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It Should Be Me


Mikaeli Hooper


Chapter Twelve


I felt as if I'd been kicked in the stomach. The air seemed to be thinning with every second and I was soon gasping for breath as I stumbled through the forest. My vision was blurred with tears as I made my way back to the Amazon village, praying that no one would take any notice of me. My biggest fear had just become reality; Xena didn't want me anymore.

When I first entered the campsite, I could see the desire and the love burning in her eyes, but the moment my hands started to wander, the second I started to touch her, I could feel the tension seeping from her very skin. I thought that I had been giving us what we both wanted, what we both needed, but I had been blind. I wondered if I only imagined the affection in her eyes. Maybe I had mistaken pity for passion, disgust for love. How could I blame her? I'm a whore.

I'm due to be married in only a few days and I pushed my consort away on a hunting trip so that I could seduce my ex-lover. It's the truth. I argued with her all week, pushing her past her limits and when the she was asked by a fellow Amazon to go on the trip, I pushed her to. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I finally entered the gates of the Amazon village, steadfastly ignoring the Amazon's that gazed at me curiously. I forced myself to walk casually to my hut, when in truth I really wanted to run away from the rejection that I'd left behind me. I pushed open the door and made my way straight to the bed, where I laid down still fully clothed.

I finally let the tears fall as I squeezed my eyes shut, sobbing brokenly as I gripped the bed sheets. I had made my bed, and now I was lying in it. Gods, life is a bitch.




After Gabrielle left my camp, I practically collapsed on my bedrolls and fell into a tortured sleep. I dreamt of Gabrielle and the gift she had offered me, which I refused and my heart broke all over again. The morning was even less welcome, and I wondered how the sky could be so blue, and the sun so bright when I felt so empty inside. It's only two more days until Gabrielle would be married and I wanted to just pack my things and leave. I knew I wouldn't see her now until the wedding. Tomorrow, Miranda would return from her hunting trip and the next morning, they would be joined.

I wondered miserably to myself why I had pushed her away when she came to me. Maybe if I had let her seduce me, she would have decided to call of the wedding, even if she had only planned to be with me for one night. She might not have returned to me completely, but it would have given me more time to prove to her that I could be what she wanted again.

I was pulled from my thoughts by a twig snapping underneath leather boots. I didn't even bother to move, remaining in my bedroll and staring at the down dead fire. I wasn't surprised when Alexandria stepped into the clearing, a bright smile on her face that quickly faded when she took in my appearance. I wondered how bad I must look as I stared into her concerned eyes. I doubted that I couldn't possibly look as bad as I feel, it's impossible.

"Xena," Alexandria breathed as she crossed the camp quickly, coming to kneel besides me. I tried to compose myself but when she wrapped me in her arms, the dam broke and the emotions overwhelmed me.

I sobbed in her arms, my chest heaving as I clutched at the dark blue vest she was wearing. I could tell she was a little uncomfortable with my behavior, but she quickly pulled me to her chest, rubbing my back soothingly as she whispered comforting words into my ear. I continued to cry until my throat burned and my chest ached, and I let myself relax against her, taking comfort from the soft lips pressed against the top of my hair. I felt like a child, crying in her mother's arms and I knew I would usually be extremely uncomfortable but right now I didn't care.

"Xena, Sweetheart," Alexandria whispered into my hair as she continued to stroke my back with one hand while the other brushed tears from flushed cheeks. "Tell me what happened, love."

I took a deep breath before starting the short story, leaving out no details. I felt her body stiffen in certain places, but her hand on my back never stopped moving as she listened quietly. When I finished, I looked up into her eyes to find her gazing back at me sympathetically.

"Do you want to leave?" She asked me softly. For a moment I thought about saying yes. I thought about leaving here with her now, knowing that she would if I asked her to. But as quickly as the thought entered my mind, I expelled it.

"No," I managed to choke out, my throat sore from my crying. "No, you were right back in Amphipolis. I have to do this. I need closure."

Alexandria nodded, resting her chin on top of my head as I once again relaxed against her, taking comfort from her warm body. The next few days would be the hardest of my life, I had no doubt. But as Alexandria had said, first and most importantly, Gabrielle was my best friend. If she wanted to go through with the wedding, then I would support her, even if was breaking my heart. Because I love her and all I want is for her to be happy, even if it means not being with me.

"Want to go chop some more wood?" Alexandria asked after a few moments of silence. "We can pretend every piece is Miranda's face? It might make you feel better."

I couldn't help but smile at her words, nodding my head as I allowed Alexandria to practically pick me up from the ground. I stayed still as she ran her fingers through my messy hair and straightened my leathers. At least I wouldn't be alone, I thought to myself with a sad smile as Alexandria wiped the remaining tears from my face with a small grin. I still had a family, even if I was missing part of my heart and my soul. I just needed closure, I told myself as I walked from the clearing with Alexandria by my side. I would feel better when this was all over, I lied to myself.

Gods, life is a bitch.


To Be Continued


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