by
Bard
Editor
Bleu Gato
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is copyright 20th Century Fox Film Corporation . All original content of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is copyrighted by the author and is not to be used or modified without permission. All rights reserved.
Contact: bard@xena2.com
Blog: www.xena2.com/blog
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. SUNNYDALE – WITCH COVEN/CEREMONIAL ROOM – 15 YRS AGO/EVENING
The room does not appear to be manmade but grown. The tree trunks form the walls and the ceiling is a solid, impenetrable mass of intertwined branches. Leaves are present; unusual not in the color, but in the soft green glow they emit. There are thousands of them, filling the chamber with pleasant illumination and imparting a feeling of magic and wonder. The only other source of light in the living, circular chamber is the fire burning in the large stone bowl, set upon a rock. There are no windows or doors and the floor is packed dirt. Numerous WITCHES ring the fire, with the closest wearing cowls and the back rows without head covering. The robes are a rainbow of cloth, with all colors present and accounted for and then some. Necklaces, bracelets, earrings, and rings adorn the various WITCHES; the seniority is apparent in the distance from the front and confirmed in the amount of jewelry an individual wears.
HOODED HIGHEST MOTHER, dressed in grey robe, steps out of the first circle and stands before the bowl.
HOODED HIGHEST MOTHER, tossing powder into the fire, reverently
HOODED HIGHEST MOTHER
I invoke and call upon thee O Mother Goddess,
who shines for all, who flows through all.
Maiden, Mother, and Crone,
I invite you to my circle;
Touch us, change us, make us whole.
HOODED HIGHEST FATHER, attired in dark green robe, joins her around the fire, stepping out of the first circle and ending opposite her.
HOODED HIGHEST FATHER, tossing powder into the fire, praying
HOODED HIGHEST FATHER
I invoke and call upon thee O Father God,
Lord of the Sun, Master of all that is wild.
I invite you to my circle;
Touch us, change us, make us whole.
The flames, which ignored the earlier addition, now burn brighter and stronger in response.
The ceremony is suddenly interrupted as numerous people step right thru the wall in one spot, confirming it an illusion concealing an entrance. Dozens of WATCHERS, including YOUNG GILES, file in the room and partially surround the WITCHES. The WATCHERS are armed with shotguns and are positioned to avoid crossfire. The WATCHERS wear numerous protective relics and all their clothing is synthetic. If that was not enough, they are backed by COWLED WITCHES. Everything about the WATCHERS is designed to neutralize the powers of the Sunnydale's WITCHES and the COWLED WITCHES are evidently there for backup and extra protection.
One of the WATCHERS breaks from the formation and moves slightly ahead of others.
WATCHERS' COUNCIL ELDER, unrolling a parchment, officiously
WATCHERS' COUNCIL ELDER
By the order of Watchers' Council, the entire Sunnydale Coven, sparing no soul, is to be erased. The premises will be sealed and any and all public and personal possessions either destroyed or taken into custody.
HOODED HIGHEST MOTHER, unafraid and defiant
HOODED HIGHEST MOTHER
You have no jurisdiction and no welcome here, Watcher.
WATCHERS' COUNCIL ELDER
We have a responsibility.
Pause.
WATCHERS' COUNCIL ELDER, to WATCHERS
WATCHERS' COUNCIL ELDER
We are the will of the Council.
WATCHERS, in unison
WATCHERS
We are the will made word.
WATCHERS' COUNCIL ELDER, coldly
WATCHERS' COUNCIL ELDER
Kill them all.
Screams and sounds of gunfire erupt in the temple.
FADE OUT:
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INTRODUCTION
On the screen, various images of Buffy and the Scooby Gang appear and a voice reads the passage.
BUFFY VOICE-OVER
Into every generation she is born; one girl in the entire world, a Chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and the skill to fight against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers. She is the Slayer.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE – WILLOW'S BEDROOM – LATE EVENING
Willow sits on the bed, legs crossed under her. The MAN is by the window, lost in the telling and staring at the past reflected in the darkness outside. Appropriate, given the subject matter.
