Lauracy began by spoofing “the Divine Ms Nutbread Lunacy” as companion
reviews to the Merwulf spoof fake updates. Below you will find links and her reviews,
which are a story in themselves.
Lauracy’s Review of
Fake Update to Tropical Storm 1 - The Rescue by Merwulf
DISCLAIMER: I am only borrowing my "reviewer" status from the Divine
nutbread Lunacy. Consider me a lowly turnip loaf in the Merwolfverse. All recommendations
below should be held under great suspicion and observed for tendency towards latent
lather.
Story: Tropical Storm- the Rescue a FAKE UPDATE by Merwulf
Rating: Make sure you have a change of shorts handy!
I returned from a sabbatical in search of shrine materials and was ecstatic to find
Merwulf's latest UBER uber updates loosely based on the Tropical Swarm saga. They are
posted on the MerwolfPack list and should be read immediately by any of you who are not
drinking at the computer. Go! The rest of you should position your keyboard shower curtain
to safeguard equipment from flying beverages and other debris.
The story has developed a new insidious enemy for Dar and Kerry to battle in their fight
to keep hold of their names. These borg would be more menacing if Dar were drugged silly
with her limbs chained while being suspended upside down in a barrel of lime jello going
Mach3, but manage to keep up their threat as we ponder how many borg Dar can take out
before Kerry comes in swinging.
Head Count: We are waiting with bated breath for MaryD to position herself near a
tub of chocolate milk. The beheadings thus far have been nice clean rolls for her to scoop
up and add to her collection. And the count is up to 2.5 (if only Karl had been better
endowed.) Promises of more sensational body chopping will have you drooling.
Merwulf's latest work has my nomination for the 1998 Bar None Soap of Shameless Silliness.
Shower On Pups!
Lauracy’s Review of Fake Update to Tropical Storm 2 - The Detroit
Incident by Merwulf
DISCLAIMER: Still borrowing my "reviewer" status from the Divine nutbread
Lunacy. Consider me a crumb of Cuban Egg McMuffin in the Merwolfverse. All recommendations
below should be held under great suspicion and observed for tendency towards latent
lather.
Story: Tropical Storm-The Detroit Incident, Another Fake Update by Merwulf
Rating: 4.5 showers
Prepare yourself for laughing to blissful incontinence. Merwulf has managed to add another
"uber" layer in her latest update loosely based on the Tropical Smarm saga. It
is posted on the MerwolfPack list. Put down your caffe con leche and go read!
With her latest ricochet, Merwulf explores the very underpinnings of Tropical Smarm and
answers our questions about the mysterious redirection through Detroit. Several
Merwolfologers had speculated that Dar and Kerry switched planes in Detroit to check on a
company that manufactures extra wide couches. Merwulf's piece offers startling new
evidence about the plot behind the plot.
You are certain to be delighted by the modern references which make the read a truly
twisted glass of chocolate milk. The only point I can reveal without spoiling the segment
is that our duo was able to keep their original names, a very difficult task for anyone
who has been through Detroit.
Head Count: MaryD will need to turn in one of her head trophies to collect. Since it was a
be-healing this time, she could pick up the offending slipper if she left a bit of
something for Mr. TPTB to mount in his lovely new LA palace.
"Another Fake Update" gets two pieces of ambrosia on the Mount Olympus Express
above my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION. Shower On Pups!
Lauracy’s Review of Fake Update to Hurricane Watch - The Lost
Chapter by Merwulf
***Warnings and Disclaimers***
There is darkness ahead, but not the kind that makes you drool for a bus. And its not the
kind of darkness in which thrills chase down your spine as you coast around at
breathtaking speeds trying to relax in the softest of cocoons. Its more of a "dead of
night in downtown Miami in the rain" kind of darkness. Before the lightning strike.
No cats were gutted in this review, but you might wish for one when you read the
story.....just for the comic relief.
