Gabrielle's Journal Series: Solan
by Murphy
Disclaimer:
Do
not own them! Nope, no way! This is number fourteen of the Journal Series. Thank
you to my beta team: Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Fluff in full force!
Deb! Love Ya! Ex-Guards! You are way cool!! Poem one by Susan Polis Schutz.
Poem two by Sam Ruskin.
I
want you to have a life of happiness
In order for you to have this
you must have many interests
and pursue them
You must have many goals
and work towards them
You must like what you are doing
You must consider yourself a success
by being proud of doing your best
You must have fun every day
You must listen to your own voice
and not be influenced by others
You must have peace
and not always expect perfection
You must have respect
for yourself and others
My son, as I watch you grow up
I can see you are on the right path
and I am so proud of you
I will always care about you
and your happiness
I love you
Journal
Entry:
Hello.
I have not written in you for a week now. Things have been very crazy lately. I
also found out that my wife has a son. His name is Solan, a handsome boy of ten.
He will be tall and he has his mom's eyes, the eyes I love so much. This is all
just now catching up with me and I needed to write. I have learned things about
her before that have surprised me, but this knocked me out.
At
first, I was shocked to find out that my wife had a child. I was a stepmother?
We were so busy dealing with Dagnine that we didn’t have a chance to talk.
When we did it was a fight. I thought she should tell Solan the truth, that she
was his mother. A child needs its mother, but I was a judgmental fool. She told
me to mind my own business and stay out of it. Funny, I thought she was my
business. I did what she asked and stayed out.
What
I did instead was get to know him. He was very misguided when it came to Xena.
Kaleipus told him that his mother died and Xena the Destroyer of Nations killed
his father, Borias. Watching how my wife ached just to hold him, well it was
difficult just to stand by and do nothing. Kaleipus was the Centaur that raised
Xena's son. She knew her enemies would mark Solan, so she thought this would be
best.
When
we first met the boy, he tried to kill Xena, his face full of hate, she on the
other hand looked very pale and in shock. I finally asked who he was and she
blurted out, he's my son.
Hello??
Gee, it would of been nice to know this.
While
Xena was busy planning a defense with Kaleipus, I was getting to know Solan. He
was bright, stubborn, and arrogant for a kid that age, so much like his mother.
He also seemed to have a good soul, had a bit of the dreamer in him. He spoke of
his father and how he wanted to be just like him. He also spoke of a mother that
he was told about. I was not happy he was told she died. I made a mental note to
have a talk with Kaleipus when the danger was over.
He
also spoke of his father’s sword, which he carried with him all the time. He
was going to be a warrior, just like him. I did try to talk him out of that. He
was very interested in my staff. I told him to hold a sword made him a target,
while a staff is for defending only. True you can give a person a world of hurt;
still, it is less fatal than a sword. He was listening. I started to wonder if
Xena was like him before her village was attacked and she had to change. He is
young and innocent, and by looking at him, killing would be the last choice for
him. I hope this never changes
Like
always, I wind up a target for a person to pick on. They got Solan and Xena had
to come to the rescue once more. When we found Xena, Solan's arm was in a
splint. The look on her face was priceless. She had her arm around him and you
could see the mother in her. He may have been sent away but they still had that
bond. I bet he feels it. Then she goes back into her warrior mode trying to find
a way to save us all from Dagnine. Still, in her eyes you could see that
longing.
I
see your pain my hard-nosed friend.
You
cannot hide from me,
The
child you nurtured in you womb
But
could not hold nor see.
The
empty arms that ache and burn
With
a fire that will not die.
I
feel it too. Come here, my love.
It's
no disgrace to cry.
You
think yourself a demon
Who
gave away her kin;
Someone
beyond forgiveness,
A
monster among men.
At
night when you are sleeping
And
you think no one can hear,
Your
empty arms cry out in pain
For
the child you still hold dear.
The
world may never understand
The
heart you try to hide.
But
I am here, My soulmate,
Standing
by your side.