Willow, protesting, disbelief written in her voice
WILLOW
I don't believe you.
MAN, evenly
MAN
No, you don't want to believe; there is a difference. Ask Giles. Ask Willy at his place. Ask anyone in Brookville. When they finished with the Coven, the Watchers slaughtered anyone unlucky to be in residence there – despite the rumors, minor, mostly harmless demons live there. You are safer in that neighborhood today than walking around the rest of Sunnydale. The memory of the purge is still fresh and no one wants a repeat.
WILLOW
The Watchers are good.
MAN, sadly
MAN
Good people, who do bad things on orders, yes.
Willow, struggling to accept the truth, quietly asks the question she dreads
WILLOW
The witches …?
MAN, shaking his head, unable to face her
MAN
Humans, with free will; practicing their arts and minding their cauldrons, to borrow an image. Their crime was acceptance and tolerance.
Willow, feeling sick, groaning
WILLOW
No …
MAN
Men and women, many certainly not innocent and all opposed on views – they made it work nonetheless. Fear and ignorance killed them.
The MAN turns around and there are tears in his eyes as he locks them with Willow.
MAN, gently, voice laced with sorrow
MAN
Willow, you know what it is like to be different; the outsider, the geek. Xander doesn't share your prodigious talents or ability to choose a social circle. He is labeled a loser, not without cause; you are one by association, with him and by virtue of membership in math, science, and computer clubs. Yet, at most, you are ignored. The hatred of other, the distrust, and the anger that boils over and strikes in words and action – you never had to face that. Until today. I really wish it didn't have to be so.
Willow, tearfully, mind occupied with her own past, whispering
WILLOW
Giles … why did you do it?
MAN, looking away, guiltily
MAN
I am sorry, but you had to know. The hand that takes your life could belong to the one who calls you friend.
Willow, finding words elusive, scattering like roaches under the light of thought
WILLOW
… It … I …
Willow looks around and finds her stuffed toys resting against the pillows. She gathers the biggest, furriest one to herself and finds comfort in the familiar.
Willow, collecting herself, firmly
WILLOW
I want this. I want to be a witch.
MAN
Why?
WILLOW
I won't run from this. I am done hiding.
MAN nods and crosses over to her.
MAN
Summer Sabbat is next Sat. Your initiation will be during Mabon festival.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE – WILLOW'S BEDROOM – MORNING
Willow lies on her side when she wakes up. Her open eyes find an enormous, chunky feline, reclining near her. It is orange in color and easily over twenty pounds. The kitty is long overdue for some serious weight loss. Exercise wouldn't hurt either.
Willow blinks a few times and realizing the cat is real, reaches out with her hand. Strange eyes open and fix her in place. She freezes.
Mouse, yawning
MOUSE
Hands off, witch.
Willow, surprised and confused
WILLOW
Y-y-you talk?
Mouse, accusingly, unhappy
MOUSE
Buffy went demon and demolished our kitchen, leveled our living room and killed our TV. We are moving in with you.
Willow, pulling the covers to her ears, uneasy and a little freaked out
WILLOW
Mouse?
Mouse, pretending to be a cat, playfully
MOUSE
Where? Where?!
WILLOW
Stop that. You can't live here, this is my place. Besides, my parents will call an intervention when they find out there is a man in my room; in my bed no less. And probably send me to the convent.
Mouse, teasing
MOUSE
Thought they would rush to the church and offer prayers in thanks.
WILLOW
They don't know. Xander does, others suspect.
MOUSE
Their loss; we think you are a wonderful person. Of course, we lie often and our sanity has about left the station, but on the bright side: it's a complement. Cheer up, witchie; no hairballs, we use the bathroom, wear clothes, and clean up nicely.
Willow, eyes narrowing as the implication sinks in, outraged
WILLOW
You didn't?!