FAKE UPDATE: HURRICANE WATCH: THE LOST CHAPTER by Merwulf
The mistress of illusion strikes again with a story of black humour that is so dark it
makes you wonder if you're still in the cave with our original recipe duo.....until you
smell the mildewed calamine lotion. Never has NOT even wanting to "Go There"
been so much fun. In THE LOST CHAPTER, Merwulf takes on a ride that makes all
unmentionable body parts cringe simultaneously. But its a nice kind of cramping. The
vengeance she extracts on Slime did in fact reach 3.5 heads on MaryD's Warrior Potatohead
scale. Unless you are afraid of the dark, DO NOT MISS this tale of doom. Located at the
MerwolfPack archives at onelist.com
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In the following scene snips the ******** are a unique reversal in which I explore the
"fade to light" qualities that are hidden between the black and looming lines:
1. Too bad he was reduced to wearing his worst shorts. They'd been a joke present in the
first place and they'd seen better days, even before the pink lotion stains. He'd put
everything in the laundry before coming to work and forgotten to pop it into the dryer in
his excitement to expose Dar and present her with his ultimatum.
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The thought of Slimy Steve's worst shorts.....I didn't want to shine any light in that
direction, but I am compelled by a latent evil streak to share my view. The gift shorts
were black faux silk boxers with little cigars that say, "I'm to sexy for my
shorts"
2. apparently as they were all either: washing their hair, suddenly gotten married,
decided they were gay, moving tomorrow out of state, or throwing up with that
"bug" going around. Even Skippy, the camp counsellor, had told him she was going
in for the first of her sex change operations.
************************************************************************
CPTSKIP, when do we start calling you ma'am??
3. He slammed his fist down on the desk and screamed in pain. Jerking his injured hand
back up, he smacked himself in the already-broken nose and almost passed out. It was the
itch that finally distracted him from the stars dancing around his head. Dazed, he reached
to scratch himself again, forgetting he still held a pencil and stabbed himself adding
insult to injury. This time he did pass out.
************************************************************************
Looks like Steve was smacking HIMSELF with a 2x4 but still didn't end up with a clue.
4. Eleanor stormed into Steve's office to find him face down on the desk, clutching his
crotch and obviously, to her, passed out from some obscene autoerotic activity. Indignant,
she ran out, heading for Mari's office to file a complaint. She was horrified that a woman
of her breeding should be expected to work with animals like this. Well, she'd see him
fired. Imagine!!! Doing that at his desk!!! And she imagined it all the way to
Mari's office.
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Whereas another bard that rhymes with "Merwulf" writes about a loving, sacred
bond, the bond shared by Steve and Eleanor makes the one's stomach crawl like sentient
mildew. Aaaaiiiieeee!
5. There was a tallish woman sitting across the waiting room from him. She was typing into
a laptop and snickering to herself.
***********************************************************************
Speaking of the other Merwolf.....
6. unlocked the door to his apartment. The reek mildew and rotting fruit bowled him over.
Oh God, the laundry!! It was probably alive by now!! If the smell of rotting clothes had
been any stronger, it could have walked over and opened the door to let him in.
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Speaking of sentient mildew.....
Lauracy’s Review of Starship Yentleprise by Merwulf
DISCLAIMER: Inundiation by Merwulf's whacky humour and first hand exposure to a real
Lunatic has caused a delusional personality to surface hereafter known as Lauracy, the
Breaded Reviewer. My corporeal form is limited to the bits of fluff captured by a nametag
when it is peeled off.
****************************************************************************
First I must admit, I've not been reading my usual 65 gigabytes of fan fiction this
weekend. After my fingers were finally pried from the laptop I had to content myself with
reading only the name badges of the bards. (Of course, I slapped extra tags on any blank
chests I encountered.)
However, I was able to sneak a read at Merwulf's latest update while she was in the shower
exploring new soap frontiers. I'm posting this clandestine review because, 1) the
instalment gets my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION--QUICK PASS THE ICE BUCKET and 2) if she catches
me in the act of reviewing an unofficial update it's possible she'll let one of her uber
characters consume me...
