For disclaimers see chapter one...
Emily couldn't sleep. She was tired as hell, but she simply couldn't calm down enough. She had too much on her mind. Lots of thoughts and questions ran through her head, but no answers. None whatsoever.
It was already morning. It was getting lighter outside and the rain had stopped falling a while ago. She had been lying in bed, listening to the sound of it the whole night, hoping it would help relax her as it usually did, but it hadn't helped at all.
She had to pick Max up in a few hours, she realized that. She didn't have to work that day; that was something, at least. Emily wasn't sure she would have managed to go to work, had she been forced to.
But what about Danny? What was she going to do about her? Emily had no idea. She just knew that she didn't want her to leave, even if she didn't have a clue as to why that was. She needed to straighten this out first.
Giving up on her fruitless attempts to try to go to sleep, Emily simply decided to get up instead. She scrambled through her closet, trying to find something clean to wear. She realized that she really needed to get her laundry done as well as grocery shopping, as she finally found a pair of worn light blue jeans and a white t-shirt to wear. She hadn't done much of anything lately, she had to admit, besides working. She had actually started to feel a bit guilty when Max was concerned as well. It had happened on more than one occasion during the past few weeks that she had left him in kindergarden or at Tom's in the morning, only to have him already fallen asleep when she finally picked him up in the evening. She had to do something about that. Emily had promised herself that she would always put Max and his needs first, which she did and always had especially since there was just the two of them, but lately she had taken on a little too much.
“I really need to learn how to say no ”, she said to herself as she carefully walked down the stairs to the living room, silently cursing the wooded staircase making its usual damn noises no matter how much you tried to be quiet. She wouldn't sign on for any extra shifts any more, no matter what anyone would say or how much she was needed at the hospital. Other people needed her too.
She could see Danny's form curled up on the couch through the blanket that was still covering her body. She was lying in exactly the same way as she had left her the night before and for a moment Emily got scared. What if something had happened to her? She surely didn't look well when Emily left her lying there alone a couple of hours earlier.
She walked up to the couch silently, relieved beyond belief when she saw the slow rise and fall of Danny's chest.
“Shit…”
Emily ran her trembling hand through her hair. Danny was alive at least, but she still didn't look good. Her face was pale and blood had soaked through the gauze Emily had wrapped around her head to try to make the bleeding stop. That had to be taken care of when she would wake up. As well as the rest of her dirty and blood covered body, Emily realized. She was dirty and dried blood was covering most of the skin that was visible. She didn't know how she would be able to manage to get her cleaned up, but she would have to figure something out. Emily felt her resolve increasing the more she thought about the situation. She could fix this. She would fix this. She was determined to do it.
The first part of her plan was to get herself some coffee.
***
Danny tried to get her eyes to open, willing her eyelids to move despite the pounding in her head, making her nauseous just from trying. She could smell what she recognized was coffee and tried to turn around as best she could.
“Where am I?” she wondered as she willed her eyes to open just a fraction more. She looked around her, trying to get her bearings straight. She didn't recognize the room she was in, but saw that she was lying on a couch, which would probably have been quite comfy if her body didn't ache as much as it did. She groaned from the intense pain that shot through her head as she tried to turn on her back. No matter which way she turned, she couldn't get comfortable. Her whole body hurt.
Slowly last night's events started coming back to her. The first thing that reached through her confused mind was an image of the blonde. Emily. That was her name, Danny remembered.
She had been so nice to her the night before, taking care of her.
“You could hardly say the same about me”, Danny thought.
She actually felt a bit guilty over the fact that she had acted pretty much like an ass towards the woman who had taken her in and more or less saved her from whatever fate would have come her way had she not decided to do what she did.
Danny tried to shake the feeling from her mind, wanting the safety of the numbness back, but once again when she thought of the blonde, she didn't seem to be able to keep the feelings out. They crept up on her. Got under her skin. Not even her hardened heart had managed to be unaffected by the beautiful woman.
It had been a long time since she had felt the way she did the night before. It was a long time since she had felt anything but hatred. Or anger. That's what had saved her from going out of her mind. That's what had saved her from herself.
She had to make sure to keep it that way and not let herself be affected the way she had been the night before.
For a few moments, she had even almost forgotten about the reasons why she was there in the first place. This was not a social visit. They didn't even know each other. And Emily had no idea as to who Danny really was. What she had done. If she did, Danny wouldn't be here with her. If she did, Emily would most certainly wish that she had simply left Danny lying there on the road instead of bringing her into her life like this. It would probably have been for the best anyway.
“How are you feeling today?”
