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Chapter Five: "The Journeys Begin"
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Whilst Gabrielle prepares to go on her quest, Xena begins a journey of her own.
Xena rolls over and mumbles. "Gabrielle." Not quite awake, it takes her a moment to realize that something is different. She opens her eyes and sees that she has been enveloped by some type of fog. Except there is no moisture in this fog. Her fighting instincts kick in propelling her to her feet. Everywhere she looks is white, even the kimono she is now wearing is pure white. "What the...?" "I'm obviously not in Hades, so where am I?"
A familiar voice obscured by the fog answers her question. "Everywhere and Nowhere."
Xena looks in the direction in which she thinks the voice came. A slim form materializes before her. "Akimi?" "What is this place?" "Did you bring me here?"
Akimi smiles that sweet, disarming smile of hers. "You look beautiful, Xena." "I missed you."
"I missed you too but, what's going on?" "Where are we?"
"Where spirits such as yours wait to find out if they will be permitted to cross over."
"Akimi, I've been dead before, up in Heaven even, and it was nothing like this." "Who is making this decision, anyway?"
"In your case, the villagers of Higuchi."
"The villagers?" "But, I'm not from Japa."
"No, you most definitely are not, but because you gave up your life for them, they will be allowed to decide your fate."
"Why now?" "Why not wait until Gabrielle arrives at Amphipolis?"
"The time to bring you back is quickly approaching." "Gabrielle will have one opportunity and that is all."
"You mean, it's possible for me to return to Gabrielle?" "Flesh and blood and not a ghost?"
"Yes, if you so choose."
"I don't understand." "You told me that I needed to stay dead so that the villagers would be able to cross over."
"Yes, what I told you was the truth at that time, but that truth has changed."
"Why?" "What's changed?"
"One from your world has come here to plead for your return and to take your place."
"Who would...?" Xena's heart sinks. There is only one person she knows of who would make such a sacrifice. She panics and grabs Akimi by the shoulders. "Tell me it isn't Gabrielle!" "Tell me she isn't going to sacrifice herself for me!"
Akimi answers her calm as a cucumber. "I cannot tell you who it is, but I can tell you that it is not Gabrielle." "It is necessary for her to stay in your world so she can return you to your earthly form." "She is safe." "Come, I will show you."
She takes Xena's hand and leads her through the fog. Xena looks around trying to get her bearings, but the fog is so thick, if Akimi wasn't holding her hand, she'd never know that she was beside her. They don't walk far before the fog dissipates, revealing what appears to be a grassy field. In the middle of the field is a glass bowl half filled with water and perched on a golden stand. Akimi leads Xena over to the bowl. "Look." Xena does and sees Gabrielle standing near the bow of a boat, the wind gently tousling her hair. She is staring out at the water lost in thought. Deerdra is behind her steering the boat and enjoying the view.
Akimi explains. "Through this water you will be able to watch Gabrielle on her quest to return you to her."
"So, Gabrielle knows what to do?"
"Not yet, but she is with the one who will help her in finding out."
Xena clenches her teeth. "Deerdra." "Does she need to be there?"
"Oh, yes!" "Without her, Gabrielle will most assuredly fail."
"Gabrielle is pretty smart, she can figure out things on her own."
"Yes, but Deerdra speaks the language and knows the area." "She will be able to find the one who will tell them what needs to be done."
"Which is?"
"I am not allowed to tell you any more." "You must wait and see what happens." "This is Gabrielle's journey." "She must prove her worthiness before you will be allowed to return."
"So this is a test."
"Yes." "Her success or failure will depend on how well she uses the skills that you have taught her."
Xena puffs up with pride. "Then I'm as good as home."
Akimi remains coy. "We shall see."
* * * * * * * *
Gabrielle is standing on the bow of the boat,the wind softly blowing her hair, lost in thought. Deerdra is behind her steering away from Lorrania's dock where four ships are moored with a fifth one almost sea ready, all five are for evacuation purposes only. "Dinar for your thoughts."
"Huh?"