Mouse, lightly
MOUSE
Showered and clothed; trust me, we are decent. A bit of advice: sexy up the lingerie drawer or you will get no girl action. Seriously, we saw racier staff in our grandmother's storage chest millennia ago.
Mouse gets up and stretches, arching his back. He appears to have no problem with movement, despite his bulk. He jumps down from bed.
MOUSE
And stop letting your mom buy you clothes. No, just no. No with exclamation point. No with exclamation point, underlined and with a circle around it. Get us?
Willow, clutching her head, the headache arriving and announcing its presence promptly
WILLOW
What's with “we”? Just how many of you are there?
Mouse, offering no explanation, simply
MOUSE
Two.
WILLOW
And the second person is …?
MOUSE
None of your business.
Mouse runs over to the window and it opens on its own.
Mouse, springing to the window sill nimbly and then looking back, seriously
MOUSE
We protect you for Him, but this is a job. We are not friends.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – EARLY MORNING
STUDENTS drift through the halls, sparsely populated but slowly growing crowded with the approaching start of classes. A GIRL in cheerleader outfit is about to close her locker when she absently scratches her head. Puzzled, the GIRL frowns and looks at her right hand, holding strands of hair. The GIRL reaches out with both hands to feel her head and the hair now comes out on its own, falling down around her. In seconds the GIRL is entirely bald. The GIRL examines her head again and then checks the floor, stunned. Her confusion changes to panic and the GIRL starts screaming, shrieking like a banshee.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – EARLY MORNING
Buffy and Xander make their way down the locker-lined walls. Together, they watch the small crowd of STUDENTS waved away by Flutie and spot the reason for the gawking.
Buffy, stopping to check out the situation, dryly
BUFFY
That's new.
Xander, looking discretely at Buffy and letting his thoughts show, blurting
XANDER
Buffy, you are a mistress … ah … master of understatement.
Buffy, sternly
BUFFY
Mind over gutter.
Buffy holds the silence to let Xander know he got caught and lets him stew for a moment.
Buffy, joking
BUFFY
Totally bold of her.
Xander, groaning
XANDER
Leave the bad jokes to me. It is a burden I gladly bear.
BUFFY
You are a good friend.
Xander, joking
XANDER
Want to go out?
BUFFY
Not into Xander.
XANDER
Ouch.
They both observe Flutie trying to calm the GIRL without touching or coming near her and failing miserably. The GIRL starts crying and Flutie looks lost.
Buffy is about to make one of her pithy observations to the detriment of Flutie when Xander grabs her by the arm. She starts to react and only stops with difficulty; Xander yanks his hand back in alarm and examines it as if surprised that he still has it attached.
Buffy, scolding
BUFFY
No touchie; many have died for less, you know?
Xander, now that he has Buffy's attention, pointing
XANDER
Look! Her hair is on the floor. She did not shave.
Buffy, nonchalantly
BUFFY
And?
XANDER
Isn't that your job?
Buffy, importantly
BUFFY
I protect lives, not hairstyles. Except mine; I would kill for that.
XANDER
Knew that.
Buffy, slightly concerned
BUFFY
You think I am too violent?
Xander, smiling
XANDER
Nah, you are violent just right.
BUFFY
So, Giles?
XANDER
He will think it is the sign of Apocalypse.
Buffy, grinning
BUFFY
Then we definitively have to tell him at lunch.
XANDER
You are evil.
BUFFY
I love me.
Pause.
BUFFY
Come on, let's save Flutie. He might have to show humanity and compassion any second – the result could be a messy death by emotional overload, what with the little robot bits flying around. And I probably will be blamed.
Xander, slyly
XANDER
Aha, I am onto you, Buffy. You do care.
They are interrupted by Cordelia and the CORDETTES. They walk past the GIRL and Flutie, whispering loudly, and snapping pictures. Their giggles and intent to distribute make the situation worse and the GIRL latches onto Flutie and cries into his suit. Flutie appears stricken and stands there like a statue. Buffy and Xander look at each other and share in private understanding. Their amusement at the principal is short lived.