Danny turned in the direction of the kind voice she recognized from the night before. God, the woman was beautiful… She closed her eyes as she felt the touch of a soft hand against her forehead. She didn't know how to answer. She felt like shit, but didn't want to tell the blonde that. She needed to get away from her, not make her feel obligated to take more care of her. Danny just knew that's what Emily would do.
“The fever seems to have given in a little at least”, Emily said, relieved that that was the case. She took her hand away from Danny's skin, feeling herself being watched.
“I feel just fine. Much better”.
Emily looked at Danny and felt her anger rising. There it was again. That look. Why did she have to do this? It was clearly a lie. She probably felt about as bad as she looked.
So, she was in such a rush to get away she would say just about anything she could come up with? The things Emily had felt last night were clearly not mutual. God, she was stupid.
“Really?”
Emily turned away from the dark haired woman, not wanting her to see her face. She didn't want Danny to see the way her words affected her. The disappointment.
She offered Danny one of the mugs with coffee she had brought with her, trying her best to not look as emotional as she actually felt. Danny accepted it, without objection for once. It was clear that merely trying to sit up a bit more, hurt her. Her face grew paler and she closed her eyes in obvious pain.
“Thank you”, she groaned as she took a sip of the hot liquid.
Emily watched Danny as she slowly drank her coffee, holding on to the mug with trembling hands. She avoided her eyes, not looking back.
“Why won't you just let me help you, Danny?”
“You don't need to help me”.
Danny tried to look stern and make the blonde see that she meant it, that it would be best for everyone if she just left her alone, but her anger faded away more and more as she looked into those deep, green eyes. What was this?
Danny tried to raise herself up a bit more, to stretch her aching legs out, only to manage to spill the whole mug of coffee she was trying to hold on to all over the blanket that was covering her.
“Shit!”
She attempted to get up, but her body wouldn't allow her. The pain that shot through her head almost made her faint. It was as if someone had pierced through her skull with a knife and the dizziness that accompanied it forced her to lay back down again.
“I'm sorry”.
Danny turned her head slightly to look over towards the other woman. How many times had she said those words during the past 12 hours anyway? And now she was embarrassed, as well. As if things weren't bad enough as they were. Danny was surprised to see Emily actually smiling. She tried her best to hide it, but it was no use.
“Still sure you won't need my help?”
Emily removed the coffee soaked blanket from Danny's body, not waiting for an answer. She didn't expect to get a good one from the stubborn dark haired woman anyway.
“I am going to change that bandage on your head, Danny and look at that wound to see if maybe it will need to be stitched up”.
She extended her hand to the other woman, who was just watching her as she spoke.
“But first you need to take a shower. Whether you want to or not”, she added as she saw Danny open her mouth to object. She closed it again.
“I'll help you”.
***
It had been a struggle to get Danny upstairs and into the master bathroom and Emily was relieved when they finally got there. She had thought about using the shower downstairs at first, but soon realized that it would be too small. Too small for the two of them, that is, because no matter what, there was no chance in hell that Danny would be able to clean herself up. Emily was at least thankful that she offered no resistance this time, simply going along with everything Emily suggested.
Emily swallowed hard as she helped remove the oversized t-shirt and far too small sweatpants Danny was wearing, once again subjected to the view of her bruised and torn body. God, what did this to you?
T here was no part of her body that had been spared. There were bruises or scratches everywhere and it wasn't that hard to see why Danny was in so much pain. Around the deep gash in her forehead, there was now a dark blue, almost black bruise.
Emily turned the shower on, leaving it to get a little warmer, before taking her own jeans off. She found it difficult to look at Danny's battered up body. Every time she did, her throat constricted and she felt as if she just wanted to cry. And she was so thin. She was nothing more than skin, bone and muscle.
Emily guided the now naked woman into the shower, holding her arm around her so that she wouldn't fall and instructed her to lean her hands against the tiled wall. Again, Danny did as instructed without objection.
“That's at least something”, Emily thought. She was thankful for not having to argue about everything all the time. It was much smoother like this.
Danny closed her eyes as she felt the warm water cascading down her head and body. God it felt so good, she could feel tears burning in her eyes. She also enjoyed the feeling of smooth, sensitive hands carefully washing her hair and body. More so than she wanted to. It had been a long time since she had been touched by a woman. However innocent this was.
She had been a bit surprised when Emily had joined her in the walk in shower, wearing only panties and a white t-shirt, but she didn't say anything. She wouldn't have let Emily do it if she'd had any way of doing it herself. But she couldn't. Danny had to admit that at this moment, she was totally helpless. And if she wanted to get away from there, she had to let Emily help her. So, that's what she did.