"I was telling you that we just passed Lemnos." "Where were you just now?"
"Oh, sorry." "I was thinking about Xena."
"I thought as much." "We're coming up on Lesbos now." "Have you ever been there?"
"No, I haven't."
"It's beautiful." "I'll have to take you after we get back--when Sapho is in residence, that is."
"I almost got to hear her read her poetry, but Xena and I missed her by one day." "Xena did have her write a poem for me for my birthday."
"Your own special poem, nice." "About how your green eyes sparkle in the sunlight, no doubt."
Gabrielle blushes, "It was sweet," then changes the subject. "How fast are we going?"
Deerdra smiles. "It looks to be about thirty knots." She teases. "Are you in a hurry?"
"Just eager to find out if what Mary saw could be true."
"We'll be there in no time--if the winds are favorable." She looks to the sky. "And I think they will be very favorable."
Night falls and they drop anchor to get some shut-eye. At least, Deerdra is in bed. Gabrielle has tip-toed back onto the deck and is starring at the stars. "Xena, where are you?" "I hope that you can hear me because I want to apologize for stomping out on you." "I realize now that you were trying to say goodbye." "I don't know, maybe part of me knew and that's why I got so mad." "Ever since we met, you've been training me for this day, the day I fill your shoes." "Problem is, they're too big for me."
"I'll try, no one can take your place." "I am getting pretty tired, though." "Tired of all the fighting, of constantly being on guard, of not knowing who to trust." "I don't know, maybe I just need to have some fun, to be silly and laugh." "It seems like forever since I laughed." She sighs and closes her eyes, taking in the stillness of the evening air. "Come back to me, Xena." "I miss you so much, I hurt inside." "My life won't be the same without you in it."
"Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle spins around. "Xena!" She rushes over, hugs her hard then gives her a nice warm kiss. As they part, she realizes that she's made a huge mistake.
"Oh my gosh, Deerdra!"
Embarrassed, Gabrielle quickly backs away and nearly falls overboard.
"Whoa there, hot lips." "It's a little late for a swim."
"I am so sorry." "I thought..."
"Hey, no need to explain." "You can kiss me anytime."
This doubles Gabrielle's embarrassment, so Deerdra plays it up.
"I understand." "You were thinking about someone you care about." "It's probably been a long time since you've seen Draco." "You two were married after all."
"What?" "Draco?"
Deerdra bursts out laughing. "Gotcha!" " I know you were married to Perdicus." "Had you going, though."
Gabrielle playfully punches her in the arm. "You rat."
"I had to do something, you were about to apologize yourself right off the boat."
"I know." "I just thought...sorry."
"Don't be." "You miss her, I understand."
Gabrielle doesn't want to talk about Xena right now. She clears her throat. "Perdicus, wow." "I had a What If moment about him the other day." "What If Callisto hadn't killed him after our wedding day."
Deerdra considers this for a moment. "Oh, you would be happy for a while but you'd start to miss Xena and end up leaving him to go and find her."
"Yeah, you're probably right." "Our souls are intertwined." "So, is she your What If?"
"Who?"
"The young woman who came between you and your brother."
"How did...?" "Oh." "Mary."
"Don't be angry with her." "I asked what was going on between you and Lor." "Why he is so bitter toward you?"
Deerdra turn away and looks out over the ocean. She tenses up, clenching the railing in a death grip.
Gabrielle walks over and gently touches her shoulder. "I'm sorry." "Mary said you didn't like to talk about it."
Deerdra bows her head and sighs. "No, I'll tell you about her." "Her name was Stephany."
She faces Gabrielle. "It all started after Lor and I witnessed and survived the slaughter of our entire family by a band of nameless thugs who, by the way are no longer with us." "We were devistated...and very angry."
"We took a couple of horses and tore through the countryside going from village to village and beating the crap out of anyone who challenged us, usually the local bullies." "The people were grateful and gave us things." "We accepted what they offered then took whoever and whatever we wanted." She sighs and slumps her shoulders.