Cordelia, haughtily
CORDELIA
Guess what else is gone?
BUFFY
Not you … shame that.
CORDELIA
Don't bother trying out for the squad.
XANDER
What happened to tryouts?
Cordelia, ignoring Xander, to Buffy
CORDELIA
This is not about you, this is about me. It's always about me. And I already know who I don't want. Follow?
BUFFY
Yes. Care? Not.
CORDELIA
Whatever, losers.
Cordelia leaves, the CORDETTES trailing behind.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – EARLY MORNING
Buffy and Xander approach the GIRL and Flutie. Buffy gently disengages the GIRL from the principal, who looks grateful for the long second it takes him to realize who she is. Then his face clouds again. Buffy ignores him and hugs the GIRL, giving her what she needs. The GIRL relaxes to her ministrations.
Buffy, sympathetically
BUFFY
What's wrong …
Xander, behind Buffy, supplying quietly
XANDER
Amber.
BUFFY
… Amber?
Buffy releases Amber but keeps in physical contact with her. Amber immediately runs her hands over her bald head.
Amber, agitated
AMBER
It's gone, it's all gone!
Buffy, softly
BUFFY
Amber, it will be okay, trust me. This is important: was it all there this morning, before school?
Amber, sniffling
AMBER
I think. Yes.
Buffy, starting to lead Amber away from the scene of loss, soothingly
BUFFY
I want to make sure you are not sick. Let's take you to the school nurse and have her check you. Hey, think of it as an excuse to skip school today.
Xander bends down and fusses with his shoelaces as Flutie continues to watch Buffy and Amber.
Amber, morosely
AMBER
I am not coming back.
Buffy, lightly
BUFFY
Nah, your look is in. Was thinking to joining the club.
Amber, scoffing
AMBER
Yeah, right.
BUFFY
Okay, like not. Still, I would make it look good. I work it, girl.
Amber cracks a smile.
AMBER
You are Buffy, the new student from LA?
BUFFY
You must have seen the wanted posters Flutie put up.
Buffy and Amber walk away, chatting amiably.
Xander straightens up and follows a distance behind, giving them room to talk freely. He does not get far. Flutie arrests Xander's movement with a hand on the shoulder.
FLUTIE
Word of advice: stay away from Buffy. She is majoring in jail.
Xander, fiercely
XANDER
You are wrong. Problem is you have no faith in people, Principal Flutie.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – MORNING
Willow walks to her locker and stops. She looks down the hall, noticing Cordelia closing in but not being noticed in turn; yet. Willow faces her locker, no opening it and just standing there, waiting. Few second later, she gets the attention she expects and more importantly, wants.
Cordelia, touching the outfit in question, insulting
CORDELIA
Check out the Salvation Army thrift finest.
Willow, nonchalantly
WILLOW
Careful, you might catch loser; heard it's communicable.
Cordelia is visibly stunned, shocked that Willow talked back.
Cordelia, recovering quickly and getting nasty, sweetly
CORDELIA
Aw, that's cute. Buffy must be rubbing off. Or is the rubbing mutual now?
WILLOW
Uh … um, what?!
Cordelia, tsking, amused
CORDELIA
Willow, Willow; you are too easy.
Cordelia steps close and whispers in Willow's ear, accentuating the last word for added effect.
CORDELIA
Word is she likes tall, dark, and not you. I applaud her taste in men.
Laughing and satisfied that she crushed the nerd, Cordelia starts to leave.
Willow, insolently
WILLOW
Oh Cordelia?
Cordelia, now annoyed, turns and opens her mouth to unleash on Willow, who evidently did not take the verbal beating to heart and needs another lesson in her insignificance. Instead, she finds it covered with Willow's lips. Stepping into it, Willows right hand goes to the back of Cordelia's head and the other around the waist, pressing their bodies intimately close.