***
Emily was glad that she had stood her ground and made Danny do as she said. All the blood and dirt had now been washed from her body and her wounds were cleaned; the one on her forehead had been bandaged again. She had decided not to stitch it up, hoping she would get to keep an eye on the wound a while longer.
Danny looked a little bit better, at least. Emily even though she could see that the look in those sapphire blue eyes had softened, if ever so slightly.
She still didn't speak, though. Emily had talked to her the whole time, telling her things. Asked her questions. But nothing came out of Danny's mouth. She just looked pissed off. Emily couldn't help smiling to herself. At least she showed some emotion and not the empty expression she had seen the night before. She never wanted to see that again. It was somewhat of a breakthrough.
She had probably talked a little bit too much, which Emily knew she had a tendency of doing, and that had probably added to Danny's irritation, but she had been so nervous she couldn't help herself. She had never stood in the shower with a naked woman before, well a naked anyone before, washing them. And no one so extremely good looking, that's for sure.
“You know, I have to go and pick up my son”, Emily informed as she helped Danny put the clothes on again, watching the dark haired woman. She was avoiding her eyes. And she still hadn't said anything.
Helping Danny shower and attending to her wounds had taken longer than she had expected and she knew she had to pick Max up before her brother went to work.
She would have wanted to have something cleaner for Danny to wear and not the same clothes she had been wearing all night, but didn't have anything else that was fairly close to her size. She could borrow something from Tom when she got there, but that would only make him suspicious and Emily didn't want to go there. Not now. What could she say? That she had lost her mind?
So, she figured she would buy some clothes as well together with the groceries she had to get.
It wouldn't take that much longer. And more than that; she didn't know if Danny was going to be there when she got back anyway. She honestly didn't think so. She was probably just waiting for Emily to go away, so she could leave without any resistance. How Danny would be able to get anywhere by herself was beyond her, but she had seen stranger things happen.
Anyway, there was nothing she could do about it. Danny was a grown woman. And a stubborn one, too, by the looks of it.
And Emily had no say concerning what she decided to do. Whether she stayed. Or left.
So, Emily would go and do what she had to do. She would tell Danny that she wanted for her to stay, because for some reason she really did, and then she would go. She would go shopping for some clothes and groceries and then she would pick up her son. She would try to look normal in front of her brother so that he wouldn't worry or think that something was wrong. How she would manage that she didn't know. Then she would go back home. And take it from there.
***
Danny was back on the couch again. She felt a little bit better; at least she was clean. It had been a long time since. It had also been a long time since she had been taken care of like that. She thought about the fact that it hadn't felt more awkward to be washed and showered by a woman she had just met that it actually had. A beautiful woman for sure, but still a stranger.
The blonde had given her some aspirin for the headache, but it was still there anyway, pounding in her skull relentlessly. She had said that Danny probably had a slight concussion and that it would be better if she would rest for a couple of days. Not exhaust herself any more than she already had. Danny didn't want to admit it, but she knew that Emily was right. But there simply wasn't anything she could do about it. She couldn't stay.
Emily had left a few minutes ago. She had said that she was going to buy some food and stuff. Clothes. For her. She didn't have to do that. Danny regretted having let Emily take her in more than ever and she cursed herself for being so damn stupid. Now she had dragged another woman into her fucking mess.
Danny tried to detach herself from her feelings, the way she used to. The way she had for a long time. She tried to hold on to the anger and resentment that had been her companions for so long. Her only companions. But she found it more and more difficult every minute she spent with the blonde. Danny had tried not to look at her as she took care of her wounds and cleaned her up. She found it so difficult to look at her. For one, she felt guilty, which surprised her a lot. But more than that, the woman reminded her of someone. In a good way. She couldn't make sense of it. And she was so kind. So good. They were so different in that way. Well, in every way.
But Danny should think about herself first. Her mission. Not some woman she had just met. Some woman she had no obligations towards. She should let the blonde take care of her, take care of her wounded body, so that she then could continue where she left off.
Emily had told her that she wanted her to stay. She had looked like she meant it and Danny had no reason to doubt anything the woman said. She seemed so genuine.
The strange thing was that Danny found herself wanting to. That fact alone made her more determined than ever to leave.
That and the fact that she had said she was going to get her son. Danny was no company for a five year old boy.
***
Emily could feel her heart speed up slightly as she drove her car into her own driveway, not knowing what to expect when she got home. She was actually really nervous. Would Danny still be there? Probably not.
“Why should I care”, Emily said to herself.
The problem, though, was that she did.
“What, mummy?”