My
warrior’s arms are empty.
They
burn and ache and plead
For
the child you think you’ll never hold
Yet
still, will always need.
I
had an overwhelming feeling to apologize to her. She is my best friend and wife.
I should have seen her pain and comforted her, not judged. I don’t know what I
would have done in her position, maybe the same thing she did. I would have
thought of only my child’s safety. I just want to hold her and ease her pain.
The battle had to come first and I was in charge of keeping Solan safe.
Xena
kicked butt as usual, saved me, and things went back to normal for the Centaurs.
We celebrated the victory and I played kick-ball with Solan by the lake, under
the very watchful eyes of his mother. I knew we were not going to stay; she
needed to get far away from here. I could feel her pain and it just tortured my
soul. Then I heard, "Gabrielle,"
and knew it was time to go.
It
was now time to say good-bye. I walked over to where she was standing by Argo
talking with Kaleipus. You can see she was ready to jump out of her skin. She
saw me shake Kalepius's hand and she was ready to just take off. I stopped her,
begged her to go talk to Solan, as a friend. I told her she would never forgive
herself if she didn't. She handed me the reigns and said, "too late," then walked towards the lake.
She
was back faster than I thought and the look on her face, it hurt to see it. Her
jaw was clenched tight and with such a look of heartache. I said my good-byes,
she pulled me up on Argo, and we were gone. I could feel how tense she was, all
I could do was put my head of her back and hold her close.
We
rode for at least three candlemarks straight, my legs were hurting, and Argo was
panting. She was acting like Hades was hot on our tail. I told Argo to stop and
pulled on the reigns that were in her hand, Argo stopped. That earned us both a
growl, which caused me to reply with a bigger one. I told her it was not going
to help matters if we all ended up dead, look at Argo.
Argo was panting too hard to even make a protest in my defense.
We
sat there for what felt like forever. I got off and she was frozen on Argo with
her head down. A few times, we have traveled past dark and set up camp very
late. It is a bitch to do, but as she says, we
have to be ready for anything. I grabbed her hand and urged her down. The
silence as we made up a quick camp was too much for me.
After
eating a cold meal of bread and cheese, she went and started to sharpen her
sword. That scraping sound of stone to blade sounded more harsh than usual. She
was ready to blow at any moment. I tried to focus on a scroll, and then I heard
her miss with the stone. The sword fell and the swearing started. All this time
with her, I never heard her once ever miss with that.
When
I turned to look, she was bleeding from her right hand. What took my breath away
was the trembling chin and her eyes filling with tears, looking at me in total
despair. That frightened me. I know it was not the pain from the wound. I ran to
her and held her tight as she shook with painful sobs. It took a long time for
her to calm down so I could treat her hand. Even when I was tending her wound,
she stayed very close to me for comfort. She just needed me to feel safe. That
was a switch.
I
stripped her down to her shift, got her to the bedroll, and held her as she
spoke and cried. It must have been a funny site to the Gods above, to see this
tiny woman hold this tall warrior, but today she felt so small. She cried for
the child she had to give up. She told me of his birth, his father, and the
Centaurs. She knew when she gave up Solan that the last ounce of her heart was
gone. She said that he made her so proud when he threw the sword in the lake,
saying he didn’t want to be a warrior. I cried for my wife's pain.
Sleep
did not come easy for her tonight; I slipped away so I could work out my
feelings. She, at a young age went through too much pain for one person. It
amazes me, how she can still be here, standing tall. It makes me love her even
more, if that is even possible. I know deep in my heart once Xena and I settle
down and have our own children, we will call for Solan, their older brother, my
son.
If
people could see Xena of Amphipolis and not the Warrior, they would see her.
They would see what is in her heart. They would see the woman she really is. She
is very human and hurts like we all do. For now, I ask that Solon be safe and
that my wife's pain would ease given time. Well, I better get back to her before
she wakes up.
Until
Tomorrow,
Gabrielle