"It got to the point where they couldn't tell the difference between the bad guys and Lor and me."
So far, Gabrielle isn't shocked by Deerdra's story. It seems as though everyone she has known has had a dark past. She is curious to know one thing. "Did you ever kill an innocent?"
Deerdra cringes at the question. "Not on purpose."
That's not the answer Gabrielle wanted to hear, but again, she's not surprised.
Deerdra tries to explain. "When I fight, I loose myself." "Faces blur, time stands still, and all I feel is anger." "Needless to say, Lor was the level headed one." "Our marauding ways came to a screeching halt the moment we 'saved' the village of Emmaline."
Gabrielle nods. "She was there."
"Yes." "While we were fighting off the raiders, one of them got in a lucky shot and Lor's leg was injured." "It wasn't life threatening, but he wasn't able to ride." "And since our reputation preceded us, we were allowed to stay...in an old decrepit barn, way outside of the village, and with no contact of said villagers."
"You can't blame them for being cautious."
"I didn't." "I was as eager as they were for us to leave." "A local priest came by every day and tended to Lor's wound." "He'd normally come by himself but one day, he brought her."
"Stephany."
"I tell you, the moment she walked in the door, time-and my heart-stopped." "She looked like an angel." "Her hair was long and curly and she was wearing a white flowing dress." "Unfortunately, she was also having the same affect on Lor."
"Ah, jealousy." "It's torn so many lives apart." "Is that what happened with you and Lor?"
"I wish it was something that simple." "She started coming by instead of the priest." "I'd hang around and try to impress her which angered Lor." "She loved all the attention we gave her, but I knew she favored him over me."
"So, you were the jealous one?"
"No, I was disappointed but happy for Lor--this being his first love and all." "However, the longer we stayed, the more restless I became." "I was just itching for a fight." She chuckles. "You should have seen the men scatter when I entered the tavern." She pauses, relishing the memory. Her smile fades as she continues.
"Eventually, Lor's wound healed and we were ready to move on." "Somehow Stephany convinced her father to let her come with us." "Why is beyond me." "But, what Stephany wanted, Stephany got." "She did as one thing of us, to not kill anyone--ever." "Have you ever tried fighting off a band of thugs and not kill any of them, even by accident?"
Gabrielle thinks back on all of the fights she has been in. "It is difficult but not impossible." "You have to be creative and show restraint." "As long as we're talking warlords and not an actual war, that is." "It sounds like she was trying to reform you."
"I think that was her argument to convince her father, that she could change us, to have us fight for the good."
"It looks like she had some success." "You only killed one man out of three when we met."
"Lor changed, but it took her death to change me."
Now Gabrielle understands Deerdra's heavy heart. "Oh."
"I tried, I truly tried." "But my anger would build up after every fight." "It felt like I had a hot, heavy weight pressing against my chest and if I didn't get it off soon, I would burst." "Then one night..." She clears her throat. "Then one night, I blew."
"Oh, Deerdra."
"Stephany started feeling poorly, so we set up camp out in the middle of nowhere." "Just a campfire and her tent surrounded by grassy hills." "Lor and I took turns tending to her, but she kept getting worse." "And before you ask, No, I didn't have my potion bag."
"People get sick all the time, Deerdra." "You can't save them all."
"The illness isn't what killed her, Gabrielle." "I was standing outside one evening and thought I heard the clanking of metal, like during a sword fight." "I asked Lor if he heard it and he said no." "I chalked it up to the ale I had drank that was given to us from the last village we were in." "That maybe it had gone bad." "But the longer I stood there, the louder the fighting got and I started to hear men shouting." "Lor swore he couldn't hear it." "I thought I was loosing my mind." "Then it happened."
She closes her eyes and thinks back to that fateful night:
Deerdra is outside of Stephany's tent, pacing. She ducks inside to check on her and her heart sinks. The once vibrant, young woman was now pale and emaciated. Her eyes are closed as Deerdra kneels beside her and takes her hand. Stephany opens her eyes and one look tells her that something is terribly wrong. "What's troubling you, love?"