Emily turned towards her son who was sitting in the back seat. He was smiling and she reached out and ran her fingers through his blonde hair.
“Nothing, honey, mummy was just talking to herself”.
He just laughed and turned his attention back to some game he was playing on his tablet as she parked the car under the carport and Emily was glad that he was in such a good mood. Better than usual, actually. It was a good thing he hadn't been as difficult as he could be sometimes. She had enough to deal with as it was.
She had told Max that she had a friend staying over and that she wanted him to meet her to at least try to come up with an explanation as to who the woman in their house was. Well, if she was still there. He had accepted that without too many questions. At least for now. She had no idea how to explain the state she was in, though.
Her brother had also been something of a problem. Well, not a problem maybe, but it had been hard to pretend in front of him. She had tried to act normal so that he wouldn't get worried or think that something was wrong. She knew that he could see right through her and she hated to lie when he had asked her if everything was ok, but she had no choice. She had to have some time to figure out what to say. It would all be brought to the surface soon anyway, since she would never get her five year old son to lie for her and he would definitely tell Tom and Jen everything about it the next time he was there. She simply needed some more time.
At least he hadn't asked her any more questions, even though she knew that he knew that she had been lying; she had to give him that at least. Emily was grateful for that. Especially since her brother was a cop. Emily ran her hand through her hair, as always when she was nervous. Shit…
“Get your backpack, Max”, Emily told her son as he got himself out of the car and ran for the house. She had been constantly thinking about how she was going to handle the complicated situation she had put herself in all the way home, but hadn't come up with anything. Nothing.
She opened the trunk and took the bags of groceries and other stuff she had bought out of there. She managed to smile as Max did as he was told and quickly went back to the car to get it. He was anxious to get inside to meet the so called friend she had told him about on their ride home. Anxious didn't even begin to cover her own feelings, though, Emily thought as she put the bags she was holding down on the wooden floor of the patio and unlocked the door.
***
Danny woke up as she heard the door to the living room open, immediately followed by the sound of feet approaching her. Fast.
“Hi”, someone said from behind her. She felt what probably was a small finger pecking her in the back.
“Max, honey, leave Danny alone for a while. She is sleeping. Remember I told you she's a little bit sick at the moment”.
Danny recognized Emily's voice instantly, even though she was whispering. She liked the sound of it; it made her feel strangely warm inside.
“No, it's ok, Emily”, she said as she slowly tried to turn around on the couch, moaning from the pain even the slightest motions still caused. “I'm awake”.
Emily was happy to see that she was even blessed with what looked like the beginning of a faint smile on Danny's lips this time and automatically smiled back. But more than that, she was still there.
“And who are you?” Danny continued, shifting her attention towards the eager looking boy with the light blonde hair who was standing right in front of her by the couch. She was surprised to see that he didn't seem scared of her at all. Not that he should be, but the look of her own battered face in the mirror earlier had even scared the crap out of herself. She looked like shit.
“I'm Max, but my real name is Maximilian”, he said as he extended his small hand towards her. “Mummy says that's my name cause it's her favorite name in the whole world”.
Danny couldn't help smiling for real this time as she took the small hand in hers and shook it. It was easy to see who his mum was. And not only from the physical resemblance. He looked back at her with sparkling blue-green eyes; eyes that bore the same deep, intense color as his mother's did.
“Maximilian, huh? That's a really nice name”.
Danny looked up at Emily who was standing a few feet behind her son. She was smiling as she watched Danny intently, bags still in her arms.
“You're still here”, she said, her eyes not leaving Danny's even for a second. Emily could feel her whole body trembling slightly. She had been so worked up over what to expect as she got home and seeing that Danny hadn't left or that something hadn't happened to her while Emily was away made her feel relieved as hell. She had been so worried about her, knowing that if she left, she probably wouldn't last long in the condition she was in. Emily took a deep breath. It would take a while for the stress induced adrenaline to be metabolized out of her excited system.
“Are you disappointed?”
Emily smiled at the light teasing, liking the look in Danny's eyes. The way she looked at her. Deeply, as if searching for something. She tried to clear her throat, not able to look away.
“No”, she said, stating the obvious truth. “Just surprised. You seemed determined to leave”.
The connection was broken as Danny turned away, the expression in her eyes changing again.
“I was. I am. It just seems that I can't get my ass anywhere by myself at the moment”.
Danny was pissed off over the fact that she was so weak, so dependent. She had just barely managed to go to the bathroom by herself when Emily was gone. The dizziness returned every damn time she stood up. That would have been something; to have to have Emily help her with that as well. She had already seen Danny naked; that was bad enough. Not that Danny minded that really; she didn't care, it was just that it made her feel inadequate. A burden. She wasn't used to it and didn't like it. And more than that, she had things she needed to take care of.