CORDELIA
MMPH!
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – MORNING
Buff and Xander are walking down the hall side by side when Buffy staggers and grabs him for support.
Xander, worried
XANDER
Buffy?
Buffy, weakly
BUFFY
Whoa. Someone stuck a straw in me and had a big gulp of Buffy.
Xander, blurting out
XANDER
I just went to a place. I am there and happy. I am in a happy place.
Buffy, disturbed
BUFFY
Do that in private and don't feature me.
Xander, cheekily
XANDER
I can't promise anything.
Buffy, regaining her strength and standing on her own, darkly
BUFFY
I can. And I will.
Xander, pitifully, whimpering
XANDER
Please don't hurt me.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – MORNING
After the initial surprise wears off, Cordelia tries to turn her head away. Willow drops her hand to Cordelia's butt and squeezes the cheek, buying a few extra seconds. She releases her embrace shortly thereafter.
Willow, smugly
WILLOW
Rub that.
Smiling, Willow walks away, leaving red and embarrassed Cordelia behind. Of course, to the watching STUDENTS Cordelia appears that way for a different reason. Realizing this, Cordelia plays it as cool as possible, departing with as much pride and dignity as she can muster. After composing herself and straightening her clothes and hair, she strides in the other direction, eager to escape.
In her distraction, further down the hall, Cordelia almost walks into Willow. Same outfit but her hands are full of books.
To Willow's astonishment, her tormentor makes a startled noise and bolts for the nearest bathroom. Puzzled, she looks around and realizes everyone is watching her and snickering. This is her worst nightmare: everyone looking and pointing at her.
Putting her head down, Willow scampers to her locker and with shaking hands tries the combination. She is near panic, her breathing fast and irregular.
MAN, appearing next to her, leaning on the locker, informationally
MAN
We Hate Cordelia Club is victorious.
Willow, pouring her stress into words, talking fast
WILLOW
What did you do? Not that I don't appreciate the gesture, I do, but punching her is not in me. I admit to occasional bad thought and fleeting pleasure taken with it. It does not last, that is not who I am. Willow is good, Willow does not hit people, Willow does not wish anyone harm; even Cordelia. Especially Cordelia. Because that would make Willow bad and bad is …
MAN, interrupting, evenly
MAN
You kissed her.
That stops Willow cold and she settles down. Calmer, she manages to open the locker.
Willow, mouthing
WILLOW
Wow.
Pause.
Willow, shyly
WILLOW
Was it a peck?
MAN, grinning
MAN
You went French and her ass got manhandled, well, woman handled, okay just plain Willow handled.
WILLOW
Wow.
Pause.
Willow, impulsively
WILLOW
Go me!
Pause.
Willow, working it out
WILLOW
What now?
MAN, with a straight face
MAN
She will either avoid you or ask you out.
Willow, finding it funny, giggling
WILLOW
The horror.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – MORNING
A CORDETTE runs into Cordelia coming out of the classroom.
CORDETTE, grabbing Cordelia's arm, excitedly
CORDETTE
Dish.
CORDELIA
Yes Harmony, she is.
HARMONY
You did not …
Cordelia, freeing her arm, with disdain, scoffing
CORDELIA
Please.
Harmony, sighing
HARMONY
You are so perfect Cordelia. I wish I was you.
CORDELIA
I don't.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – CLASSROOM – MIDMORNING
The TEACHER is busy looking over the lesson plan. Other STUDENTS are either idly bored or engaged in conversation. Buffy and Xander have their heads close together, chatting in low voices to avoid being overheard.
Xander, sternly
XANDER
Willow and Cordelia were smooching earlier. This will not be spoken off. Ever.
Buffy, running thru the situation, smartly
BUFFY
Best friend.
XANDER
Check.
BUFFY
Mortal enemy.
XANDER
Check.
Buffy, emphasizing each word, strongly
BUFFY
Did. Not. Happen.
