head vigorously before they put their noses back into the book. "Okay, hold the cactus juice," Ruby continued as they read on.

---

Part 3

Bard's Page

Back to the Academy