“Yeah, well it's up to you what you want or don't want to do”.
Emily took a firmer hold of the bags she was holding as she turned around and headed for the kitchen area, surprised by the harshness of her own voice. Why was it that this woman got to her to such a degree she didn't even recognize herself or her own reactions? She ran her hands through her short hair after putting the bags on the kitchen counter. She leaned her body against the dark granite as she closed her eyes. She had to get her act together. Why did the dark haired mystery who was sitting in her living room make her feel as if her nerves were on the outside?
“Why the hell do I care?” Emily thought, angry at herself. The problem was though that, for some reason unknown to her, she did. She did care. She shook her head at herself. God, she was so tired. What was she going to do?
***
Danny closed her eyes as Emily walked away from her, disappearing behind the corner and into the kitchen area. She had looked disappointed. And pissed. Danny shook her head, feeling her own anger returning.
Damn that woman. What right did she think she had to be pissed anyway? Shit .
Danny felt the small finger poking her again, in the chest this time. She opened her eyes and looked at the boy who was still standing right in front of her. She swallowed hard, trying to suppress the side of her that was still trying to force its way into her head and highjack her mind like so many times before. It would probably had succeeded too, if it wasn't for the innocent looking kid watching her. Danny didn't want him to see that, not wanting to do that to a child, and fought as hell to keep her mind clear. She took a deep breath and willed her mind to stay clear, to suppress the demon which had claimed her head for so long. The demon which had claimed her mind, and soul, ever since…
No, she didn't want to let herself think about that now, never again. She couldn't.
She couldn't go back there. Ever.
“Does that hurt?”
Danny was finally drawn out of the dark recesses of her mind by the curious voice of the boy who kept standing by her side.
“What?” she managed to say, desperately trying to get her brain go focus. The boy stuck her finger out towards her again, this time pointing at her head.
“Does it hurt?” he repeated as he kept watching her, apparently waiting for an answer.
Danny cleared her throat and tried to sit up a little straighter, despite the constant thumping in her head. Apparently had had no intention of going away. She watched the expression of his face; he seemed curious but not at all afraid. Danny couldn't help feeling a little bit impressed. Apparently another thing he got from his mother, in addition to the physical resemblance.
“Yeah, it hurts a little bit”, Danny answered, figuring it was best to be honest with him. She unconsciously brought her hand up to touch the place in question, wincing as the ever so light touch of her fingers on the bandage caused the pain in her head to worsen by a tenfold.
“Fuck”, she hissed as she snatched her hand away, only to instantly regret the word as she saw the surprised look on the boy's face.
“You said a bad word”, he whispered as he leaned in closer to her face. “Mummy will be mad at you now and that's bad”.
God, he looked so serious and Danny had a really hard time suppressing the smile that threatened to escape her lips. She knew she should have watched her tongue in front of him, since he was only a kid, but she hadn't been thinking. She motioned for him to come closer and to Danny's surprise he sat down on the couch beside her, so she moved over a little bit to make more room for him to sit.
“I'm sorry”, she said for n:th time since the night before, trying to smile reassuringly towards him. “Your mother is right, you can't say that word and it was bad of me to do so”.
A wide smile lit up his face again as he patted Danny's hand before getting up from the couch.
“It's ok, Danny, I won't tell her if you don't say it again. It's our secret now”.
He left Danny just staring after him as he headed up the stairs to his room, not really knowing what to say. He certainly was something and she couldn't help laughing as she lay back down again.
***
Emily smiled slightly to herself as she unpacked the food she had bought and put the various things in their rightful places, leaving the things she needed for the spaghetti Bolognese she was making for lunch on the counter. She was still pissed, despite herself, but hearing Danny and Max talk brought a smile to her lips. She hadn't heard a single word of what they said, but hearing both her son and Danny laugh made her heart swell. Max hardly ever talked much, and certainly not to people he didn't know, and Danny didn't seem to be all that talkative either, to put things lightly. They were very much alike that way, she realized.
Emily felt her frustration rising again as she thought about the dark haired woman's behavior. Pissed, didn't even cover half of what she felt and she still couldn't come to terms with why the damn woman affected her so much. Apart from the obvious that is. The situation Emily had gotten herself into would affect anyone, sure, but there was so much more to it than that. There was so much more to this fucking mess that was the present situation than was clear to her at this point, but she had decided that she would figure it out. Nothing ever happens without a reason. Emily had never believed that things simply happens randomly, without a meaning and she sure as hell wasn't about to start now.