Not only has Merwulf propelled our favourite duo to warpspeeds but her latest work moves
her up an alt-notch to PG-13 and a half. Never has her basin o'writing overflowed so
smoothly. Fly to your nearest update post and be prepared to melt as no author has melted
you before. I suggest that you install a seatbelt on your couch nacelle as a safety
precaution. Then hang on and enjoy the ride.
Lauracy’s Review of Meanwhile Back at the Inn, A Day In the Life
of Dori by Merwulf
*** Warnings and Disclaimers ***
None. How much trouble could one sweet baby be?? Well, OK, some chickens were
scattered in the making of this story and one truly malevolent cup of ale
was unleashed on the pride of an Amazon warrior. Rating PG-10 months
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE INN: ADITL WITH DORI by Merwulf
In her most ambitious feat yet Merwulf climbs into the mind of baby Dori and
fills the lives of the villagers of Amphipolis and the Amazon Nation with
a bundle of joy/holy terror. The descriptions are vivid enough to make Ares
cringe at the diaper pail. In a Dood way, of course. Little Dori is shown
to have strong traits from both her mothers as well as her own precocious
and very charming personality which captures the hearts of all who encounter
her. Merwulf's account of Dori's young adventures is VERY HIGHLY RECOMMENDED--but
you better catch her fast!
Located at the onelist archives for merwolfpack@onelist.com
Additional observations:
Even at such a tender age, Dori shows inclinations to many professions,
including,
-- surveyor
-- chicken rancher
-- horse trainer (ok, well, "wolf trainer")
-- human cuisinart
Do you get the sense that Eponin will have to advance her conditioning
course for the Amazon runners.....again?
The first Potato Head was an Amazon??? The truth is revealed.......
Regent Ephiny has interchangeable parts hidden in her bum!
Salmonious Marketing Scheme of the Day: Contact Creation Entertainment.
Have them ask LL to wear a series of extra large T-shirts. Sell them at the
Con as "warrior princess security blankets."
Lauracy’s Review of Xena and Gabrielle Do the Wildthing 1
by Merwulf
WARNING--This review is rated pg 14.5 and is the by-product of a mental meltdown from
the fumes of steaming peanut M&Ms.
Hi everyone, I apologize for not keeping up with my review updates. I'm in the process of
setting up a new review page on my site "Felines and Pheromones: Going There with Fan
Fiction Experts." I was inspired to come out of hiding to let you know about the
following MUST READ story:
XENA AND GABRIELLE DO THE WILD THING by Merwulf
My buns are sizzling over here as I am typing this review as fast as possible. While I
know many fans don't really read Merwulf for the set up, she has some terrific
characterizations in this one. And the action is PHENOMENAL. I was particularly enthralled
by the detail provided by the fade to black scenes. I don't want to spoil you too much but
scroll down if you want a blow by blow analysis of the scenes. This one floats above my
HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION and will take your minds by storm like Mardi Gras in Sydney.
Located at the MerwolfPack archives at onelist.com
S C R O L L
1. Xena, never one to fold in the face of a bet, licked her lips and leaned into her task.
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Here you can tell that just as the edges of the scene start go grey and fuzzy, that the
whipped cream is not coming completely off. If you stare hard at the actual *****s you can
see a lingering phosphorescence where the cream has been transferred... and after a long
time, even that disappears.
2. Xena growled her enjoyment of this attention and began her own "drying"
attempts as the clouds chuckled.
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Again, the focus in Xena's actions is like a bright spark peaking even as the scene blurs.
The rain really brings out a sensual quality and it makes the black seem even darker
than....well....black. There is an ethereal sense that the clouds will stop laughing and
be drawn away by a very mellow sort of glow.
3. Gabrielle laughed, understanding her partner's ways too well and said, "Xena, when
you ask me that with both your eyebrows raised, I know what you really have in mind is
showing me how long you can hold your breath while you make me loose mine!!... and yes, I
definitely want to go, um, soak! Lead on"
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Here Gabrielle is going there...leading the way into the dark and lovely passage. Even
though it is pitch dark in between the ****s you can hear them soaking.