XANDER
Check and double check.
BUFFY
Checkage.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – LIBRARY – NOON
Buffy and Xander are playing paper football on the table, while Giles stands there with his arms crossed, disapproving. Buffy flicks the folded triangle thru the uprights of Xander's fingers and sticks her arms up in victory.
Buffy, doing a little wiggle in place, exulting
BUFFY
Slayer kicks, Slayer scores, Slayer triumphs!
Xander, pouting
XANDER
Slayer is a sore winner.
Willow takes that moment to walk in.
Buffy, turning to Willow, friendly
BUFFY
Hey stranger, how was the weekend?
Willow, sitting down heavily, despondent
WILLOW
I had an intervention Sunday. I am grounded till death or dentures, whichever comes first.
Buffy, impressed
BUFFY
Willow, you devilish devil. Share the happy.
WILLOW
Mouse moved in, walked downstairs and met my parents …
Pause.
Willow, holding silence for dramatic effect and then adding with a grin
WILLOW
… wearing my clothes.
XANDER
Don't tell me, it got bad?
WILLOW
Boyfriend bad. Also, Mouse has enemies and he put up protection trinkets.
XANDER
Hello, bride of Satan.
Pause.
XANDER
Wait, rewind to the part about your clothes on Mouse.
BUFFY
Someone beat you to your fantasy? I have a killer red dress and matching heels.
Xander reddens and slides down in the chair.
Xander, lamely
XANDER
Red is not my color.
Buffy, mercifully letting Xander off the hook, generously
BUFFY
Shotgun. Fish. Barrel.
Pause.
Buffy, to Willow, intrigued
BUFFY
Just how religious are your parents?
Willow, giggling
WILLOW
I am in therapy and counseling for doing it; all over the house and frequently.
XANDER
Don't you have to … you know … do it first?
Willow, dismissively
WILLOW
Details.
Buffy, doing an impression of Willow
BUFFY
Hi, my name is Willow and I'm doing it a lot. I don't know exactly what and I don't remember anything about it but I am sure I like it since I keep doing it. I am Willow and I'm a doing it addict.
Pause.
Buffy, turning to Giles, who is stoically enduring this entire exchange, smartly
BUFFY
What is it exactly that I am supposed to be doing?
Giles, moving to the stack of books, offhand
GILES
We have a witch to burn.
BUFFY
Right.
Willow, Xander & Buffy, exclaiming
WILLOW, XANDER & BUFFY
What?!
Giles, picking a book from a nearby cart and taking it over to the table, reassuringly
GILES
Figuratively speaking of course.
Willow, unable to hold her tongue any longer, sharply
WILLOW
Murdering witches becoming routine?
Her tone sells it; Giles stops in the middle of a step and the book falls from his suddenly numb hands. It lands on the floor with a thud and Willow looks away, her expression angry. Buffy and Xander look at them and then at each other, not understanding what just happened. Buffy and Xander share their confusion with body language.
Giles, covering his loss of composure, mumbling an excuse under his breath
GILES
Uh … uh, terribly sorry, must have tripped … how clumsy of me.
Pause.
Giles, prattling away, nervous
GILES
Right, yes … um, the witch. The girl this morning was the victim of a curse. To confirm it, I need an article of her clothing or something with a personal connection.
Xander, reaching down into his backpack and taking out Amber's hair, embarrassed
XANDER
Will this do?
Giles, troubled
GILES
Xander, why do you have her hair?
Xander, defensively
XANDER
It's not what you think.
Buffy, looking at him as if he grew another head, skeptically
BUFFY
It's worse?
Xander, pleading
XANDER
Willow, help me here.
Willow, wickedly
WILLOW
My, Xander, what a big shovel you have.
Xander, playing along, amiably
XANDER
To better dig with, dear Willow.
Willow, grinning
WILLOW
My, Xander, what a big hole you dug.
XANDER
To better bury myself, dear Willow.