With those thoughts in mind she went back to the living room to check on Danny.
Danny was lying back with her eyes closed when Emily approached her and since Emily didn't know if she was sleeping or simply ignoring her presence, she tried to be as careful as she could as she checked the bandages on her head to see if the wound had started bleeding again. She really didn't want to disturb her, but she had to check to see if she needed to change them.
Everything seemed ok as far as Emily could see and when she diverted her eyes from the bandages back to Danny's face, she was surprised to see the other woman watching her.
For a ghost of a moment Emily could see the softness in her eyes before they quickly changed again, back to the emotionless nothing she had seen before and already hated.
“You're not sleeping”, Emily managed to say, stating the obvious.
“No”.
Emily tried to not let her emotions show at the usual lack of eloquence. Not that she had expected more of an answer than she got, if any at all, but still.
“Where's Max?” she asked as she turned away from the stare she was getting, wanting to change the subject.
“Upstairs”.
Another eloquent answer, even though it contained the necessary information. Emily didn't know if she wanted to scream or laugh. Screw this.
“ What the hell is wrong with you?” she said, surprised by her own bravery and how she could talk to someone she didn't even know like that. Once again the damn woman got to her. Rubbed her the wrong way.
She could see the look on Danny's face changing, from indifference to surprise. The reaction was so natural, so instinctive, even the stoic Danny didn't manage to suppress it.
“Excuse me?”
Danny sat up again, once more hissing as the pain in her head almost made her pass out.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Emily repeated, feeling her resolve increasing in tandem with her anger. She felt her heart beating like crazy in her chest, supplying every single cell in her body with adrenaline.
“What. Is. Wrong. With. You? Emily said again, punctuating each word. She was almost screaming now, the feeling of inadequacy and lack of sleep clouding her judgement.
“Last night you were not like this, at least not at first. You let me take care of you. And now? Now you can hardly even look at me. What the fuck did I do wrong?”
Emily could feel tears start running down her cheeks. As always when she got angry it only lasted for a short while and then the tears came instead. She blinked, tried to wipe them away with her hand, but it was useless. She didn't stand a chance as the dam burst once again and she just sat down on the wooden floor, burying her face in her hands, sobbing helplessly.
The words Danny was about to utter simply disappeared from her mind along with the fury that had quickly risen to the surface again as she saw Emily break down in front of her.
What was wrong with her? There was only one simple answer to that question. I'm a monster .
But none of this was Emily's fault, even Danny knew that. She had done nothing but try to help her. And she knew that she hurt her by acting the way she did. Danny wasn't trying to hurt her on purpose, but in a way that was exactly what she did. She had sensed something between them from the moment she laid her eyes on the blonde and had a feeling the other woman felt it too, whatever it was. It confused her as hell, but it scared her even more. She wanted to protect herself from that and even more, she wanted to protect Emily. She wanted to protect Emily from herself. From the monster that she was.
And she had done so by shutting her out. Or in other words, by acting like an ass, hoping to make Emily resent her. Reject her.
And now Danny sat there on the couch, fighting desperately to not give in to the strange feelings that had crept up on her and now grew stronger and stronger as she watched Emily sitting there on the floor, crying. She couldn't suppress them, for the life of her. And she tried, really tried. Then she found herself uttering the words that had become her mantra since she met the woman sitting on the floor in front of her.
“I'm sorry…”
She leaned forward and lightly touched Emily's upper arm. She was afraid that the blonde would scream at her again, but instead a loud sob escaped her throat as Danny's fingers delicately touched her skin.
Emily wanted to scream, she really wanted to, but nothing came out. She only started sobbing even more at the words and gentle touch from the other woman. She turned her head up to look Danny in the eyes, feeling more afraid than ever. She didn't know what scared her the most; the angry look Danny so often had bestowed upon her or the complete look of concern and emotion she was faced with now. She just found herself looking into those blue eyes for countless seconds, neither one of them saying a word. Emily took the hand Danny still had resting upon her arm in her own, squeezing it lightly. She wanted to say something, anything, but found it impossible to formulate a single thought into words.
“Mummy?”
Emily was drawn from her thoughts by the concerned voice of her son. He was standing at the bottom of the stairs, watching them intently. She hadn't heard him come down.
“Mummy, why are you crying?”
Emily closed her eyes, willing the tears to stop falling as she saw him approach them. She should have known better than to be like this in his presence, but the feelings had just come over her. Everything had finally started making sense in her life again. In their life. It had finally felt as if things were moving in the right direction, for once. It had been a long time since. And now this.