"It's that infernal battle I keep hearing."
"Lor has reassured me that there is not a battle going on." "You're just tired, sweet." "Come, lay down and rest."
"I can't sleep with all that--can't you hear it?" She jumps to her feet. "They're right outside!" She dashes out of the tent.
"Deerdra, wait!"
"I didn't listen." "I ran out of there like my pants were on fire." "Lor tried to stop me, but it was no use." "I could smell the blood and the sweat mixed in with freshly turned dirt." "I could feel the cold steel blade in my hands along with the recoil of every blow." "My blood was racing and my heart was pounding." "I tore through the field and scrambled up an embankment and there they were." "A hundred men fighting, illuminated by a large bonfire."
"Had you noticed a large fire before?"
"No, but at that point, reason and common sense were strangers to me."
"I raised my sword and yelled as I ran down the hill." "Someone yelled 'Death to all Romans!' "That's when I saw the uniforms." "Before I knew it, I had sliced and diced my way into their base camp." "I saw that a lamp was on in the general's tent, so I crept up to the tent's flap and had my dagger ready to strike." "When I ducked in, he was lying on a bed and looked very ill." "I chuckled then said, 'Feeling poorly, are we?' 'How about I put you out of your misery?' "Just as he turned and looked at me, I raised the dagger over my head and whispered 'Victory.' "He held up his hand and yelled 'Deerdra!' "I plunged the dagger into his chest then the room started to spin." "I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, I was standing over Stephany." "She was covered in blood and my dagger was buried into her chest." "I stood there confused and horrified wondering what in the world was going on." "I kneeled beside her bed and tried to say something, but words failed me." "With her last bit of strength, she took my hand and whispered 'I forgive you.'
Deerdra clears her throat to ward off the tears. Gabrielle doesn't know what to say.
She finishes up her story. "The rest is a blur." "Lor burst in, saw the dagger and Stephany, and then beat me to a pulp." "When I came to, he was gone and has hated me ever since."
"By the gods, Deerdra." "I'm so sorry." She gives her a big hug. "How...why did it happen?"
"I assumed someone tampered with the ale but I found out much later that Discord and Strife were playing games."
"Why?" "Well, that was a stupid question." "Why did the gods do anything?"
"You know them." "Boredom, jealousy, because they can."
"How did you find out?"
"Would you believe the Goddess of War herself came down and apologized."
"Athena apologizing to a mortal?" "She must have had an ulterior motive to even care."
"She wanted to recruit me into her army." "I told her I had had enough fighting and she eventually left." "I tell you, Xena did the world a favor by killing Discord and Strife." "I owe her one or in this case, two." "So, that's my sob worthy What If." "Now back to you."
"What about me?"
"Is Xena's death another one of your What Ifs?"
"But what if I had went ahead and poured her ashes into the fountain?" "She'd be here instead of--wherever."
"True, but you would've ticked off Xena and had a bunch of angry spirits haunting you for the rest of your life."
Gabrielle sighs. "You're right." "I just miss her, that's all."
Deerdra put her arm around Gabrielle's shoulder and holds her tight. "Those darn What If's." "All they're good for is to keep you up at night and prevent your heart from healing."
"There is one thing about Xena's death that bothers me, though."
"What?"
"The village burning to the ground wasn't entirely her fault, yet she's the one who gets punished." "It doesn't seem right."
"I didn't agree with her decision either, but I understood why she did it so I honored her wishes, no matter how much it hurt."
"I get that part, but these spirits sound pretty self righteous to me."
Gabrielle's face lights up. "That's it!" "That's why she's going to be allowed to come back!" "They realize their part in the destruction of Higuchi and are going to let Xena return."
Deerdra chuckles at her optimism.
"What?" "It's possible."
"It is possible and according to Mary, probable, but it's also a What If."
"Wow, that didn't even occur to me."
Deerdra tries her hand at being optimistic. "Maybe it's a What If that we can actually make happen."
"Do you think that's possible?"
"We'll soon find out."
*CONTINUED*
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