Lauracy’s Review of Xena and Gabrielle Do the Wildthing 2
by Merwulf
***Warnings and Disclaimers***
Keep your hands in the car. I mean keep your hands to yourselves. I mean raise your hand
if you know how to go there. Or better yet, give Merwulf a hand....if you haven't fainted
by the end of this update, illumination of the disclaimers will strike you (twice like
lightning)
Look both ways before you cross the street as stampeding Xenites will knock you over on
their way to yoga classes.
********************************************************
XENA AND GABRIELLE DO THE WILD THING 2 by Merwulf
Take your bread products away from the heat--this latest update to Merwulf's
extraordinarily saucy WILDTHING story has more than enough sizzle to give a tropical
meltdown. While the action seems physically impossible, Merwulf has assured me that all
the poses are real even though a Webster's Dictionary was used to reach certain heights in
the trials. In an abrupt change, the previously fade to black scenes are written out in
vivid detail while the blocks of asterisks seem to represent the mundane banter of the
characters' everyday lives. While the deep meditation lends it a cerebral feel there's
certain to be more to come. This story floats above my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION and will
take your minds by storm like Mardi Gras in Sydney. Located at the MerwolfPack archives at
onelist.com
Side bards:
--What has Merwulf been dipping her quill in??
--Does anyone else think she's hearing voices, but only in the really high pitched ranges?
Lauracy’s Review of Xena and Gabrielle Do the Wildthing 3
by Merwulf
**Warnings and Disclaimers***
If you're coming back in the cave, do NOT bring any firewood. Merwulf has Xena and
Gabrielle burning at such high heat, that any extra stoking would (sp?) trigger a
spontaneous combustion and melt the entrances closed.
The cave has attracted lots of naturally inquisitive caverneers. This may cause some of
the flames to spill over and lick at your feet while you're reading. Please take it in
stride. There's bound to be a bus at the end of the tunnel and you can put your feet up
and relax there.
Any phosphorescence you may see is a natural phenomenon and only in directly enhanced by
participants.
XENA AND GABRIELLE DO THE WILD THING 3 by Merwulf
Like bread toasted on sticks, Merwulf's playfulness continues to engulf us in the flames
of molten passion. In the latest update to the WILDTHING story, the bard-work is firmly
laid for all the seemingly impossible manoeuvres of some truly gripping, fast-paced
action. Merwulf's thorough research is unparalleled and her methodology never skewed (too
much). Much to this reviewers delight, the uncannily revealing 'fade to black' scenes are
back and biting with a vengeance. So scroll down for a nip by nip analysis. This story
turns the toothbrush on its side to receive my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION--mmpphf...excuse me
while I go staunch the flow. Located at the MerwolfPack archives at onelist.com
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1. The bard broke into a wide grin, then gave her partner a bored look, given away by the
raised eyebrow, "^Whatever will we find to do to pass the time?" The warrior
raised her two ^^ (bringing the total now to ^^^) flashing a smile that rivalled the
sunrise.
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The moment of truth. If you think Xena was performing physical acts that defied the gods
before it faded to black, just envision all of the raising she was able to lend her
strength to once the asterisks broke across that dawn smile.
2. I really didn't think it was possible when I saw it on the wall at Aphrodite's
temple." Stretch. "Good thing my yoga has limbered me up."
Xena was too hazy to respond with anything but a lopsided grin, which
Gabrielle kissed, and then kissed again.
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Xena's flashing smile melted to a lop-sided grin. Does anyone else think a trip to
Artemis' temple is next on the itinerary? It does mean that in the dark, yoga is mightier
than the quill. Notice how the literary blindfold over our eyes makes the sound all the
more... vivid.
3. In Xena's handwriting were extensive instructions for a ... dessert she decided...
called "honey-dipped bard."
"And all this time I thought it was my honeyed tongue you favoured..."
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Definitely Extra KFC (Kindling in the Fire under the Crockpot). I have never tasted
darkness before, but this melding of senses is wayyy too provoking. I may never be able to
lick honey off the spoon with the lights on again.