Emily shook her head again and took a deep breath to try to focus. She had to be strong. For Max's sake. And for her own. Again. It was the story of her life, apparently. To try to be strong. To endure. To fight. She didn't mind it when Max was concerned, absolutely not, but she was just so tired. So god damn tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything. Tired of feeling so fucking alone.
“Come here”, she said to her son, embracing him tightly. She didn't want him to worry any more than necessary, either. He had been through far too much for a boy his age as it was.
“It's ok, honey, I'm just a little bit worried about Danny, right now, that's all. But everything's fine, Max, I promise”.
She did what she always tried to do, that's to be as honest with her son as possible. He was a smart boy and he would know if she tried to tell him things that weren't true. She didn't want to do anything to change the way things were between the two of them now, either. The trust they had built. She had fought for things to be as good as they were at the moment. Hard.
Of course, she had to bend the truth a little, though. He was only five after all.
Emily felt Max hugging her back, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Ok, mummy”, he said.
She smiled to herself as she ran her hand through his blonde hair. Maybe she hadn't done such a bad job after all.
Danny watched the interaction between Emily and her son, silently, not wanting to disturb them in any way. The sight of them together caused her heart to ache in a way that was all too familiar. She had thought that those feelings were since long forgotten, forever erased from her heart. But again, she was wrong. God, I miss you so much…
Sh e felt tears of her own building up, burning behind her eyelids and she closed her eyes hard to make them stay put. She couldn't break down now, because if she did she would never come back from it. Danny swallowed down the lump in her throat and willed herself to keep her face straight as she opened her eyes and looked at the boy who was now standing in front of her again, looking as if he was about to ask something. She saw that Emily had gotten up from the floor and was trying as hard to compose herself as she folded a navy blue sweater Max had worn as she herself was. Probably to distract herself.
“Danny is a boys' name”.
That was not what Danny had expected him to say. Maybe some more questions about her so called looks, but not that. She didn't mind, though. Actually she found it amusing.
“Max!” Emily corrected. Of course he was curious but that was not an appropriate thing to say.
“No, Emily, it's ok. Really”, she added as she saw the blonde starting to object. They just looked at each other for a while, the unspoken words saying more than either of them wanted to admit. Danny smiled slightly as she finally turned away. God, she has beautiful eyes…
“It's ok, Max, it's a fair enough question”, Danny said, clearing her throat. “It is a boys' name, you're right about that”.
He smiled widely as he sat down on the couch beside her and she was again taken aback by how at ease he seemed to be in her presence. Emily was as amazed as she was too, but she didn't know that.
“So, why is your name Danny? You're not a boy”.
Danny outright laughed at this point.
“No, I'm certainly not a boy”.
She saw that Emily was watching her, still smiling slightly. Her look made her skin tingle. It made her uneasy, the way she felt like the other woman could see right through her, so she turned her attention back to Max.
“Well”, Danny started, clearing her throat, “my real name is actually Daniela and just like the way Max is short for Maximilian, Danny is short for Daniela. You see, when we were younger, my little brother couldn't say Daniela so he always called me Danny instead and it has stuck with me since then”.
Emily watched her son sitting absolutely still, listening to the captivating voice of the dark haired woman. He seemed completely mesmerized. By her or by what she said, she didn't know.
“What is your brother's name, then, Danny?”
Emily could see the look on Danny's face changing for a second, from the almost soft expression she'd had as she talked about her brother, to a brief look of pain and then back again. The pain had only been displayed on the other woman's face for a short moment, but Emily had seen it.
“Max, maybe we should leave Danny alone to rest for a while, huh?” she tried, afraid that she would close up again if he asked too many questions. “You can go up to your room and play, while mummy makes us all some lunch, ok?”
“No, I want to be with Danny”, Max protested, clearly showing his disappointment with her suggestion.
“No, it's ok, Emily, he can be here with me if he wants to. I'm fine, really”.
“Please, mummy, please?”
He was practically jumping up and down by then. Emily didn't want to fight with him and couldn't resist when he was looking at her like that. When they were both looking at her.
“Well, if Danny says it's fine you can stay, but only for a little while because after that Danny needs to rest, ok?”