Giles, affecting suffering
GILES
I am surrounded by children.
BUFFY
Word.
GILES
You too.
Giles reaches and takes the clump of hair from Xander without further comment. He opens the book to the illustrations of Saint Columba of Sens and Saint Cyprian of Carthage. The drawings are black and white, on opposing pages. He places Amber's hairs on the page and closes the book, sandwiching them. Three heads lean in close and watch in fascination.
Giles, proudly
GILES
The Mother and the Father; they are the patron saints of witches. The book is enchanted to detect them by their work. If an individual is under influence of one, it will clearly show it and summon a divining rod of sorts to ferret out the perpetrator.
BUFFY
Check out Giles, James Giles; agent 666.
Giles, with a proper bow, a perfect gentleman
GILES
In her Majesty's service.
Giles opens the book and three gasps are heard. The illustrations are now in full color, but that is not what causes the reaction. It is the hair, twisting and changing, forming a silver chain with a green stone at the end.
GILES
It is used the same way as a plumb bob. It points to the nearest witch. That is a problem.
BUFFY
Hellmouth overflowing with cauldrony goodness?
GILES
Exactly. We need to narrow it down.
They hear a scream from outside the library.
XANDER
Evil strikes again. How convenient and considerate.
BUFFY
Like music to my ears. What? I am action girl. Giles reads, Willow hacks, Xander … Xander, what do you do exactly?
XANDER
I get captured and need rescuing. Someone had to do it.
BUFFY
Way to shatter the manly man stereotype.
Xander, humbly
XANDER
I do my best.
Giles, to Buffy, pointing at the exit, impatiently
GILES
Buffy: screaming, evil, action.
Buffy, running already, shouting
BUFFY
Slayer away!
Giles, grumbling
GILES
I swear that girl sometimes …
XANDER
Don't be bitter, you don't have my job.
Willow stands up and pulls Xander to his feet.
Willow, kindly
WILLOW
Come on Xander, enough self-immolation for one day.
XANDER
I love it when you use big words.
WILLOW
You have no clue what it means.
Xander, brightly
XANDER
I live in hazy, warm ignorance. It stops my head from hurting.
Willow side hugs Xander; putting an arm around his lower back, she brings him close.
WILLOW
Poor baby.
Xander drapes an arm over her shoulder and they walk out together, following Buffy.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – EARLY AFTERNOON
Buffy runs out and into a solid crowd of STUDENTS. Seeing no way through, she looks around and spots a fire extinguisher. She opens the small wall cabinet and takes it out. Few passing STUDENTS stop and gape at her, one STUDENT takes off; Buffy gives them no mind. She takes out the pin and lets loose; she aims low, not wanting to inhale the stuff.
It is enough. The STUDENTS clear out in a hurry, leaving behind GIRL #2, dressed in cheerleader outfit. She has stopped screaming and appears to be in shock. Her clothes are stretched tight and Buffy realizes the GIRL #2 is gaining weight at a rapid rate.
Buffy tosses the fire extinguisher aside and taking the GIRL # 2 by hand, she steers her to the nearest classroom. Checking first to see if it is empty and finding it so, she pushes the GIRL #2 inside.
Buffy, concerned the restrictive clothes could harm the girl, ordering
BUFFY
Strip.
Receiving no response and a blank look, Buffy easily rips the blouse and skirt, tossing them aside. She helps the GIRL #2 to the floor and quickly takes her shoes off. Hearing the knock on the door, she moves to intercept.
CUT TO:
INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH – HALLWAY – EARLY AFTERNOON
Willow knocks on the door while Xander keeps the STUDENTS back, menacingly waving the fire extinguisher he picked off the floor.
The door opens slightly and Buffy's head pops out. She is blocking access and view inside the classroom.
BUFFY
Flabby chubby curse.
WILLOW
Weight gain of the unexpected kind?