4. As the blond ooohhed and aaahhed, the warrior ran back for some soap, then joined her
under the warm spray. She had neglected to bring a washcloth, preferring to use her hands
to get the bard in a lather.
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If you did not already have a weakness for showers, Xena Warrior Divining Rod could get
you there. Looks like that Sommer's Bionic Showerhead 6900 was invented earlier than we
imagined.
5. "Ok, Weyrwoman, but this time I get to ride the dragon.."
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Passionate scales rising and falling through the caverns. I think I blacked out. Fading to
black must have taken me between for more than a heartbeat.
Lauracy’s Review of Fake Update to As Fast As I Can by Llandllached
***Warnings and Disclaimers***
Keep the adjoining door open at all times while reading this update. Make sure you have
waited at least half an hour after eating before beginning to read. If you choose to print
the story out and take it to bed with you....neither the author nor this reviewer can be
held personally responsible for the continuing functionality of your bed/futon/couch
frame.
Rating: not for tender ears, reading this aloud will give you the mother of all
nosebleeds.
AS FAST AS I CAN, FAKE UPDATE by Llandllached
Few bards take the time to research a story from all angles, inside and out, the way
Llandllached has in this debut entry. The carefully attended details do much to round out
the experience of the readers and make the moments our two heroines "share" even
sweeter. If you are interested in enhancing the update please follow the reader
participation hints below. The much anticipated climactic scene of AS FAST AS I CAN FAKE
UPDATE garners 4 out of 5 be-gnawed headboards--and is VERY HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
Lauracy's Handy Tips for Finding Uber Characters in this Corner of the Xenaverse:
1. Check showers with precision tuning....if you get the moisture levels right, the
uberesque qualities of the shower become more obvious.
2. Always reserve hotel rooms with adjoining doors....just in case.
3. Get an advanced degree in nanotechnology and wait for the East Coast to drop off.
4. Never pass up a hot tub without taking a quick snorkel.
5. Explore your local public library reference area with a fine-tooth feather.
6. Check who has the cue before the 8-ball drops.
7. If you post it, they will come.
8. Look in every cave, search every waterfall, climb every mountain.
9. It's all in the wpm
10. Miami, Miami, Miami
*** WarMings and Disclaimers ***
It's not the heat, it's the humidity. And the heat. Prepare your temperature to rise like
a sweathut in a toaster oven on the sun.
Theoretically, large quantities of ice might help cool you off. It is recommended to read
this fake update while reclining in a soft-serve barcalounger centred on a hockey rink and
eating a double dipped chocolate waffle cone while Mr. Whippy has his way with you
(oops--scratch that last part).
Rating - 2000 degrees Kelvin
SUMMER HEAT by Merwulf
Always tantalising when it comes to our favourite Uber-women, Merwulf has really cranked
up the heat with a sweltering tangle of scenes that reveal every drop of sweat and leave
you thirsting for more. The visual images literally shimmer! Merwulf picks up the tail
with Dar away on business, but ever present in Kerry's mind--like a mirage in a shower.
Taking full advantage of the natural southern summer sizzle, Merwulf brings the teasing
climate to the brink...and then a full boil. SUMMER HEAT is very highly recommended.
Please be sure to follow the easy Reader Cool Down Steps listed below.
If you missed this fake update, get out of the hot tub and dash over to
http://www.mathematik.uni-marburg.de/~jaskadan/m&l/fu-summer1.html (don't even bother
drying off first.)
*** Lauracy's "No Core Meltdown" Suggestions for Cooling Off ***
1. Go to Blizzard Beach--come to think of it, is just one annual pass enough??
2. Join the Stanley Cup--be the icing on the puck.
3. Read some classic X and G scenes--substitute "4-star igloo" for cave.
4. Frozen grits.
5. Ride on top of the Go There Bus and try to catch the jet coolant wash
from the incoming Gryphon Airline flights.
6. Tape cold fish to your headboard.
7. Take a cold shower--make sure to llach Dar out first.
8. Make a Honeybear Custard with 12 leftover yolks.
9. Read something a bit less stimulating....like Penumbra's kink series.