She emphasized those last few words just as much for Danny as for her son, looking at her intently. The stubborn woman needed her rest if she was going to get well and Emily was going to make sure that would be the case. She looked at her to see if her words had hit home, seeing the tall, dark haired troublemaker smirking at her. Actually smirking…
“Yes, ma'am”, Danny teased, making Emily blush. She could feel herself getting warm, not knowing what to do with herself and she was actually grateful when Danny finally turned away to talk with Max. She was probably, well most definitely, reading way too much into things due to her own strange feelings, but otherwise she would have thought that Danny was flirting with her. She must have gotten hit in the head as well or something, because that was just crazy. Impossible. She must be imagining things, because those things don't happen. And it wasn't the fact that Danny was a woman that was the thing here. Danny was a stranger. They were strangers to each other. She didn't know a damn thing about this woman and still; here she was, feeling like a stupid teenager with a bad crush as soon as she was given a look or a somewhat nice word. Shit…
E mily decided that now would be a good time to excuse herself so that's what she did. All of them needed to eat something, so she left Danny and Max to themselves and went to the kitchen to make some food. She smiled to herself as she started preparing the things she needed; the minced meat, tomato sauce, onions, garlic... Spaghetti Bolognese; it may not have been the most culinary of dishes, but it was one of the few things she could cook which usually turned out rather good.
***
Later that afternoon, after lunch and the accompanying chores like cleaning everything up was done, Emily sat down in the couch opposite Danny, giving her a cup of coffee. Danny had managed to eat the food she had been served and looked a little bit better at least. She was now sitting up instead of just lying down, which was good since she needed to try to regain her strength. Max had been sent to his room, somewhat unwillingly, to play for a while, since there were a few things Emily wanted to discuss with the other woman in private, even though she was fairly certain that what she wanted to say wouldn't be welcome.
Danny watched the blonde as she sat down, accepting the cup she was offered. She was feeling a bit tired, but oddly enough didn't mind the company. The pain in her head had gone from a pounding hell to more of a dull, constant ache. It still hurt like a bitch, but at least the pounding had gone away. For now, anyway. Sometimes you have to be grateful for the small mercies in life…
She felt her heartrate speed up as she felt the other woman's eyes on her and looked at the blonde sitting at the other end of the couch, their feet only inches away from each other's.
Again, it surprised her how comfortable she felt in the blonde's company and the familiarity of it was still there. She felt drawn, forced, out of her shell. Drawn to her. Emily was beautiful, sure. Very beautiful. But that wasn't it. Danny had seen beautiful women in her life before. There was so much more to it than that.
Danny knew she had to be careful. She could feel her resolve, her determination, her safety net, slipping through her fingers all over again, more and more each and every time she looked at the blonde. Every time she heard her voice. She tried to hold on as hard and as much as she could, but even though she was used to being in control over things, this time holding on was as hard as trying to hold on to running water. It made her feel scared. Exposed. The control she'd had over her own emotions was what had kept her head just barely above the water during all this time. And now she felt herself sinking beneath the surface, into the unknown. Drowning.
She knew that there was only one way to get the control back. That was to leave.
“What is his name?”
Danny saw Emily smiling uncertainly slightly at her. She realized she must look as dumb as she felt. What was whose name?
“Your brother. What was his name?” Emily took a sip of her coffee, still smiling.
Danny took a deep, uneven breath. Once again unwanted emotions threatened to overcome her. She closed her eyes. She had thought the question was forgotten but that was clearly not the case. Luckily, Max hadn't asked again, probably having forgotten about it as he had shown Danny some game on his tablet as Emily made lunch, but Danny was apparently not as lucky when his mother was concerned. She didn't want to talk about her brother. She didn't want to talk about anything concerning her past. Or anyone.
“David”, she heard herself say. “His name is…was…David”.
She kept her eyes closed, not wanting to look into Emily's. After a few seconds she felt the light touch of a delicate hand on her foot.
“What happened?”
The touch on her foot became firmer, reassuring, encouraging, but Danny still couldn't make herself look at the other woman.
“I killed him”.
She felt the hand on her foot stop its movements for a short moment, before slowly taking up the slow, circular caresses again.
Emily didn't say a word; she just watched the dark haired woman sitting a few feet away from her. So close, but still so far away. Still refusing to open her eyes.
She could feel her heart beat heavily in her chest, trying to take in the words Danny had said.
I killed him. Three words. Three words saying so much, but at the same time saying absolutely nothing. Emily knew that those three words should scare her more than they did and once again, she briefly wondered if she had lost her mind. She should be scared, but when she looked at Danny, at the look on her face, fear was not what she felt.
Emily had never seen someone look so broken. So much in pain. Not physical, but emotional. It almost broke her heart.
Danny forced her eyes to stay closed, to try to suppress the burning sensation in them. Why had she said that? It was true, but why had she said it? She should keep her mouth shut and not tell Emily things about her past. But at the same time she wanted to for some inexplicable reason, feeling she could talk to her. It wouldn't matter, Danny thought. After tomorrow, they would never see each other again anyway.
To be continued in chapter four...
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