BUFFY
UFG. Confidently heading for morbidly obese and eyeing beached whale; I got her down to underwear. Is there a danger if the balloon keeps going?
WILLOW
Sorry Buffy, everything has to go or it could turn into tourniquet.
BUFFY
Sometimes, being the Slayer sucks.
Pause.
BUFFY
One of the weasels sounded the alarm, expect Flutie any second. Inform Giles and get a blanket.
Willow, rushing off, enthusiastically
WILLOW
Willow away!
Xander, mumbling low, a trifle miffed
XANDER
I didn't get a “Xander away!” Buffy gets one, Willow gets one; so not right.
Buffy, before disappearing inside
BUFFY
Xander, hold the fort.
XANDER
I am a wall.
Pause.
Xander, turning and finding no one there
XANDER
And talking to one. Good one, Xander.
Flutie, appearing like a ghost behind him, sounding like the cat that ate the canary
FLUTIE
Mr. Harris, playing firefighter, are we? Want to guess how many safety codes you violated by discharging the fire extinguisher? How about the number of school policy violations?
Xander, playing dumb, guessing innocently
XANDER
Lucky seven?
Flutie, dropping nice, barking
FLUTIE
Where is she?
Xander hesitates and Flutie gets right in his face, his expression expectant.
Xander, unable to stall any longer, meekly
XANDER
Inside …
Flutie pushes past him and grabs the door handle; he is about to turn it and enter.
Xander, finishing, smirking
XANDER
… with a naked student.
Flutie jumps back as if the thing in his hand developed teeth and bared them at him.
Fortunately, Giles arrives with Willow in tow. He is carrying a bundle wrapped in a blanket. Giles quickly evaluates the situation.
Giles, protecting the Slayer at the expense of Xander, politely
GILES
One of the students had … an accident and I asked Buffy to help her. I understand the memo went out from your office to engage Miss Summers and keep her out of trouble if possible. She is, very ably I should add, assisting me in this particular, unfortunate matter. Xander had the right intentions but he should have waited for an authority figure to disperse the mob of students surrounding the girl.
Flutie, quickly settling for one of the gang, faking gracious
FLUTIE
Witness reports are reliably unreliable. Shall we call it a small misunderstanding? I have the person of interest in custody and you have things here in hand. I will inform Nancy she has another patient. Please make sure that the injured student is evaluated promptly, for liability reasons. Under no circumstance are you to go in there until she is covered and you will leave the door open at all times.
Pause.
Flutie, walking away, smiling
FLUTIE
Don't hold up the progress, Mr. Harris. Parents to call, yours, forms to file, suspension, and that long talk I been meaning to have with you about your future, grim. And bring that fire extinguisher; we want mug shots for posterity.
Xander follows Flutie like a condemned man going to his execution.
Willow, teasing
WILLOW
Welcome to being grounded for life, may I take your order?
Xander, bitterly
XANDER
Bite me.
Willow, giggling
WILLOW
Xander away!
Xander does not help his cause by turning and sending a short burst of agent at Willow's legs. Flutie stops and clears his throat loudly; Xander resumes the green mile.
Giles, ignoring the hijinks, to Willow, urgently
GILES
Quick, put the amulet around her neck and then cover her up. Open the door when you are done.
WILLOW
This will reverse it?
Giles, sadly
GILES
No, she has to do that the old fashion way: diet. And she cannot take it off until the curse is broken.
Willow, indignant
WILLOW
Some witches don't play fair. Hair loss and weight gain – that's a teenage girl's worst nightmare. What's next? Killer acne?
Giles, reminding her of her duty, firmly
GILES
Willow!
WILLOW
Moving!
Willow swiftly opens the door and slides inside the classroom, careful to minimize the exposure of the occupants inside.
Giles, to himself as he takes up guard position, chuckling
GILES
One sarcastic Slayer, two well-meaning but hopeless best friends, and an aging Watcher – Hellmouth won't know what hit it.
FADE OUT:
END OF PART ONE