They make camp, still miles away from a village. Gabrielle can sense a difference in Xena. The warrior is quiet now and there is the edge of worry in her blue eyes. In her heart of hearts, Gabrielle knows what is wrong and she wants to comfort Xena. But she holds back... To get too close again would break me...
Any conversation is kept to basics – food, fire, sleep. Gabrielle thought she could handle this, this gap between her and Xena. Instead of it helping, it is only hurting. The anger is leaving, the frustration ebbing away... Only sadness, that is all Gabrielle can feel.
Xena begins to remove her armor and Gabrielle must look away.
To see her body, as I have so many times, would only haunt me now...
Xena feels the war inside of herself. The tug of the old and the pull of the new... And an array of emotions bombard her. Anger... at change, at holding back, at Gabrielle’s distance. Sadness... at waiting so long, at the thoughts of Gabrielle disappearing from her life for good. The last emotion, however, is not new. Not really.
Love. Heart-shattering, life-altering love. Xena has come close to it, has been near enough to feel its heat. But now... now, it is here. And the denial of it is putting Xena against the ropes.
To fight the shifting tide? Or to let go, to let it wash over her and see where she lands? She looks over at Gabrielle’s turned away face... and things become so obvious now. Why didn’t I see it? That she would be the one to change it all for me...
Words, however, are not quick in coming. Xena finds a tightness in her chest and a dryness in her throat. She is not used to being apprehensive, to not knowing the outcome of a situation.
Damn it all...
Throughout the evening, Gabrielle ignores her own strong wants. She wants to talk to Xena, to tell her that nothing else matters... That just to be with the warrior is enough... But Gabrielle knows she would regret it later. So, she keeps away.
Xena watches her, though. Every time Gabrielle moves, she can feel those eyes on her. And despite Gabrielle’s best efforts, she can feel her heartbeat accelerate with that gaze on her back.
What am I to do? How can I keep this up... when I want so badly to be with her? If only I could make a decision and stick to it...
Gabrielle closes her eyes. There is no way she can do it... It is tearing her up. But she cannot share Xena, that is not possible. That means... it means... Dear Gods, how can I walk away?
And the tears fall whether she wants them to or not.