Disclaimers: You know all this, it's always the same!! The story is mine, characters too; they look like them but they're not.
Two women, more than friends. No violence, very little cursing and a little more sex, and this time, just a little more graphic.
Angst warning: Ok, I added this because my last story turned out sadder than intended and some people told me they would have liked to be forewarned. Here it goes: This is not the happiest story I've ever written either; but, as a very accurate reader told me, reality isn't always happy.
And this one is real.
Enjoy and your comments will be always welcome and treasured at siel_le_dain@hotmail.com
To Pol, my trusty sidekick throughout this entire mess my life has turned into.
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken"
CS Lewis
How could I have been so blind? So cowardly stupid? So proud..., so scared.
Why didn't I ever realize I needed her? How could I even dare think I could live through all I had without her helping me, supporting me…, or maybe just comforting me?
I was so afraid to let my feelings show, I just forgot why they were there in the first place.
And foolishly thought I could do it all at once...,
leaving
forgetting
grieving
...dying.
Lorraine was the first woman in my life. After I got past the fears and apprehensions about me so desperately loving and wanting another woman, I accepted the fact that I was gay; I embraced it and we got off to the seven-year relationship that changed my world, and my life.
I now smile remembering the way my stomach would try major acrobatics just upon seeing her smile; or the way my heart would skip some beats when I sneaked some glances and caught her brushing her long blonde hair; and the way she would catch me and smile seductively at me, and I would quickly look down, fully aware of the furious blush on my face…
At the time I didn't even know what was happening to me.
And all the subtext comments... Yeah, call me naive (or stupid if you will) but in the beginning I didn't notice there was much more to things like dedicating songs or walking by the beach hand in hand.
Until one day, we were going out with a group of friends and I knew something had changed At least inside me.
Our ride became very quiet without me doing any talking and with her probably wondering what the hell had gotten into me that day.
Oh booze! Blessed it be. Until this day I wonder: would have I told her what I did if I hadn't drunk that much, and therefore, had plenty of the courage I usually lack of?
Ok, I'll grant you this. A pub is not the most romantic place on Earth to declare one's love, but it was the one I had at the moment. And even though she was always the one trying to get at me, I know she was as scared as I was and probably waiting for me to make the first move. So I did. And asked her if this teasing game we were continuously playing meant anything for her. Cause it did for me and I needed to know. I couldn't go on playing, I wanted more..., I wanted her for real.
I'll never forget the look on her eyes, nor her stance. She was leaning on the wall, her hand covering her mouth, not trusting her voice. Good thing at the time alcohol prevented me from thinking she was in shock or something. Later I would find out she was just waiting for me to shut up and kiss her. Yes, I sometimes talk too much.
Eventually I did, and I will always recall the feelings her lips upon mine brought. The way passion grew inside stronger than ever before, sobering me and etching itself in my memory for ever.
Unfortunately, reality had called and both of us had to return to each other's homes; and here I have some explaining to do. In my country, when you go to University or to some other further education institution, you just go to classes everyday as you do when you're in school. There are no dorms or any kind of dwelling on campus. If you have to move to a different city or state, either you go live with relatives or you rent a room at some lodging house.
I had moved from the capital city and I was living with an aunt. Lorraine lived with her parents in a small town about 30 miles from college.
So our ride back was kind of sad and awkward as both of us wondered what lied ahead.
She'd called me later that day and I helplessly witnessed my brain turn to mush as I couldn't utter a word. Is there anything more difficult than trying to maintain a phone conversation when the connection between your brain and your mouth has been severed? But it didn't matter, because I just knew she was at the other end and all I need was to feel she was there, and that both of us wanted more than a couple of stolen alcohol-induced kisses.
I couldn't sleep that night. The kisses we had shared had only increased the want in me, the need...and the giant butterflies' circus in my stomach.
Our very first obstacle was the weekend.
That Sunday my aunt and uncle had planned a nice one-day-trip to some country club outside the city. They had been planning it for almost a week, the same time I had been planning on not going and have Lorraine come over.
I believe up to this very day, they never bought my 'I have so much to study' excuse. But it worked anyway, cause they left and I got to stay waiting for something I didn't even know.
She arrived at the house forty minutes after my family had left.
I remember being so nervous; that was the first day we'd met after our first kiss, and even though I'd busted my brain trying to come up with a plan, the only thing I had was an overwhelming feeling of awkwardness.
Don't get me wrong, this nervousness was not related to her being a woman as much as the fact that I had never wanted anybody as desperately as I wanted her.
Although she surprised me as hell, it was definitely a good thing she took the first step.
When I was in the kitchen retrieving some glasses, and of course, taking much longer than necessary, she came in and in a swift maneuver, took the glasses from my hands, pinned me to the fridge door and kissed me, I have to say, like I'd never been kissed before.
Our kisses at the pub had been tentative, almost shy. But now, all my insecurities flew away as her tongue crossed the barriers of my lips and sought mine.
I could have died right then and there if not for the fact that a fire I didn't know existed had been ignited inside my body.
Second surprise caught me completely off guard.
We broke off, our eyes locked and she studied me for some seconds.
I could feel the twinkle in my eyes at these new horizons that were appearing before me and all the new possibilities that could come, that was until she said the three words I was not expecting..., at least not that day.
"I love you"
I froze as my mind registered everything: the look in her beautiful green eyes, her words, the tone in them and the way she was expecting me to say something back. My instinct commanded me to say something like 'I love you too', but my brain, always in the middle, rang all the warning alarms.
Waitaminute!!! If you say you love her, you have to really mean it...ok? So, do you love her...?
I searched my heart and only came up with: I like her, I want her, I could really spend a lot of time with her, I'll fight for her though I know is gonna be hard..., but I love her never came.
Lorraine, thinking I'd probably hadn't heard her, repeated her words, more firmly this time. But I'd heard her, only that I didn't find the right reply.
She kept looking into my eyes and saw the confusion and I'll always be glad for what she did next...
She just went on kissing me.
My brain, however, had been set to work and it kept looking for the reason I hadn't said anything. Did I love her? I cared for her deeply; I wanted her badly (haven't I made that clear yet?); I really, really wanted to spend a lot of time with her and had mentally prepare for hell breaking loose in my family when they saw me paired up with a girl.
No, I love her was nowhere to be found.
Once I had that settled with my brain I just decided to let go and gladly revel in the endless kissing.
We actually did kiss for hours; I don't think we ever left the couch during the whole afternoon.
Time came for both her and my family to return home. When she was getting ready to leave, our eyes locked again for a long minute.
Right then, looking into those green orbs that would haunt me for years to come, I made my choice. It felt right to me, we felt right together and no one was going to tell me otherwise.
I recognized the fear in her eyes, the fear for us, for our future, for a relationship that was not going to be easy. But as I said, I had already made up my mind about what I wanted. I wanted her in my life. Against all odds.
If someone had told me at that point we were not going to work, I had never believed them; for I was determined to make it work and, at the time, I really believed she was too.